Difficulties With Sexuality and Traumatic Memories

OOOOOOHHHHHHHHKAAAYYYYY so hello again. This post could very well be another long rant that makes close to no sense. So let’s start with the sexuality thing. I am bisexual. I have been semi-out for about a year and a half now. I am being raised in a very strict Mormon household with incredible parents. I love my parents so much and I know that they just want the best for me. But it’s so difficult being out to them and having them expect that I still exclusively date men, that I stay faithful with the church my entire life, and that I remain a perfect Mormon daughter. It has taken forever for them to finally accept the fact that I’m bisexual. I came out to them the summer before freshman year. It wasn’t the sweet, heartwarming coming out experience that every LGBT kid aims for. To be fair I was having a panic attack, bleeding, and about to be rushed into the emergency room in the middle of the night. So that was mostly my fault. And believe me when I say that I have incredibly sweet, loving parents. I try not to take that for granted because I know plenty of people who can’t say that. I just don’t feel supported. I know that everything is purely out of love. In my religion, we believe in three degrees of glory after we die. The celestial kingdom (essentially Heaven), the terrestrial kingdom (kind of in between), and the Telestial kingdom (Hell but not really the firey pits of damnation that everyone pictures.) And families will stay together forever after they die. Unless one of the family members earns a different degree of glory. That’s why my parents are so worried. They want to spend eternity with me but they are afraid they won’t be able to. And while I believe that God doesn’t care what sexuality or gender identity his children are, they believe that everything is centered around the creation of children. I’m just scared that what they believe is true and I won’t be able to spend eternity with them after I die. I am so freaking scared because I love them so much and it hurts to think about being without them or my other five younger siblings. Also, I recently transferred schools for the 10th time. I live in rural Iowa and let’s just say its not the most accepting environment. Being openly Bisexual, kids love to spread rumors about me. (Some of them are kind of hilarious actually) It also just sucks feeling so separated from all of my classmates. Like there is this invisible wall. Like they can be friends with me but they can’t get to truly know me. To be honest I’m just getting sick of it. I don’t know if it’s my sexuality, the way I dress (alternative/goth/emo, I know its cringy but I happen to like the way I dress.), or something else. I tried to count the number of slurs I heard at school one day and within the first ten minutes, it was twenty-something. I lost count. Which really doesn’t sound like that big of a deal but it really affects me. It’s hurtful. My own brother happened to use a certain slur for gay the other day that begins with the letter F and I almost started crying. And I never cry. It just sucks already hating myself and then coming to school every single day feeling hated. Which is why I started a GSA with another girl at my school. She is just so comfortable with her sexuality. But I’m so insecure about mine. However, the GSA is super important and I really don’t want other kids at my school feeling the way I feel. I’m just tired of hating myself for something I can’t control. It’s also weird because when you are Bi you don’t feel comfortable around straight people because a lot of them think you are going to Hell and you also don’t feel comfortable around gay people because you aren’t “Queer enough” for the community. Also, I’m afraid of coming out to church people because I don’t think they would love me anymore and its the same with extended family. Anyways, enough of that.

Now its time for me to talk about trauma and other fun stuff like that. This time of year I always feel as though I am hanging on by a thread. This week three years ago I attempted suicide roughly five times in a week. (I say roughly because I block a bunch of it out.) One of those times I accidentally filmed a suicide attempt. And being thirteen, unstable, and filled with brilliant ideas (sarcasm) I decided to watch it. Try to imagine watching yourself die. It’s pretty scary. Also, a bunch of other stuff happened that I don’t talk about because it hurts too much. But I developed an eating disorder (I’m pretty much cured of that), even more, severe self harm habits (I have been self-harming since nine years old), and severe trust issues. The fact that I have such severe trust issues makes it super hard to open up to my therapist which is why she STILL doesn’t know I was molested over the summer at church camp. It just makes it worse that it was a girl that took advantage of me because it will just make people think that what she did to me is the reason why I am bisexual when I’ve identified that way for much longer. Its also just terrifying. I still feel guilty. I should have freaking screamed. Also I’ve been having flashbacks from emotional abuse from a teacher in 2nd grade, bullying throughout elementary, and more suicide attempts from 8th and 9th grade. I’m a mess. I can’t sleep, I can’t talk to anyone, and I feel terrible. I just hate all of this. My self harm habits are also retruning again after I have been working so hard to get better from that.

Overall, I am kind of a mess. But I’m pulling through. I don’t have anywhere to turn, I lowkey want death. I kind of hate myself, I just feel so alone, and I hate dealing with all these memories. Oh well, if you read this far I don’t know whether to give you an award or be concerned because this was LONG. Anyways, thank you guys for being awesome. I love all of you. Stay strong.



Hi. Thank you for sharing. It means a lot to this community. I am sorry for the trauma, the bullying, and other things you went through. The ones who said those slurs are probably not accepting of who you are. When someone is different, he or she becomes the enemy of the world. It’s awesome that you dress alternative/goth/emo. You have the right to express yourself. To me, it’s like creating your own cartoon character, and you are bringing it to life. Be proud of being genuine. I am a Christian. I believe in God too. The God we believe in is a lovable Father who sent his Son, Jesus Christ to die for our sins, giving us the opportunity to have an intimate relationship with Him. God does not see your sin. He sees Jesus in you. You are forgiven. You are loved. He understands what you are going through. The only thing you can do is trust Him. The Holy Spirit will transform you. You don’t have to be ashame anymore. Your Lord is with you, He is here for you, and He loves you. If you want to share more, this forum is open. I hope you are having a safe weekend, and thank you for reading this. Shabbat Shalom.

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Thank you for responding it means a lot. I really appreciate it.


The Christian Church and Homosexuality/Lesbianism/Bi-Sexualism issue is a very large one.

The Bible appears to condemn male-male acts in at least three or four passages and also - but only once - female-female acts (or possibly female-dildo acts).

The question mostly comes down to this…

Is being Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual a Sin?

If it is, then that is very unfair on those born a certain way, or who have no attraction to the opposite sex.

Are Homosexual Sexual/Romantic Relationships always Sinful?

This is highly debateable.

I believe most ‘Christians’ would say you cannot be a ‘practicing’ Christian and be actively Gay, Lesbian or Bi-Sexual, so “Coming Out” would be incredibly risky, both in terms of Disfellowship/Cutting-Off/Disassociation, and also in terms of your own mental, emotional and Spiritual health and well-being. Putting it more bluntly, their reactions - or most of their reactions - could push you to losing your Faith or even also attempting or committing Suicide.

I therefore advise you seek counselling and therapy and appropriate Support Groups, Social Club and Forums, where others can relate and share their ideas and give advice on how to go forwards in your life.

BTW I am “straight” myself , but I hate that term is it strongly implies being Gay is being “bent” (as in wrong and twisted and abnormal).


thank you for replying. I am already out to my parents but no one else. I have already attempted suicide seven times. Thank you for the advice!

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Just as an extra comment of clarification…

At least two Bible verses are almost certainly condemning rape, not homosexuality or lesbianism per se. Unfortunately, the translation committees often translate this to refer to homosexuals, when I am sure it doesn’t.

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Thank you. I appreciate it.

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Ps Really sorry to hear of your attempted suicides. I don’t think you really want to go. Keep mixing with good people and getting support on here and on the stream and other friendly forums. Seek counselling/therapy too from the relevant organisations and charities…

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Thank you! I actually am going through a therapy program at the moment called EMDR. Basically it trauma recovery therapy. I appreciate the advice. What I really need to work on right now is opening up to my therapist, fixing my trust issues, and accepting myself.

God and Jesus love you and we love you

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