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Emotional abuse?

I feel like I’m smart, but I feel as though I constantly allow myself to be abused because I love people and I love helping. The man that I’m with is very much a “broken” person as he would put it but he’s very mean to me when he feels upset, or sad. which is pretty often. I don’t want to abandon him, but at this point - I’m not sure if it’s because I’m in love, or because I’m afraid of what it would do to him. I just hate the sadness that he feels and the way he makes me feel bad - then he feels bad for making me feel bad and it’s just a terrible cycle. I don’t know what the point of posing this is… but its going on 6 years and I have never admitted this out loud. thanks for listening. :slight_smile:

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Wow! I broke up with my fiance of 3 years a year ago. God it’s been so rough, I’ve had so much guilt, and I’ve missed her so much, and what’s worse is I know her pain was and is magnitudes worse. I’ve been emotionally numb for most of it. Despite the pain, I believe leaving was the right thing and have rarely disagreed. I only wish I would have been more thoughtful on how to do it, and I wish I would have involved her in my decision and thoughts earlier. Hiding my thoughts and feelings for so long just let them all build up to an incredibly hurtful breakup. Don’t know your situation, and only you can make that decision, but I hope me sharing a little bit gives you some more perspective to think about. That’s such a tough place to be in. Therapy can work wonders if you have $ for it! Thanks for sharing this struggle of your journey

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I feel related to your partner. I used to be like him years ago in my first relationship.
Eventually the shame of being such a mean person to her drove me to the call of breaking up. I explained to her that i needed time to fix myself, to be a better person, someone she deserved.

Too bad for me she didn’t wait for me, she moved on very quickly and started dating another guy.

I was heartbroken, and was then when i went into my first strong depression that lasted for months. I’ve never been in a serious relationship since then.

Moving back to your problem, if you really want to help him take him to therapy, he might have some childhood experiences that make him the way he is. Introduce him to meditation. Idk what else tell you.

I hope everything works out for both you.

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Hi Koalafield,

I am just want to start off by saying I’m sorry you are going through this. You don’t deserve this. I just want to say in my opinion, whether you agree or not, but I do not believe it’s emotional abuse. I believe it’s him struggling with something that for some reason he doesn’t want to share with you. It’s great you want to help and important for him to share it with you, but sometimes people don’t want help which sucks. You can keep being with him and do your very best to help him, but I would recommend to be careful. There’s only so much we as people can do for others. Only they themselves can get help and do the actions to better themselves. You are a great person & don’t forget that!!! We need more people like you in this world so remember how special you are.

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I’ve tried mentioning therapy for the last 3 years and every time I do - he blows up at me and screams that it won’t work and nothing will ever change… because he tried therapy once or twice when he was a young child… I keep trying to explain that things change - he doesn’t agree and refuses to go. I am going to keep trying, hopefully it’ll be enough for him to eventually want to fix himself. Thank you for your input :heart:

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first off, thank you. you are also amazing and you made me feel like there isn’t something majorly wrong with me. :heart:

second, I do think you are right - he doesn’t want help but I just keep hoping that maybe one day… he will. I sometimes feel like I do too much for others, but it’s all I know how to do. So i’m going to keep trying.

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You can always break up with him.
You are not to blame for someone else’s behavior.
I know it sounds super easy but sometimes all it takes it’s to make up your mind.
In the best case scenario the rupture will make him reconsider what was wrong and he will become a better person from it but at the cost of losing you.

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You’re welcome
Of course there isn’t anything wrong with you I have been in your shoes in the past with my toxic ex. I wanted to help her so much because there was a lot wrong with her & I myself threw out the idea of therapy and I also got the same response you did. It really hurt me, but now we aren’t together anymore and she is NOT my responsibility anymore.

Yes we can always hope for the best. We have good hearts, so we want people who mean a lot to us to succeed. I know I want my ex to change and better herself, but only time will tell. You just hang in there!!

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Hey Koalafied,

I first want to say welcome, and we are so glad you are here. I’m so glad that you had the courage to reach out, because this is a really tough situation, but I want you to know that you are not alone, and that you are loved, and your story matters, and we are here to walk along side you through everything that is going on.

Reading your story breaks my heart, because unfortunately I relate to it so so much! I want to tell you to not blame yourself, I still struggle with it so much. You have to focus on you, and your mental health. And no matter how much he is struggling, doesn’t mean he has a right, or that you deserved to be emotional abused by him, that’s not okay. And believe me I shrugged my shoulders when people told me that too, because I always just said, oh I love him, he doesn’t mean it.

As far as my advice, I say that you should do what is best for you, and I can’t say oh you need to break up with him, but what I am saying is that what he is doing isn’t okay, and you don’t deserve to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. So maybe it would be best if you guys take a break for awhile, til you both can get to a better place, as it seems according to your comments he’s not willing to try therapy.

I just want you to know that you are loved, and you matter! If you need anything please please send me a dm here, and I’ll send you my contact information and we can chat more. You matter, and I’m praying for you my friend.

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,

Love Always,
Monkey

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I relate to this so much. My first love suffered from depression. I was with him for years, and found myself stuck because he was never happy, never wanted to go do things, didn’t really have a future for himself. He was stuck in the moment, and I tried constantly to make him happy. It was exhausting. Eventually, I left the relationship. But for the longest time, I was worried it would make him feel worse, and I was worried about him hurting himself. You can’t be responsible for what anyone else does. You have to focus on yourself and do whats best for yourself.

I don’t want to sound simplistic, but you need to get out of that relationship. Someone who loves does not repeatedly hurt you in any way.

I was in a 6 almost 7 year relationship myself where i was the bf that would get upset and emotionally abusive. She broke up with me and at first I was upset but I never spiraled. I pulled through just fine and I’m actually I’m in a better mental place now. When I was with her I didn’t realize how poorly I was organizing my priorities. And if I’m being honest I think the “love” died way before we broke up, I felt an obligation to her since I was with her for so long that I prioritized her over me and it stressed me out, i believe with love one is more capable of balancing their needs with their partners needs and that just wasn’t the case for us. We walked on eggshells around each other constantly dreading the next imminent argument. I started this post to tell you that as the guy on the other end. He will be fine, and so will you. If you feel like you have any obligation towards him I want you to know that you don’t, neither or you do. If you don’t think you can prioritize your own feelings being with him, take a step back find the right balance it doesn’t have to be with or without him but it has to work for you. In my case my time alone made me realize how destructive and abusive my behavior was and I’m eternally grateful for it.

I can relate to what you are saying a lot. I too was that person. Except, I moved on quickly. I wasn’t expecting to at all, but our breakup did something to me. It made me realize how my ex truly felt about me. Here I was with this shame of being a mean person and there my ex was despising every moment of our relationship. I still to this day will take all the blame but it does sadden me that he never once spoke about it with me until our breakup.

Anyways, I haven’t gone to therapy but I have tried to focus a lot of my attention towards becoming a better person and dealing with my feelings in healthier manners. My current bf has helped teach me that if I truly cherish something, then I should make the effort to care for it. My relationship and myself included. He has been very helpful towards my growth; but I have made a conscious effort too.

I really hope you find a serious relationship again, if that is what you want. Being single can be hard but it can also be fulfilling. I have taken my current relationship much much slower and am learning to find myself again! So best of wishes!

I don’t quite have advice for OP of how to handle the situation but it does sound like he needs to learn how to cherish himself and his relationships. Also, best of wishes! Sorry for not being of help

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