Brutal spot to be torn between two places you don’t want to be. Numb and overwhelmed. Empty and full of pain. Wanting to be dead, being scared to be alive. It feels there’s no safe place for your soul to land. Like both options are terrible, and like you don’t know any other way. You’re trying to go to neither place, but what ends up happening between them is experiencing both of them. Indecision feels like its own kind of torture.
It makes total sense that you want something different because it feels like the only options you have are total shit. No one would want either of those, ha. You’re hoping for relief from the pain. For an emptiness that doesn’t feel numb or deadening, but peaceful. For silence in your brain that doesn’t mean or feel like death. You want clarity, peace, centeredness. You want to feel in control of your mind, in control of your emotions. And lately it feels like you’re either 0 or 100mph. Either dead cold or burning up inside. Or this weird blend between the two. You want to have some semblance of balance, of the ability to speed up without burning out, to slow down with out keeling over.
But it feels like it’s been so long that you’ve been flopping between the two or living in this brutal place of both that you fear that it’s not even possible to have something different. You’ve forgotten if/what life was like before this terrible state. You long for freedom, but you don’t even remember if there is such a thing. You hear others talk about it, but it almost feels like they’re taunting you. Like they’re reminding you why they’re so much different and why you’ll always be fucked.
And so you’re in this place, with nothing but the ability to scream your pain through these words, and you hope that in being heard something might change. Anything besides this would be better.