Done trying

[Ashwell]

Hi everyone.
This is unfortunately not gonna be a good post. Honestly i feel like imight have been posting too much lately. That is because i am not doing well. Its not that something terrible had happened. Its just that my mental state has been sontinuously degrading for the last few weeks. I have been playing video games, listening to music and procrastinating. I dont really care about myself. I dont care what food i eat, when do I go to sleep or when do I wake up. I dont have much energy. Lately it has been getting harder to support others as well. I feel like I am being dishonest. Like I dont really believe what I am saying.

There have been many factors that have started to play into this. My lack of will and motivation to study. Me being at my parents place. My experience with burnout. I feel even worse when I see what others have been dealing with. They have it much harder then me and they have a bigger will to fight and go on the i do. I also got ill so I am not even feeling good physically. Its a big downhill spiral for me lately. I am tired of living. I dont really want to live. I continue on a daily basis but its exhaisting.

I have the support of online friends but to be honest it doesnt help. There is frustration build in inside me. Why is is me who has to fight to be alive. I didnt choose to be alive. Why should I continue. It would hurt people around me if I killed myself so I cant but that doesnt mean I want to live. It has been really hard to support others let alone myself. I dont want to go on. I feel so done. If I had a chance to kill myself without hurting the people around me I would do it. I dont want to continue.

I am sickof advice how to be happier or better or healthier. Its always things that I should do. Why though. I dont want to. Do these things to be happy, do these to be healthy, do these to be productive. To be honest I feel like I am held hostage. I dont want to do most of the things I do. And I do get sick of the things that I somewhat enjoy too. I can see my life get a little bit better but I can see it get so much worse. I am tired of trying. I dont care if I live or die.

[blini]

Hey Ashwell,

I just came by to send you some hugs and much love. While my situation is different, I can relate a lot to what you’re writing on an emotional level. Done trying. I get that. I’m probably not even trying anymore.

@Ashwell

Its not that something terrible had happened.

Your previous post was very heartbreaking. I wouldn’t consider this as nothing happened. Also, you write that you’re ill and you’re dealing with a lot of depressive symptoms, so I guess there is in fact a lot going on. Then you kind of acknowledge what’s going on in your second paragraph, but invalidate it again by comparing your struggles to others’. That’s never a fair thing to do. Everyone has their unique story and carries their unique scars. There really isn’t anything to compare. [However, I am honest with you. I do that too and only see people around me who have real problems.]

@Ashwell

I have the support of online friends but to be honest it doesnt help.

At some point the change has to happen in real life. “Sending you hugs” just isn’t the same as someone being physically there and really giving you a hug.

No advice from an expert in not following their own advice. I am even sick of my own advice. Just a note that I can relate to being at a point of not wanting anymore. I hear you. I wish I could do more for you.

You’re in my thoughts. Take care, Ashwell. You matter.

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hey My Friend, I get both how hard it is to tell others that all will be well when you may not believe it yourself and that you know that its also easier to sit and write those words than to to actually do the things that are being suggested, it can all seem so patronising and one big pile of “its easy for you to say” but you also know and yes it is much easier to write the words to a degree except for when you do genuinely care for a person then its not quite so easy, granted its not the same as being in the situation but it puts it in to a lot more perspective as all you want to do is physically help that person and you cant.
You know how important you are to us and you also know that your upset is just as important as everyone elses and you would tell you exactly the same thing. If you have burnt yourself out and need a break my friend than take that break and do not feel bad for doing so, its ok. But yes of course you have to fight sweet and you have to do it for you because no matter how you feel right now, you have no idea what your future holds and it could be remarkable and you deserve to find out. I care if you live or die. I care very much indeed. That may not mean too much right now but I hope at some point it will. as will this, you are loved very much, you are such an special person. Rest now, recoup and take time to care for you. xxxx

[Ashwell]

Thank you @blini and @Lisalovesfeathers for your kind words. I appreciate them a lot. I wanted to give you a bit of an update. I am currently ill so the weakness and feeling bad might not have just been burnout and depression but also being ill. I have a flu and I feel very week and my body hurts so yeah. I am sorry that I upset you. I just felt very bad and this was the result of a long time decline in mental health. I am going to be resting and drinking a lot of hot tea in the near future. Thank you for you support

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Oh @Ashwell I am sorry you are unwell but yes it does have a huge effect on both your physical and mental state, I know myself this year so far has been a struggle health wise and its been tough on occasions and I have had days where my mental health has taken a battering because ive just been exhausted so yes I completely get you where that is concerned, you have also taken on a lot out of kindness and there comes to a point sometimes where for your own sake you kind of have to withdraw from situations (not because you arent capable, but because they are just not healthy for you) but that all comes with experience. I learnt it many years ago as a volunteer in an organisation, it took me to have complete burn out and a break down to realise i had possibly taken on too much at a time when i should have been caring for my self but you have to learn things like that, others telling you is ok but I think it actually comes from your own experiences. You have not upset me Ash if it was me you were talking to there, I just want you to get well, I dont like seeing anyone I care about being unwell or upset. I love that you are planning to take care of yourself and I look forward to spending more time with you when you feel better. Much Love as always xx

[Micro]

Hey @Ashwell,

Hopefully your body will recover smoothly so you can feel yourself again. Our physical health definitely affects our emotions. The more energy we have to devote for our body to function, the less we are available emotionally. I hope you keep in mind that this is not something you can choose, nor a situation that would say anything about you as a person. It’s just a situation that sucks.

Sending much love your way. Please keep us updated.

May your recovery go well, friend. You’re loved.

[blini]

Ashwell, I wish you a speedy recovery! When you’re at your limit already, then everything that comes on top is just overwhelming. I hope you rest well and enjoy the tea. Maybe you’ll even end up with a British accent. However, I guess I’ll be stuck with my accent forever, no matter how much tea I’ll have.

I hope you have a nice weekend and that it’ll go uphill mental health wise rather sooner than later. Because you matter.

[Mystrose]

I’m sorry you’re sick. I’m sorry I missed your post. I hope that you know you are loved and I hope you feel better really soon. Lots of tea, yes!

[Ashwell]

Hi everyone. Unfortunstely its not getting better. Both mentaly and physicaly. My suicidal thoughts are getting stronger. I cant really see a future for myself where I would be happy. And if there is one I am not even sure its worth persuing. I seriously doubt there is anything in my future that will make suddenly everything worth it.

[Sita]

I am so sorry that it’s been so hard recently. It doesn’t matter if other have it harder. The subjective experience of pain, especially when we’re physically ill, is always magnified. If the physical illness passes, it might become a bit easier to tackle the mental side of things.

Have you been taking stuff for the physical symptoms? Is being with your parents a stressor? Is it making things worse for you?

We all care deeply about you, you have touched the lives of so many, and I truly hope that your body heals quickly so that there is extra energy to direct towards your psyche. You matter, and you have a space in the world to do things that only you can. We’d all like to be here to see all the great things you get to experience, and see, and even the thoughts you have to share. Keep strong friend, you’re loved.

[Mystrose]

@Ashwell

I seriously doubt there is anything in my future that will make suddenly everything worth it.

I didn’t think so either when I was younger, but I have had them. That’s why I’m still here, because I know there will be more. Just when I think it’s done, something will happen and pull me back. I hope that for you my friend.

You are loved.

[Danjo]

Hey friend, I was just thinking about you the other day after our call, and I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. Thank you for all you do and what you’ve done for so many people. Please take breaks and do things for yourself no matter how seemingly “insignificant” they might be. You’re loved.

-Dan

[Micro]

I wish there was a way to take all of this exhaustion and hurt away instantly, @Ashwell. You are such a wonderful, loving, caring human being. In no way you would deserve to be hit by hopelessness. You have so much to give and receive in this world, still.

I cant really see a future for myself where I would be happy.

You are tired, friend, both physically and emotionally. Even if it is really tempting to dive into this, now is probably not a right time to focus on these big questions. Just because that can be pretty overwhelming, and the way you feel right now is going to shape your perception a lot, about yourself, your future and life in general. When these thoughts and questions are starting to overwhelm you, I’d like to encourage you to try to breathe and ask yourself: “Am I in the right mindset at the moment to consider those questions in a way that would be fair and honest to myself?”. There is a part of you that knows better, one that understands what tunnel vision is. There’s another voice within your heart. But it tends to be more silent when we are hurting.

I seriously doubt there is anything in my future that will make suddenly everything worth it.

Not suddenly, but surely progressively. Actually, you might not even be aware of that when it happens, as we question less the purpose of life when we are fully embracing its flow. Depression is this mechanism that disrupts the machine from running smoothly. Little by little, with what we know as being true, the love we have and receive from safe people, but also thanks to unexpected events and opportunities, we learn to be the conductor of our own life again. You are not doomed to be stuck or to feel like you don’t belong.

There is more. There is hope. Even if at the beginning it appears to be present through moments, temporary sparks or minutes of pure life throughout the day. You are so full of this beautiful life already. It is present through every heartbeat that you can feel in your chest. I see you and I’ve seen this life of yours at play multiple times - through your love, your generosity, but also your curiosity and unique outlook that you have on the world around. You are not empty. You are not broken. And you have friends right here to remind you of it, to let you know each time hearing you smile feels like a warm ray of sunlight. It really does.

I hope you can rest as much as you need. Please make sure to give your body the time it needs to recover some strength. You have only one body that deserves to be nurtured and have the time to heal properly. No pressure on that matter.

You are loved so very much.