Doing it again

my mom was a bit suspicious yesterday. she didnt let me look at her phone so that made me think she is hiding something. i checked her phone, she was texting my psychologist, so i can start my counseling classes again. im sad that she didnt tell me. i dont mind doing them again. i love talking about my problems to everyone exept my family.


Hey Bianka,

It’s hard to have events like this ware against your trust in your mom and in your feelings of privacy. It can feel like such a breach in this small pocket of safety that you’re trying to build in your life, and feeling like it gets invaded is so disheartening.

And it makes sense that you feel safer talking to people besides your family…partly because your family contributes to the problem, but partly because it seems like it can be a very risky thing to open up…especially if they don’t listen well or seem to understand where you’re coming from.

As a parent and a husband, I know that when my wife or kids open up to me about their problems, it’s SO MUCH HARDER to listen well to them than it is to someone else because their problems are closer to me, mean more to me, and sometimes mean something about me, and it’s hard to detach from the personal pain of receiving difficulties from someone you love. It would make sense that they struggle to listen well, if that’s the case.

But it doesn’t make it any easier for you to talk to them…because when you open up about your problems and are met with criticism or advice or “shoulds” or condescension or shame…it can be so hard to pick yourself back up, because it took so much courage to share in the first place, to be shattered to pieces afterwards can put you in a place that feels irreparable.


It’s very common for moms to do stuff like that. She must have anticipated that you would resist going to counseling. The good news is that you can talk to someone outside your family now. It’s very rare that family members make good counselors, even though they believe that they are full of “helpful” advice.

Counselors tend to avoid counseling members in their own family, for pretty much the same reason that family members shouldn’t counsel each other. Lack of objectivity interferes.

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I perfectly understand how you feel. I feel that exact same way with the problems in my life.

I understand how you would feel sad if she didn’t tell you. I would feel the same way, just my mom always tells me… so I can’t quite relate there, but your feelings make perfect sense.

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