I’ve started to post here a little more and it’s been amazing to have this community just support me through so much, and I’m incredibly thankful. Honestly, some days I wake up and the only thing that keeps me going or that makes me feel any joy is remembering that there’s an HS stream later on in the day. But I’m so scared that one day it won’t be enough or something, and I’m really going to push myself over the edge. A few days ago I seriously considered overdosing as a way to stop the constant thoughts running through my head and the anxiety. It just comes out of nowhere sometimes, and even now my chest physically feels so heavy.
I know I should be grateful that I’ve been getting interviews for a job I’ve been hoping for, but sometimes I’m so scared that I’ll fail at it, or that my future won’t hold any meaning, career-wise and just life-wise. So my thought process is why try? Why try if I’m always going to feel anxious and helpless and not know what to do? There are nights like this one where I’m just so down and out, I don’t know if I can move forward and I don’t even know if I want to. And then I cry several times a day because I miss my ex-girlfriend so much and just wish she could be here with me. I haven’t been able to sleep properly for the last month either because my mind doesn’t shut up. Nothing’s ‘wrong’ in my life I guess, I’m just broken and a failure. And I really don’t want to come off as though I’m complaining. I’m equally angry at myself that I can’t be appreciative of what I do have. I’m starting therapy soon, but if that doesn’t work, I don’t know what will. It honestly feels like my faith is failing me too, and I have no where left to turn.
I want to give people hope and that’s what I try to do here, because there are days that I really believe it. But then there’s nights like this and it’s brutal. I start to doubt everything and just want it all to stop.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your heart and your struggles. I know how anxiety can plague you until you feel like you’re worthless and have nothing to offer the world. I used to struggle with it so, so bad and thought that I would never have a future. It can be so burdensome, to the point where you question why you are even alive.
But, friend. Things don’t always have to be that way. Things can get better. Maybe not this week, or next month, or even within the next year. But, they can get better. I am living proof of this. I used to struggle so, so much and questioned my worth and constantly felt like a failure and like I never had anything to offer the world. But, friend. This changed. It took years, but eventually it changed. I have found my worth and value because of my faith in Jesus. Not every day is easy, but because of my faith in knowing who I am in Him, I can better handle difficult moments. I can remember that my worth isn’t placed in how I feel or what my thoughts are telling me, but in who He says I am. No, this isn’t always easy. Sometimes my feelings/thoughts seem to overtake me. But, in the end, I know the truth of who I am. (Even if it’s hard to believe in the moment).
If you want to talk more, let me know. There are so many people struggling with the same thing. You aren’t alone, friend. You aren’t alone.
Friend - getting a job is terrifying. Especially for those of us already struggling. You CAN move forward in this and you’re not worthless you have helped many people. You’re doing really well. Keep fighting. We are all here with you. Keep reaching out.
I am so glad that you are reaching out and I am so proud of you. I totally get those days where the only good thing to look forward to is the HS livestreams- that got me through basically my senior year of High School. And yeah- it is scary to think that one day that won’t be enough- I’ve been there. Friend I am SO GLAD that you are till here with us; I understand those constant thoughts but friend you fought through and man that shows how brave and strong you are. I understand how it can just appear out of thin air, I understand the heaviness on your chest.
When I worked at my old job- my mental health went to crap; I was honestly self injuring at work, and I just wanted to die- the people were nice, mostly, but everything was too fast. It also hurt because a lot of people just see a job as- well a job, but there are so many different aspects in play; back then I wasn’t on enough of a dosage of anxiety/depression medication so that wasn’t really helping. I was scared about everything- and everything at that job was too fast. I would get chest pains and I cried multiple times in public which is really embarrassing for me personally. At times I would feel like my hands and face were tingling and going numb. I must say- it freaking sucked.
I totally feel this my friend. I encourage you to just be sure that whatever job you are going into is going to be OK for you- because I learned the hard way that a job is not just a job- there are a lot of factors to look into. I’m glad you are getting interviews for a job you are hoping for, and I’m sure you will do great! I know that feeling of why even try- that’s how I have been a lot recently I have applied and applied and applied but no call backs, so now I am like man why even try when I’m just wasting my time- so man do I get that feeling. The fact that you keep pressing on shows how brave and awesome and strong you are. So keep on keeping on my friend
I really really get the not being able to sleep- you are not alone in that. It sucks and I’m sorry you have to go through that too. Friend, we all struggle- everyone has something not going quite right in their life and that is ok- it’s ok to know that something is wrong and it’s ok to say that something is wrong. Friend, you are NOT broken, and you are NOT a failure. You are strong and brave and you can accomplish and have accomplished SO MUCH.
I know how it feels to lose hope frined- but I KNOW you have the power in you to forge through this. It’s not easy- but that’s what friends are for, that’s what we are for.
I have loved getting to know you better and see the true person you are- you are awesome.
My friend, you are not alone and you never will be. We love you, we are here no matter what.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling terrible, but I’m glad that you found refuge within HeartSupport. We’ll always be here to help you and support you.
Fear of the future is rational given the state that you’re in. Heck, that fear looms over my head too and I wouldn’t be surprised if it looms over the head of most people. Like, I’ll be proud of myself of making it this far, but then I’ll worry about how far I’ll make it. This is irrational/unproductive worry, because no one can control the future; we can only control one day at a time. Be proud of yourself that you made it another day, and set a goal for yourself to make it another. Then another. Take it one day at a time.
I recently came across a speech that someone was giving regarding the difference between having something and speaking it over yourself. For example, saying “I have depression” and “I am depressed.” In other words, proclaiming your struggles versus drilling the effects of the struggles into your mind. One is less harmful than the other. You have a few cracks, but that doesn’t make you broken; you might’ve failed but that doesn’t make you a failure. It’s so important to speak words of life over yourself.
I’m really glad that you’re about to see someone! Counseling is one of the best things I’ve ever done and I promise that it’ll work. You might need to bounce around a bit to find the right person that clicks for you, but it WILL work. They’ll provide you with the proper tools for you to work on yourself. Hold fast, we believe in you! You’re strong and you can do this!
@NomadicWanderer@Lyss@Kayla@Eric I just wanted to apologize that I haven’t been active on the HS wall after I posted what’s been going on in my life. It started to get a bit crazy with different commitments, as well as starting therapy and trying to deal with my emotions. I also wanted to extend my most sincere thank you, because those were some of the most difficult days I’ve had. Thank you so much for sharing your hearts and being vulnerable with me, whether it’s your experiences with mental illness, having a job, or counselling. Just thank you so much for all your support and encouragement. The truth is that I wouldn’t be here without you guys, and I’m not exaggerating. I’m doing my best to be active on HS again!