Do i even know myself

It’s hard to put this to words.
My sister yelled at me today, saying that I haven’t changed for the past 3 years. Why haven’t I gotten over the bullying and friends’ betrayal, it’s been a long time. I need to blossom and move on or else I’m gonna come out crooked in life. I act like a bitch to people and I lock myself away in my room. I have to give out this big spectacle of being ‘emo’ and let me wear black and i have to be special and this is my individuality. Well, guess what? You’re not the only one with problems. Mom has it worst of all. so fix whatever’s wrong and move on. What happened that was so bad you can’t move on? Three years. Then you act like music is everything to you, you can’t even talk to people, you don’t have friends. You think you’re okay, but you’re not. You’re fooling yourself, you’re depressed, you hardly smile. You act like you know everything.
She said all that, and I know how harsh it sounds. But that’s the way she is and i know she cares and wants what’s best for me. But honestly I feel so misunderstood and I just don’t understand at all.
She said people who wear black don’t get anywhere in life. That’s wrong, and I could prove it. I don’t have friends, I can’t talk to people. That’s wrong, and I could prove it.
I could, but she wouldn’t listen. She would just say I’m just trying to think of things to say back to her.
And music does mean alot to me. What’s wrong with that?
And what’s with this acting? I don’t mean to act like I know everything. I didn’t think I did. Do I even know myself?
What’s wrong with me. She doesn’t understand that it’s not really the actual bullying or any of that I still cry about. I was so young when it happened, and now everything I am is derived from that. THAT is what makes me so upset. And I found these awesome amazing bands I love, and I hate how it feels like I had to go through so much pain to find them.
You could say, oh well then change, fix yourself.
I’m doomed if I can’t even move forward or learn anything.
AND I JUST FEEL LIKE I CANT TELL HER OR ANYONE ABOUT IT ALL. I just feel upset please i dont know if anyone will read this but help me

1 Like

@Bvblover16 Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that your sister said those things. She is a human, and humans fail. I failed my loved ones too. But does it mean I am a monster? Absolutely not! It’s great that you love music. It brings you comfort. It doesn’t judge you. It uplifts you. No matter what circumstances you are in. The only advice I can give is to forgive her. It’s hard, but it is possible. You are not alone in this. I know how it feels when someone said something harsh, I didn’t say anything back because I couldn’t find the words to shut them up. Shutting someone up it is not going to go anywhere. Like I said, forgive. This forum is open when you want to vent. I hope you are having a restful evening, and thank you for reading this. Take care.

Don’t sweat it my dear. Your love for music isn’t conditional. So it happened that you discover your passion because of certain circumstances. How does that affect your passion? It doesn’t. Accept that you enjoy music just like the sky is blue. No one really needs a scientific analysis of the blueness of the sky to just lie down in a meadow and enjoy a sunny blue sky. And that’s perfectly okay. I’d say, it’s persnickety to take a feeling apart and conduct a medical examination. An unnecessary exercise that’s simply waste of good time spent in so many other better ways.

So you happened to have some experiences. Some good, some bad, some so inconsequential that you probably don’t even remember them any more. That’s called life. Step by step by step. Since you are of homo sapiens species, you are bound to rub shoulders with others of your kind and gain and give out memories, experiences and events all of which shape your personality to varied extends. Even your sister’s angry tirade has a role to play in your life. That’s how life works. If that makes you uncomfortable in gregarious social settings, that’s not a fault. It’s an outcome. And a very common one. Not everyone is like Joy in the movie inside out. Some are Blue. And blue is just as important as joy. Do watch that animation film “INSIDE OUT”. It will help clear all the confused misery you are feeling now.

And oh! If your sister decided to look at you and see a giraffe no matter how loudly she calls you a giraffe you’d still be very much homo sapiens species. Her declaring doesn’t make anything fact. You got the choice to be this or that. You make your own choices, dear. No one else can force you to be anything or anyone you don’t wanna be. And that’s just fine. Only you can decide otherwise.
Believe in yourself. Not in accusations of anyone else. After all, who else knows what’s inside you better than you yourself?
Blessed be, buddy.
Love, always…


Why is your sister so fixated on your looks, philosophy, music? Do you like yourself as you are? If so then tell your sister to bugger off (tell her that you love her and all but to mind her own freakin biz). If people only want to be around you if you wear what they wear or like what they like they aren’t your friends. You’re their tools. They’re using you as an echo chamber which is exactly what your sister is trying to make you become.
If color is really a huge deal and your sister is just hung up over you wearing black all the time add some pink, red, white or orange maybe some grey. It won’t offset what you are. If she is still not happy then you know the reason she’s so hung up is that she is the one hung up on the past not you. Don’t mind whatever she says and everytime she brings up the subject tell her to not waste your time over a trivial matter.

As for the past of your bullying. Don’t get hung up on it. Bands like BVB & all that aren’t about the past or even the future. They’re about living in the moment. The now. You should too. The people that harmed you and may still be bullying you aren’t interested in getting to know you. They maybe hurting and recognize the same hurt in you so they’ve decided to sort of use you as a way to make themselves feel better. Once you’re out of school they’ll all disappear and won’t think twice about you.

So you should move on. Like right now. Forget and forgive. Everytime the past rears its ugly head just be like “I don’t got time for this crap and think on something else.”

No, what you are is not derived from being bullied. It is derived from you wanting to be who you are. To be free from labels. Forget her and anyone that agrees with her. BE yourself, if you truly think your sister is right and you don’t know yourself then go get to know yourself. If your actions & thoughts are all about how others act towards you, how you think they view you or by you liking stuff because you think that is what they desire from you whether it is in a way so they’ll accept you or so they can reject you and dislike you…you don’t know who you are and maybe you should heed the advice of your sister. If everything you do, wear or whatever is a reply to others then your life, etc. is being manipulated by others and this means you aren’t being true to yourself.

You need to love yourself and like yourself along with accepting yourself. Once you do this then the right kind of people will accept you. You don’t need other people that judge you to like you and accept you (including your sister).

The reason you feel you can’t explain this to her is you’ve tried and she refused to listen. She all holds over in thinking she knows you and why you are like this that she doesn’t care if she’s wrong. People like this is a waste of time. It is futile trying to get them to see your perspective. Ignore them and be happy with yourself. Don’t let them steal your joy.

I for one like the way you are. I hope you like who you are. Be strong.
Sending positivity, light & love your way.