I’ve been super tired recently, and today was even worse because I needed to get up early to go to church with my family. Church was okay despite me trying to stay awake, and getting lunch after was a highlight. When I came home I just crashed in bed and fell asleep, makeup on and all. I woke up about half an hour ago. My back hurts and though I don’t feel as upset now, I kinda wanna write about a couple of thoughts I had about the dream.
I’ve forgotten most of the plot of the dream, except for how it ended because I guess that’s when I started to become conscious. In my dream, I was hanging out with my ex like we always used to. We were in the city, but irl places in my dream have a different feel to it. Kinda comforting, kinda ominous. We went to a cafe where we used to get gelato, and the sun started setting so we made our way back to the train station. We started getting into an argument, and I started letting out things like “you abandoned me”, “you left me behind”. But they didn’t care and I just left. Shortly after that, I woke up feeling gross but I feel much calmer now after some food and listening to something in the background.
In my sleep, I started to feel the exact way I used to feel during and immediately after the breakup. Like I was really desperate to try and make my ex understand how I felt and my perspective on what was going on, but they were just too focused on their new friends. I was worried that their friends were telling them different things that manipulated how they thought and felt, and I was just pushed behind. My ex has no idea how extremely hurtful this was, and I’ve become resentful of them and their friends.
My counselor called this “triangulation”, like it’s them vs me. My counselor also explained to me that during this experience I’ve been gaslit and I completely understand that now. It felt like I was trying to hard to push my truth and everyone was saying, actually that’s not the truth. Like I was scrambling and working so hard to pull myself out of quicksand. It feels like panic, paranoia, fear, and total sadness. Not only did I feel alone, but I also felt like my own truth was being distorted and my mind started believing that I am the problem. My ex and their friends painted that picture, that I was the “bad guy”, and that’s probably why my ex started to enjoy being with their friends more than me while I was left alone. Even now I still feel like it’s my fault and I was in the wrong. But all I did was react to situations and expressed how I felt. I can’t always be happy and avaliable, unlike their friends. My counselor also told me that it’s unfair, because my ex’s friends can just log off and come back as this super positive force. But because my ex lived with me at the time, they had to go through my live reactions. I still feel betrayed and angry about it, but I have to keep moving. I don’t want to be in that mindset or situation again. I don’t know if my ex understands this, considering they wanted me to be the one to suck up to them and basically beg for them to come back.
On a different note, I remember when I was younger, my parents would do something similar. I would say something happened, and they would say, that’s not what happened. Or I would be sad or angry, and they would get annoyed and say I shouldn’t be sad or angry. I just wish my family were more kind and supportive. Growing up, I could never stand up for myself and I’m only coming into terms that for most of my life, my feelings have been invalidated. It’s why I haven’t been able to openly tell them things, and why I’ve gotten used to hiding/lying. I just never felt safe enough to actually talk to them about myself, what I’m going through, who I really am etc. It’s a lot better now, but I don’t believe I’ll have a closer relationship with my parents because I’ve never been strong enough to defend myself when they talk down on me.
For a long time in my life I’ve always had negative thinking, I guess because I’ve internalized the way they talked to me. But this community has seriously made me feel human again, like despite of it all I can be kind and I don’t have to put out the same negativity that’s been given to me my whole life. Everytime I feel bad I just remember how much this place has helped me. I can reflect on things I could have done better in my relationship, but I’d rather move forward and bring this positive energy with me and the new opportunities and people I’ll meet.
I’ve been recharging for the past few weeks, I’ve just been feeling so burnt out! I lost the motivation to draw too, and I just spent most days in bed watching random YouTube videos (though I’ve been sketching ideas and chipping away at a digital painting lol). I’ve finally come to terms that my body needs good food and good sleep, and that’s something I want to work on after years of poor habits. But overall, I really think that things are getting better for me right now. I hung out with a friend for brunch and we talked about creative ideas we wanted to work on together which I’m excited about and I hope it blossoms into a bigger project that can involve my community. My last year of uni is starting soon too, and I’m just really enjoying my time off lol