It feels like once again, I’m trapped in my own head.Out of seemingly nowhere today, my depression kicked in really hard. And I started feeling lower and lower, even when I’m doing something I enjoy; which is playing Elder Scrolls Online with my friends. I run a guild, and for a couple days, I’ve been running events with them in the PvP zone.
It doesn’t bother me whatsoever if I die in there. But when my depression kicks in like it has these past few days… I’ve been feeling so low and just not wanting to exist anymore. This feeling/thought comes even when I’m not playing the game; I’m just pointing it out this time because it’s bothering me and upsetting me.
For the past few days, I’ve been really struggling with food. Not wanting to eat, not wanting to even see food some days. It all kicks off with the thought “You don’t deserve food” And then that progresses into “You don’t deserve help. You’re a burden. You’re not worth it”
Why, when I’m happy in something I enjoy, must my mind kick up these thoughts and make me feel like absolute hell?
I feel lost and unhappy now though. I haven’t been taking my meds daily either. Why should I.
So, you’re not taking your meds, and you don’t feel like eating. This is because you’re depressed. The question is, are you depressed because you’re not taking your meds or eating very well? Some call that a cycle of negative feedback.
Talk to whoever it is that is prescribing your medication, and let this person know about the sudden episodes of depression. Feelings of unworthiness often accompany depression. Yet those feelings do not reflect reality. In reality, you deserve good food, help when you need it, and freedom from feeling burdened, and from the belief that you are a burden.
Maybe you need a break from your online activities. I think it’s worth a try.
Don’t put off talking to someone about the depression.
Thanks for being here!
hi nicole,
first off, i want to say how much i wish i could take some of your pain away. it sounds like you’re running on empty, losing the motivation for most aspects in your life. i can’t even imagine how hard it must be to lose the joy in something you love like elder scrolls online.
i know i’m just some random girl in texas but i want to be the one that says that you DO deserve food/meds. you ARE worth it. you DO deserve help. and you ARE worth it. if you leave this post knowing anything, i want it to be that. i want you to know that you now have me rooting for you to take things at your own pace to find any amount of happiness. i believe that you can escape this cycle by being gentle on yourself and reminding yourself that you make a difference in this world. whether it’s spending time with the friends in your guild or even sharing your experiences on the heartsupport wall so someone else might not feel so alone, you make a positive impact on people, most of the time never knowing it at all.
i hope that you can reach a point where you are able to seek out the help you need (calling a help line, asking others for help with everyday tasks, etc.). until then, please know that you now have someone on the other side of your screen hoping for the best for you in this difficult time in your life. you got this, my friend <3
love,
twix
It doesn’t bother me whatsoever if I die in there. But when my depression kicks in like it has these past few days… I’ve been feeling so low and just not wanting to exist anymore. This feeling/thought comes even when I’m not playing the game; I’m just pointing it out this time because it’s bothering me and upsetting me.
You know what? It’s really strong to be aware of that. You acknowledge a depression wave coming into your life, and you’re not afraid to say that it bothers you! This shows that you are aware of how your depression works, how you experience it even when it doesn’t seem to make sense at first. It also shows that even if its voice is really loud, you are not willing to let it have the last word. That’s very, very powerful. Just by sharing all of this, you are standing up against this freaking depression.
For the past few days, I’ve been really struggling with food. Not wanting to eat, not wanting to even see food some days. It all kicks off with the thought “You don’t deserve food” And then that progresses into “You don’t deserve help. You’re a burden. You’re not worth it”
Yea, it’s a very vicious cycle. Depression itself can really impact the way we eat - too much, not enough, it depends on everyone and the seasons we go through. Some days I don’t eat because I forget or because I really don’t want to eat. It’s like feeling numb and not seeing the point of fulfilling our basic needs. That’s just how much depression sucks. And it’s 100% a way for it to to maintain itself. The less you fill your most fundamental needs, the worse you feel, then the more depressed you are, and so on. It’s hard to break this cycle. It takes a lot of very small steps, and overall just taking it one day at a time. But it is possible to break it, at your own pace. Be gentle with your body, friend. Keep standing up against the thought that you don’t deserve food or good things in your life. This is your depression talking, and it doesn’t want the best for you.
Sometimes it personally helps me to see my depression as an uninvited friend who would come to my home (my mind) and start criticizing everything: the decoration, the furniture, the location… If that happened irl with someone, that would be pretty invasive and annoying, right? It’s the same with depression. It wants to take you down. And when you start to see it as it is, you allow yourself to detach yourself from it. It’s part of you, but it’s not who you are, and it certainly doesn’t define your worth. Never.
Why, when I’m happy in something I enjoy, must my mind kick up these thoughts and make me feel like absolute hell?
Using my example above, it’s still and always this annoying relative who likes to mess everything up, ESPECIALLY things that feel good, things that feel right, things that should bring a smile to our face. Sometimes, we’re also so used to feeling down that it becomes our new normal. So when we do something that feels good, we automatically feel guilty, like something was wrong, without really knowing why. It’s okay to feel that way, even if it’s disturbing. Maybe for a long time your comfort zone has been pain and sorrow. But you’re learning to change that too, and that goes along with feeling some discomfort at first. As weird as it sounds, when we’re depressed, it makes sense to feel like happiness is wrong, or even harmful. It doesn’t mean it will always be like this. It just takes time to outgrow the things we’ve learned and internalized for so long.
I haven’t been taking my meds daily either. Why should I.
Because it’s supposed to help you, dear Nicole. I understand the feeling that it’s pointless though. It’s only a couple of months since I’ve started to take antidepressants, and days when I’m at my lowest I’m tempted to give up on everything, including meds. Doing that would be damaging for my body though, so somehow it helps to keep taking them anyway. I’ve also been under medications (different kind) since I was 3 years old, and some days I’m really fed up with this. I wish I didn’t have to take it, I wish I was able to function without it. The frustration is real and understandable.
Somehow, we’re also lucky to have access to those meds. We have the possibility to have this crutch in our life. Depression may be invisible, but it’s as real as any other physical illness or pain. If you break your leg tomorrow, you’d need a cast and probably some meds for the time that your body needs to heal. It’s the same with depression. It doesn’t make you weak, unworthy or less than anyone else. It’s just also something that happens in our body, with our biology, and meds help to recreate the balance that we need in order to take care of ourselves and build more strength. That’s why it’s important to take your meds.
Although if you are willing to stop them or change them, if you feel like it doesn’t help in any way, then it’s important to talk to your doctor about it. It’s their role to help you and guide you on this matter.
Keep reaching out, friend. Keep taking care of yourself - physically, mentally, spiritually. Keep seeking support and help in places where you are safe and heard. You got this. You’ll ride this depressing wave and embrace the light again. 
This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.