Dwelling on the past (relationships)

Delete this if not allowed, but I’ve been with my girlfriend for quite awhile now, a long time ago I found out she had sex with another guy (WHILE WE WERENT DATING) but she still talks to him cause he’s in a band she likes, I’ve met him before this but I can’t get it out of my fucking head. She said she doesn’t want to hear about it again and I know it was definitely not cheating but every time I am not around her it’s killing me and I don’t know why. Just the thought of her going to one of their shows and something happening. And I know I should trust her but I’ve been hurt a lot. She doesn’t even know this still eats me alive but it kills me sometimes and it’s affecting my mental health which is already bad enough to deal with. Any suggestions? Any help I would appreciate


Your fears are real to you, even if nothing ever happens, and that’s enough to make them important. The fact that she’s dismissive doesn’t really do much to assure you nothing will ever happen. There were several times in my past that my girlfriends actualized my worst gut feelings, as much as I tried to convince myself those things would never happen.

This is definitely a touchy subject, but also one that is not fair for either of you to ignore. You need to establish boundaries together, boundaries that you both agree on. For my wife and I, it was no alone time with sometime of the opposite gender. This covered meeting with exes. For each of us, it meant not hanging out with old FWBs alone, but we both felt that was a reasonable compromise we could make for the security of our relationship.

Maybe this guy is part of her past, and she thinks your fears are irrational. So be it. If he’s a part of her past and it’s really no big deal to her, she should have no problem setting reasonable boundaries you can both agree on. If she won’t take your concerns seriously and consider setting boundaries, or if she gets defensive when you bring it up, I’d say that’s a red flag that needs to be addressed.



In my first relationship after childhood, I was with someone who was not monogamists. It was a painful experience, but one with an important lesson for me, that I never forgot. I cannot control what others do, I can only control me.
I suggest you look inside yourself, and ask yourself, if you were her, how would YOU want Her to respond to You.
She is with you, which speaks volumes, about her feelings.
You can choose to harass her about this event, or you can choose to let it go. I recommend the latter. If you don’t trust her, then you should leave the relationship.
But this is about how to handle the fear. If you care for her, LOVE HER. Show her that you care, and how much she means to you. Your fears may be alleviated when she returns your love. Stay connected to her, and work to build that connection. Behave in a way that builds trust and connection, not in a way that destroys what you’ve got.
You mention being hurt, but I’m not clear if you are referring to this situation, or another. If there is ‘history’ between the two of you, regarding trust issues, then of course that changes things.
For what to do…you are “imagining” her being unfaithful. You’ve devoted enough time and energy into this idea that you’ve apparently bought into it, regardless of her reassurances.
You are imagining your way out of your relationship, that should give you plenty of pause. Nothing you’re thinking is real, yet you want to hold her accountable for your fears. It’s not right for her, and it’s not right for you.
Boundaries need to be observed for trust to occur and when trust and love is ‘given’ relationships flourish. Peace

It is different when she does not reassure, usually involves getting angry at me before I can speak any further and telling me not to speak about it again.

And I do not harass her, I try to talk about it politely but she’s used to her family trauma and yells at me, I do not want to control her I just want to know everything will be fine and maybe that the guy she had sex with shouldn’t be a part of our life. I don’t feel comfortable going to the guys shows who is also disrespectful to women. I should rephrase this a bit, I not only don’t trust her cause she is not reassuring me but I don’t trust the guy she sees frequently

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To trust her, she must reassure you she is faithful. If you trusted her, you wouldn’t need her reassurance. This will need to be resolved between the two of you.
Regardless of what you think of him, you care for her. Regardless of him, if she cares for you, she will be faithful.
Sorry, harass was not a great word choice. I’m not judging, I see both sides here.
I wish the two of you the best. Peace

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