Hi everyone!
Before I get started - I’m mostly making this post to write down my thoughts since they have been starting to build up in my head, which has been causing me anxiety and have been making it difficult for me to sleep the past few days. Reading this back I realized this became quite a bit of a rant, and I hope this sorta thing is okay to post here. I just want to get my thoughts out and share with others. With that being said, I would definitely appreciate hearing what others think about my current situation!
So this year I have been trying to take steps in the right direction to better my mental health, as for many years (5-6) I have struggled with low moods, depression etc. I have been making an effort to go for walks and I have a therapist lined up at the beginning of next month. Another one of these “steps” have been making appointments with my doctor.
At this point I have had multiple appointments with him over the course of ~6 months. And for some additional context: I have seen him in the past (roughly 1.5 years ago) where I went in for similar problems.
Over the years of seeing my doctor I have tried a total of two anti-depressants. Trintellix and Wellbutrin. Both of these medications made things worse for me. The first one made me more tired and more depressed. The second, Wellbutrin, was WAY worse. Significant increase in anxiety, difficulty sleeping, and on the fourth night I went from feeling high and buzzing throughout entire body to a panic attack where I started hearing voices. heh. Needless to say I stopped taking it after the fourth day.
When I went in to see my doctor I told him about this, he followed up by asking me how I have been the past few months, as the last appointment I had with him was ~3 months ago. I told him that I’ve mostly been experiencing low mood, low energy, low motivation, but on occasion I experienced moments where I was doing quite well (4-5 days) and other moments where I went threw more depressive episodes. To my surprise, the doctor was less so concerned about my depressive episodes, and seemed more concerned about the moments where I was doing well. He said that he has some concerns that I was in a manic or hypomanic state.
Dr: When you were feeling better, were you more talkative?
Me: Yes!
Dr: Were you abnormally energetic?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Did you feel like you could go extended periods of time without sleep?
Me: …Yeah.
He then asked me if there is any bipolar in my family. My mom has bipolar.
It was at this moment that my doctor said that it sounds like I might also have bipolar, something that I had never considered in my entire life. So he made a referral to a psychiatrist so we can see if I actually have it or not.
There is something here that I feel like I should admit to - When I originally made the decision to start seeing my doctor again, some sick part of me wanted to get a diagnosis of some sort of mental illness. The reason? Well, one of the reasons was so that I could have an answer (or an excuse) as to why I have been the way I am for the past 5-6 years, but another reason, sickeningly, you can victimize yourself to get empathy from others (terrible, I know). And when my doctor shared his concern about me potentially having bipolar, I was trying to hide my smile. And man… I feel like an awful person for admitting to that…
Even though I genuinely never considered me having bipolar, or even knowing what hypomania was beforehand, ever since that appointment I cannot stop thinking about it and about bipolar disorder itself. I’ve been up all night searching up symptoms of it and reading up on others experience with it. I’ve been trying my absolute hardest to look at my life as unbiased as possible in an attempt to see if I actually have it.
As I said, part of me wanted a diagnosis, and with that being said, did I accidentally overexaggerating my symptoms to manipulate him into thinking I have some sort of disorder? Do I actually have hypomanic episodes? Is my depression even that bad? When I see my Psychiatrist, will I now subconsciously over-exaggerate bipolar-specific symptoms now that I’ve done research on it and am more familiar with it?
Its been driving me absolutely nuts! I feel so lost, confused and muddled in thought. Even though continuing down the path of obsessing over bipolar disorder is causing me so much stress, I just cant help it…
Just read one more reddit post, read one more article, watch one more video.
Should I tell my doctor that I am afraid I might be subconsciously overexaggerating my symptoms? Or would this make things worse and destroy all the trust we have built with each other over the years?
PS: I am aware of how this post may look, but I am not looking for medical advice or a diagnosis from anyone here lol. Just curious if anyone can remotely relate to this.