I don’t really have the words to say to make this post so I’'m just going to take a few minutes to ramble about how my past two or three months have been. School started back up, the first month was great. I felt motivated and I was like I can do this, and well since then everything has gone down hill since then. I don’t really have the words to say to explain anything, explain my feelings, or why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. But here goes nothing.
I started my internship a few weeks into school and I absolutely loved it, I felt like I had value on earth because I was helping people at a domestic abuse/sexual abuse shelter, and I felt important and needed.It was emotionally tough but it was good. It made me feel good. But I had to walk away from it. I was sick for a week and a half, and it was rough. I was missing class and got behind, and I once again lost all motivation.
Well then as some of you know I started working out, which in theory sounds great but it’s actually quite awful for me. It turned into me not eating, working out way too much (overworking myself too soon), and it became an unhealthy addiction of me trying to drop a lot of weight in a small amount of time in a very unhealthy way. Well I got caught up with this guy… surprise surprise right? And this is what this lead to. I was focused on him and what he wanted out of me. We talked all the time, I would send him all my workout pics and improvement pics, just because he liked working out and I just wanted to be good enough for him. And well guess what… once again I fell short, just like I always do in life. I’m never good enough for anyone or anything. He left yesterday, blocked me, banned me from his discord and that’s it.
So now i’m here sitting and wondering and questioning all my self worth and why I’m still here. I’m behind in school, and there’s honestly no way for me to get caught back up, so I might as well just give up. The only way I can get caught back up is if someone is willing to help me. And I’m too afraid to ask because then I feel stupid, and like I feel like I should be able to do this on my own.
I have so many questions that I need answers to… some I feel like I’ll never have answers too? Why can’t I just be okay? Why can’t I feel happy in my own skin? Why do I never feel safe? I’m pretty much constantly in a panic attack because I don’t feel safe. Not because I always feel like I’m in physical danger, but sometimes because i wonder how much people know, if they are judging me, and I can’t handle it. I can’t even handle my thoughts, that now I drown them… but I drown them in alcohol. I’ve started drinking a lot, so I don’t have to feel, which has gotten me farther behind in school, and has put my job on the line because well I’m calling into work all the time, because I can’t handle anything.
Yesterday I was sitting in the library when my “ex friend” blocked me and banned me from his discord and to me it was the end of the world. I can see the bridge across the way, and my first thought was there it is, it’s the end. This is over, I’m not needed anymore. Then I get sent screenshots by someone else in the discord of him saying he wouldn’t care if I ended my life etc, and it killed me because he knew how much I was hurting, and how much him leaving would hurt me. But it doesn’t matter.
So what do I do? Do I distance myself from everyone and try to figure this out on my own? I’ve been self harming a lot. For those of you who don’t know I work at McDonalds, and when I find myself getting upset I just burn myself on purpose, because it takes my mind off the emotional pain. People see it as an accident, and I just say it was an accident and nobody catches on. I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want the constant pain, the being alone, it’s just too much. But here I am broken, coming back to the only safe place I know. Asking for help, answers, support anything.
I’m sorry for ranting and I love you guys. i wish I could be a more valuable member of this community, and not just a burden. But I do love you all, and I hope that you all are doing well. <3
Hold fast… You’re Worth It,