Ever since I could remember I had “off” thoughts when I was really little I would tell my mom I could protect her from the cholos when we lived in a bad part in Cali everyone thought it was hilarious but I really believed I had super powers for years I would stare at random things to move or start a fire as I grew older things got worse I started seeing things then came the voices but I thought I was normal until 2 yrs ago one of my persons was really pushy to find my place in a different reality plus some serious emotional abuse I was going through in a relationship pushed me to start to plan my death I ended using meth & everything completely sropped the voices everything went quiet & I realized I wasnt normal I reached out for help & I diagnosed with Schizophrenia I was given medication it worked at first but then it didnt I also felt lost I lost my person I lost myself it was the lonliest time in my life & I dont know if I want to live “Normal” has anyone experienced something similar?
Hi Friend,
Welcome to Heart Support and thank you for posting!
I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder which is schizophrenia with a mood disorder like major depression, like I have or bi-polar. I have textile (touch) and auditory hallucinations. I’m on new meds and they are helping with the hallucinations and some of my other symptoms like paranoia and delusions.
A couple years ago, I stopped taking my meds because I believed my pharmacist or someone was putting something in them to make me feel bad. I went a long time without any medication and things were def worse. Now that I’m back on my meds, the voices are most of the time at a very low mumble and I can’t really make out what they are saying. I like it that way because when they yell, scream and cuss at me, it can be very distressing.
So, yes meds do make a difference. I would suggest looking for a talk therapist and a psychiatrist to help you.
ADHD here. Without the meds, I was constantly on edge, afraid of unfamiliar situations, overthinking everything, forgetting constantly, and not being aware when people were talking to me. On the meds, I’m more confident, not questioning myself as much, remembering things slightly better, and more aware of people talking to me. Those last 2 are only a little bit better but what can you do.
Hey @Izester31,
Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your experience here.
When it comes to medications, it can be very different from one person to another, but in a general sense they are helpful to regulate our emotions and thoughts when they are interfering too much with our life.
Something I hear in what you have shared is that medications have given you this feeling of losing yourself, of shutting down. I think it completely makes sense, also to be afraid of it and tempted to stop your treatment. Although it may not be a medication issue per se. For most of your life you have been used to live with these voices and thoughts. It has been your normal, almost everything you’ve down. It is where you feel a sense of familiarity. So when you start to see this disappearing because of a medical treatment, you can feel a sense of panic and profound sadness for seemingly losing a part of yourself, a part of what is familiar – and somehow comforting – to you.
I am personally on antidepressants because I have been depressed ever since I was little. The transition at first was difficult because the medications were balancing my emotions in a less extreme way – I wouldn’t have these regular intense spells of tears and sadness anymore that, somehow, felt familiar to me because they happened regularly. I was afraid of becoming numb, empty, basically a zombie. With time though and by pursuing my treatment, I have learned to feel familiar with this new normal that the medications create. It’s actually far from being empty and lonely! But I couldn’t figure that out instantly, not after year sand years of experiencing something different. I’ve learned to not fear it anymore and see it as a life transition from one emotional state to another, the second one allowing me to be the person I can be without these layers of depression and suicidal thoughts.
I believe it makes sense to feel like being “normal” equals emptiness, boredom, in-satisfaction. The intensity of our emotions and thoughts without medications can be synonym for us to feeling alive and finding comfort. We get accustomed to it. But that is a lie, and learning to break this lie down, to create a new normal, is part of healing. You are not meant to feel entirely lonely and lost while taking medications. Feeling “normal” doesn’t equal something bad. But it takes time to get used to it, to learn to see that behind the apparent emptiness there is an entirely different world that is, actually, full of subtleties and beauty. In your situation, it might even help you see the world around you in a more grounded and connected way, while allowing you to be less focused on what’s going on internally.
I would encourage you to make sure to discuss all of this with your doctor or psychiatrist. Taking medications can be a challenging life transition at a personal level, and it’s really important that you can have a space to regularly talk about all of this, your fears and concerns as well. What you’ve experienced is a perfect example of why medications are not meant to be taken alone, but to be systematically coupled with therapy. You need a space to reflect on how it affects you and shifts your life experiences, so you can eventually be reassured, informed, and make decisions accordingly. 
From: RedYeti
Hi Friend, My advice is to go seek multiple opinions from medical professionals who specialize with schizophrenia and they will be best able to help you with finding a medication that works best for you. Hope everything works out and thank you for posting!
Medication can be trial and error, but when you take them regularly and are in therapy, they are super effective. If you can find a specialist for schizofrenia, that would be helpful since they’ll know more what they are doing (but any psychiatrist will know!!).
For me, normal is an illusion. We are all unique individuals. Even on medications you will still have your personality and be you. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid of change. When you take medication, make sure you talk to your provider about how you feel when you are on it. The dose could be wrong for you.
Even if you choose not to take meds, being honest with your psychiatrists and doctors is important for your health.
And remember this, which I like to think about. Van Gogh did his best works while getting help for his mental health. So our creativity and person is still there
It’s very hard to say what will work for any one person as everyone metabolizes and responds differently to dosing, meds, etc. however, I did learn from my primary care physician that there is a dna test they can do from a blood sample to determine how your body would metabolize various types of psych meds. You may wish to pursue this testing if you have had difficulties finding a med that helps you.
sometimes insurance covers it too!
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