So… I guess you can say most external things are going well with all things considered… I still have my job, I’ll be sharing my step 2 this week and I’ve been to America and heading to Berlin within less than a month of each other…
Thing is, even when I’m not in the house, the abuse from my family continues. On the phone, over text, you name it, they’re on there. I’m starting to feel that maybe moving out isn’t going to solve anything and that it’s just gunna be the same thing - the only difference being that there’s no one in my way of self harming.
I thought that once the work situation was resolved I would be doing better, but, I’m not… not at all. I just feel like suicide is the only way out for me… if that’s not an option, then I will just go back to being high all the time. Is it going to be worth my time moving out? Am I really going to ok? Does anyone truly believe in me?
I keep praying to God every night for any type of help in finding these answers, but, as much as he is providing all the other answers, He seems to be keeping those from me. I just need someone to be with me - to tell me it’s going to be okay. Instead I get told I’m pathetic and an attention seeker - but maybe that’s what my life is supposed to look like?
It’s going to be okay.
It won’t always be but it will be. It will, over time… it will get better. Good things don’t happen straight away. It takes time. It always takes time. You might not think that moving will help but sometimes a new environment, a new view… can honestly really help. There will be that text. There will be that call. There will be that post. That will hurt you. and damn, its going to hurt. But out there is a whole world ready to accept you. I find comfort in that & i think you could too. We’re out here with open arms, ready to catch you. Sure, there are days that we’re going to stumble. We’re going to trip and fall so many times but that doesn’t mean we’re defeated.
You’re not pathetic. You’re not attention seeking. You just need someone to hear you. Someone to understand.
And we do. I do. I’ve been there. I’m probably on the other side of the world. But I hear you and I believe in you.
So I’ll say it again.
It’s going to be okay
I am sorry that your family is so hurtful towards you. It hurts my heart that you’ve been experiencing that for so long. I want you to know that I am proud of you, and I believe in you. I know the rest of this community does as well. You are more than what has been done to you. I know things feel overwhelming and like suicide is the only way to make it better but that just isn’t the truth. God has never once left your side. He knows your every need. It can seem like he isn’t providing the answers you are looking for, but he has everything under control even when it may seem like everything is out of control through our eyes. He makes all things work for the good of those who love him. I can see that you love him and he knows your heart, your thoughts and struggles. Keep seeking him and relying on him. He will never fail you. He is the same now and forever. You are not pathetic or an attention seeker. Know that you are so incredibly strong and can make it through this. Love you so very much friend.
We are all attention seekers. Human beings need attention to thrive and be healthy, so don’t get down on yourself for needing some TLC (Michael Jackson reference). Trust me, Kayla, suicide is not going to solve your problems. There is still hope of living a meaningful life. With everyday you keep fighting you get stronger. It may not feel like it, but as you keep moving forward and keep fighting for a better life, there is no doubt in my mind you will attain it.
Something that might help in your journey is asking God what decisions He would have you start making to attain that more meaningful life. They may be small at first, but the small things make the most difference. Also if you ask Him what He would have you do with real intent, I guarantee He will answer. One, because He loves you, and two, because He enjoys telling people what to do
Love you Kayla, you are stronger than you give yourself credit.
I wish I could believe you guys, but, I really don’t know.
Even if you don’t believe in yourself, find comfort in the fact that someone here does believe in YOU, that YOU are amazing, that YOU can do so much, that YOU can be strong and that one day YOU will believe in yourself. You’re not alone. You’re never alone. You do deserve happiness. You do deserve kindness and love. We’ve all be in a similar dark place like this. One day you’ll be able to believe in yourself. In moments like this, it is OK to feel a little defeated, it is OK to not always have the strength.
Even if you don’t believe in us, I believe in you and I’m sure many others do to.