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Belongs to: Therapist Cry's While Listening to Wings of Maria Pt 1 and 2 by Tool
“Disqualify herself”. Youre right and it makes me SO MAD. I live with my father who is older and has a number of health issues that cause him pain, yet when the time comes for him to do something he wants or needs for himself, he is completely capable of doing it. But, when someone else is around (me), he is completely helpless. He makes excuses for himself as to why he can’t do anything. I just want time with him, but because of his conceived helplessness and his priorities being where they are, he doesnt spend any time with me, nor does he even seem to want to. Its all about him and his little world. I care, so i dont want to see him become a vegetable, but hes allowing himself to do just that, and theres nothing i can do about it. It makes me so ANGRY, HURT AND EVEN SAD. And im all alone in ky life.
I sympathize with your anger and totally understand where you’re coming from. At the core of it, your emotions stem from your care for your father. You know that he is capable of those menial tasks, and you know that it would help him if he did more for himself, but yet he acts as though it is impossible. You want to see him do the things that will improve his situation, but it is so frustrating to see him continue to back down to any anthill that he turns into a mountain in his mind. And to compound that, you are then the one left responsible for completing all of those tasks for him. He forces you into a situation where you have to be the enabler because you care and don’t want to see him in pain, but this is still an unfair position to be put in regardless.
Often times pain can make us recede into ourselves. Pain is like a blindfold put over our eyes. When we are in pain, the only thing that we can focus on is that nagging pain and we begin to lose sight of anybody else because our pain feels overwhelming. We can’t look past our hurt to even think about anyone else. It doesn’t necessarily come from a place of selfishness, it’s just that we can’t see past our own pain. Sometimes we need a loved one to help us realize we have a blindfold on.
I’ve been in your fathers position before and when someone finally called me out on my helplessness, I realized how selfish I was being. I didn’t intend on angering others, but I did because I didn’t look past my own pain. Once someone lovingly told me how they felt and how my actions were making them feel, I could feel the gutcheck realization that I was putting others in positions I shouldn’t have been putting them in.
It seems like you care really deeply for your father, and I’m sure your father feels the same for you, but has lost his way of showing you affection because of his blindfold of pain. You are not alone. You have your father and I would encourage you to speak with him just to share your feelings. Maybe that will be enough for him to stop the charade of helplessness and stop putting you in unfair situations. Regardless, you are loved and you matter. Even if your father isn’t the one showing it to you right now, I want you to know that there are many people who love you and you’ve found a community of them. If you ever need anything more from us, please reach back out- I appreciate you and commend you for being so strong for your father even when he isn’t holding strong for you.