I’m not sure why I’m still alive. I’ve nearly drank myself to death on several occasions, am now stuck with hospital bills I can never pay off, a collections agency is breathing down my neck and I’ve just been ignoring their efforts to get any payments… I don’t know why, I guess I’m scared. The only way out I ever actually think of is a bullet. I still drink way too much, it puts me to sleep so I don’t have to think. If I’m not at work, I’m passed out drunk, can’t find anything else to do. Feels like my heart stopped a long time ago, I’ve become an empty emotionless shell who can’t even cry anymore. Anyways, As I Lay Dying brought me here, not sure what this will accomplish but, why not?
I’m so sorry that life has brought you to this dark place. I’m so sorry to hear how you are hurting, but I am really proud of you for reaching out here. I hope that we can give you some hope and encouragement. You say that you don’t know why you are alive, that you drink so much that you should be dead, but you are here. My friend maybe that means there is a reason for you to be alive, to be here. I think there is. Life feels so dark and impossible right now but I promise you that it won’t stay that way. Death is never the answer. It will just prevent you from experiencing those really really good days that I believe are in your future. I know it might seem impossible right now, but I promise you that you can find help. Like the as I lay dying video said there’s hope for everyone. Don’t let this be the end of your story.
First and foremost, thank you so much for posting. This community is great and we are so glad to have you! I specifically wanted to reply to your post because of a couple things that I can relate to. First, I too use alcohol as a coping mechanism to life. Sometimes, that is the only thing I can find to just numb everything. Second, I have also in the past had a gun to my head, ready to pull the trigger. I thought, “wouldn’t it be easier to just put this bullet in my brain and end it”.
So here comes the part where I tell you not to friend. I know it all seems so cliche, but it will get better. I now have a wonderful family, with 2 beautiful kids. It’s not perfect bro, but I would rather be alive. I want you to get to that place as well man. I can tell you are a good person who is just going through some rough shit in life right now. I truly want to offer you my friendship, and just to get to know you. My name is Steel, and I have been apart of this community for about six months. It has helped me so much, and I hope it can do the same for you. If you ever need to talk. please contact me, my number is 505-515-8135! I really hope that we can change this negative time in your life to a positive my friend. Thank you for being so brave and posting, much love!
To clarify a bit… I’m not suicidal (at the moment, have been plenty of times) but the plan is always there. I drunkenly wrote that post… drunk again but willing to divulge a bit more info. The alcohol is obviously a huge problem but what concerns me the most is my lack of emotion. I feel nothing, as if my heart is stone. I just lost a good friend (as in this person now hates me for me, nothing worse) and I just don’t give a damn. I’ve done my share of failing friendships and losing potential life changing things, all without feeling a damn thing. Without exaggeration, you could honestly list me as the definition of emotionless. I’ve always been a more logical thinker, but now I fear that what’s left of me is shrouded by a robot… Unable to care, unable to see the difference between good and bad, unable to be a damn human being. I still try to be a pleasant person, that’s the only positive thing I’ll say about myself. I could be having the worst day of my life and I’ll still be polite and ask someone how their day is going and be friendly. Kinda feels like it ties into the robotic notion but I’ll always cling to it at least
And… thanks for the responses, I do appreciate it
The low rumbling sound of a train
In the distance, its blinding eye in the dark
Ready to swallow you whole
Left in pieces like my wounded soul
And here, back on those same tracks I stand again, being so much less
Now alone, holding nothing within, but this empire of loneliness
Then from the dark, a small glimmering light did appear
With the trembling wings of a butterfly, it shone a light into my night
A halo of a childish hope, reaching from somewhere, long since gone
I held my breath and it landed on my arm and asked:
“Is there still anything worth reaching for?”
And my heart said “no”
“Any light or goodness in you worth holding on to?”
And my heart said “no”
I closed my eyes, got on my weak knees and breathed in the dark glow
As her wings turned to ashes, from ashes to a black moth
I heard the sirens and screaming of the iron
And my heart still said “no”
Full disclaimer: I did not write that. Those lyrics belong to Swallow The Sun, my favorite band. And that’s only part of the song… Empires of Loneliness. Just thought I’d add that because holy sh*t does that pretty much summarize me
@Someguy36 Thanks so much for your vulnerability and for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this really dark time. I, too, have gone down the path of alcohol. I enjoyed feeling numb but ultimately my life got worse. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts from time to time, especially on the worst days when God’s presence feels so far away.
You are in a good place full of good people that truly do care about you! I know life may seem like too much right now but just try to keep going. I’m not saying that’s easy at all but we believe in you! You are incredibly valuable and you clearly have a good spirit that wants to reach out to others. That’s amazing!
Please have hope and continue to post here on the wall. You are loved and cared for! Stay strong my friend!