Do I even want to recover?

I’ve been delaying this post for a while because I’m not good at being honest in this way… However, here it is. I’m starting to feel like more of a drain on this community and all of you than anything else. I feel as if I’m doing more harm than good at this point, but… This is my last ditch attempt to truly battle my feelings of being alone. I really don’t know what more I can do, I can’t keep going on like this. I can feel myself starting to isolate from everyone and I no longer have any energy to fight this battle. I know you’re going to say that I’ve been here before and gotten through it each time, but this is different. Each of the previous times I have been pretty hysterical with my mind going crazy, but, right now, I’m just numb. I can think about everything you’re about to read without feeling anything at all. Every night is just endless night terrors. Every day is filled with abuse from my family, suicidal thoughts and justification of why both of those things are acceptable. The constant need to be high/drunk/harming is becoming so overwhelming. I’m in a position now where I just don’t know if I want to be in my recovery anymore, I don’t even know if I want to be alive anymore. Unless I have someone telling me to go and eat or take my medication, I can go days without doing either because I really don’t care for anything that means I’m taking care of myself. I guess you could say I was never taught how to look after myself the way my sisters were, but I’m 22 and should now be able to do the basic things that a human needs to do to function. I just feel so worthless and alone that I don’t see the point. It’s like everyone other than 2 or 3 people that I’ve ever reached out to is just abandoning me now that I need them. It’s as if I’m drowning, fighting to reach the surface but everyone else is just standing by and watching. I should just let myself drown, I’ll never be able to make it all the way out. Even if I do make it back to the surface, I don’t think anyone is going to be there to teach me to swim.
There are only 2 things I can think about right now…
Do I really want recover?
Do I even want to live?

I’m sorry if this is jumbled… I’m so bad at this whole honesty thing.

I think you nailed it, Kayla.

Those are two core questions that you need to answer.

I think what’s really going on here though is not that you don’t “WANT” to recover, but rather, that you’ve lost hope that you CAN recover.

For instance, if you had hope you could recover and you started to see progress that life’s getting better, your pain is lessening, you feel empowered to continue moving forward…you’d want to live! You’d see that life is getting better, and you’d feel hopeful, and you wouldn’t question whether or not you’d want to live. The opposite is true too.

So it’s less, “Do I want to live?” And it’s more, “Do I have hope that I can recover?”

So let’s address that question…

In what ways have you seen yourself improve over the past year? I know you might say none at all, but I can assure you you’ve improved in at least two ways:

  1. being honest about your struggles (exemplified in this post)
  2. stepping out of isolation (exemplified in your participation in this community)

…while you might counter-argue that you don’t do either very well, etc, you certainly are better at it now than you were a year ago. And PROGRESS is helpful to develop hope…because if you can look back and see yourself becoming more of the type of person that you need to be in order to recover, then you can grab onto some semblance of hope that if you keep moving forward, you’ll get there.

But what other ways have you seen yourself improve? You could probably name a few more, like resilience and grit…you’ve probably learned how to fight better, how to cope better…and even if you’re not perfect at applying those things, you’ve got practice with them now, and that’s more than the year before.

So reasonably speaking, looking back, you’ve gotten better, and YES, your recovery is still hard, your life is still hard, your life is still painful, but if you’re making progress, you have hope that things will get better. And if things can get better, then your life is worth living. And I assure you, Kayla, things can get better.

Now, as we look forward to this next year after reviewing the past one, I think it’d be helpful for you to establish – what type of person do I want to be in a year? Not, what do I want my life to look like, but who do I want to BECOME? How do I want to GROW?

For instance, maybe you want to become someone who is more present and laughs more. Life is so damn serious and difficult and full of pain, maybe you just want to be more in the moment and more joyful. If that’s the case, you can look into developing more present-mindedness and more joy…you can put yourself in situations to laugh, you can look at the craziness of your life and smile because what an insane ride this is – the ups and downs can be nauseating or they can be exhilarating! You’re on a wild coaster, dude! You get tossed in the air and then plummeted to the ground…you never know what to expect, and that can be so exciting! People pay for that kind of entertainment! Ha :slight_smile: I don’t mean to make light of it, but rather to represent other perspectives you can exercise taking, if you want to become that type of person. Whatever type of person you want to become, focusing on how to become might be more helpful than focusing on your recovery, because it has been a source of discouragement for so long, that it might help to bring your focus to your character, and if you develop your character, your recovery will improve.

One more reminder…recovery looks like this:


You’re going to have moments of victory and moments of defeat, some closer together and more nauseating than others…it’s just part of the recovery journey…but when you can look back over the course of time and see yourself making progress like we were able to do today, you can have confidence that you’re headed in the right direction. Take heart, friend, because you have more hope than you realized, and better is still ahead. Keep moving forward! You have support and love behind you. <3




First, let me say. You are NOT a drain on this community. You have encouraged and lifted up so many people with your words. Don’t for a moment believe that lie!

No worries about everything being jumbled. Not that I think it is. :slight_smile: You are being honest and sharing what’s going on. THAT is what matters.

You are dealing with so much. But you are not fighting alone. There is a whole community of people behind you. We are cheering for you. There is always hope, friend. Take things day by day, minute by minute. You can do this. We believe in you.


absoulultly lost it when you said recovery looks like this…the accuracy

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Kayla, sister, friend, I’m so proud of you for trying and being honest. You feel worthless but sometimes you can’t trust your feelings and you can’t trust your fear. You are strong by fighting and if you feel weak you’re trying. My heart bleeds for you. You’ve been fighting like hell, putting up with all this shit. Since you are going through all this, the result must be something worth it. And it is. You are worth it. You don’t feel like it, can’t see it, so believe me. We love you. I believe in you. You are the most important person in your life. No one will ever love you and understand you the way you do. Listen to this song. You are worth it

Die For You Black Veil Brides

Hey @Kayla,

First off- PLEASE don’t feel the need to apologize, it’s what we are here for you. It’s hard to get our thoughts strait when we are struggling.

I am proud of you for posting- I know how hard it can be. Please know you are not alone.

I love you friend and I know a whole ton of other people do too.

Just know that the road to recovery isn’t a strait shot- just as Nate has told me before and as he has stated in his response I think- recovery is never a strait line graph- it’s a bunch of ups and downs.

In those times of downs we are here to help pick you back up- in those times of ups we are here to celebrate your achievements.

We are always here. We love you.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)

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