I’ve been struggling on and off with self harm for the past few years. It started when I was 14 i think with cutting on my arms but I stopped after a few months. My mother saw the scars but believed my bullshit explanation. It was a cry for help what didn’t work out. My sexual awakening was around this time so i was confused about myself and the world around me. I always think that this was the last time but it all starts over again. I’ve used a lot of methods so far but cutting always sticked. But it was never so bad that I felt like i have to ask for help.
At the moment I’m cutting again and I’m home for the holidays (I’m staying in drom otherwise during weekdays) so I’m away from my friends and I feel so fucking lonely. I feel like I’m drifting away from my friends and family and I can’t do anything about it. I think about killing myself more and more and I don’t think I would actually do it but it still scares me. The more miserable I get inside the more I feel the need to act happy so I don’t think anyone noticed have bad I’m spiralling.
Anyway I just typed this out so I wouldn’t self harm again but it didn’t work.
(Sorry for my poor vocabulary but English is my second language)
Welcome to heart support, I want to let you know that this space is a safe one to talk about these very difficult topics, I also want you to know that your safety is always going to be the #1 priority.
Let me start by encouraging you that you are not alone in how you are feeling and what you’re experiencing. You are an incredibly unique being with your own feelings and your own journey, but the essence of feeling hurt and turning to self harm is something that doesn’t make you an outcast. There is no shame here that you have to carry.
Self harm feels so addictive doesn’t it? People have used it as a tool to relieve anger, hurt, numbness or to feel in control, distract from big life changes or trauma and to release endorphins.
It’s something I struggled with too.
Somehow the more we repeat those actions, the more familiar they become and the message replayed is “this is what I deserve”.
Distractions can be useful and they can be effective, but I think personally to get to a place where they can really be effective, it’s important to also have support to reach out to.
So that being said, I would love to encourage you that having a support system is something that can be such a relief. Like you don’t have to hold in all this hurt and sadness feeling like you’re about to explode.
I want to share a safety plan with you. This link will provide some details about what that looks like and a free app you can download. I think it’s a great tool to have handy because sometimes when the intense urges and emotions hit, we can’t always focus on anything else. Having a plan in place can take out the hard work in the moment.
Does this mean you have to fill it all in in one go? No, and it doesn’t mean that it’s going to be something easy to share with someone, but it does give someone a chance to know that you’re not feeling safe, it gives them a chance to walk along beside you and share some of that pressure.
You are always welcome to share when you need, you are always welcome to talk about the hard stuff, but I want to remind you that you are loved and valued, and because of that, I don’t want to see you try to do this on your own.
Hey @Pirospaprika,
Just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing. How have you been feeling since you’ve posted here? Have the urges and thoughts to hurt yourself more present recently? I know these can really make our life miserable and leaves us feel absolutely helpless. You can be proud of yourself for reaching out here while going through such a rough time.
Sending much love your way and just a friendly reminder that you matter, friend. 