End of my Rope

HeartSupport Support
1

As the title suggests, I’m really not doing okay. It’s such a long story that would take an extensive amount of time to put a dent in. I have ADHD. Depression grew from that. Started in elementary. I still vividly remember sitting in my room with a pair of scissors to my chest and wanting nothing more than to have the courage to apply enough pressure to them to end my suffering.

I grew up in a large, EXTREMELY religious family. Put the two together and I’m sure you can guess what religion was forced down my throat and ultimately had a major role in ruining my life. Despite all of this and my PTSD that most call an upbringing, I graduated high school, got a good job as a mechanic, found love. After everything I had been through, I finally felt that I was making it. I worked so hard, despite everything, and earned everything I had.

So I bought a motorcycle. Not 3 months into riding, while on my way home from work, an individual decided that talking on her phone while driving was an acceptable reason to ignore a stop sign and t-bone me. Broke my dominant hand and got some lovely road rash. 2 hand surgeries later and I still don’t have full use of it, never will.

Depression, quite literally, got 100x worse. Understand that I’m the person you would never expect to be suffering in this way. In person, I’m the most up-beat, witty, humorous person you could hope to meet. Behind closed doors, it’s bad. I despise feeling this way and I don’t ever want to see anyone feel the way I do. Through my brand of humor, I feel like I genuinely make people laugh.

Anyway, after my motorcycle accident, things went downhill faster than I could comprehend. My girlfriend left me because I pushed her away as I didn’t want, and still don’t want, anyone to know what I’m going through. I refuse to be branded as the “attention seeker” or any of the various other cliches people are accused of due to their declining mental health. The biggest reason though, and this is where the different personalities come in, is I don’t want people to look at me differently. Now you can play the words “no one will look at you differently” through my ears for the rest of my life, the fact is, it’s not true. I’ve seen it. It’s not in a bad way but it’s noticeable. You watch what you say a little more, you act and behave just a little bit differently, I see all of it. And I do it too, and I hate that I do. I’m a damn hypocrite for it.

My ADHD sometimes sends me off in other directions, I apologize for that.

After my girlfriend left me, at my all-time lowest point, I started school. I was in physiotherapy for my hand 3x a week, which ended up not doing a damn thing for me. I was drinking A LOT. I was off work on injury leave and started school at their request. I was still in physiotherapy 3x a week and between that, my increasing drinking problem, girlfriend leaving, and other variables, it was quite literally impossible to focus on things like studying. I was crying myself to sleep every single night. I ended up failing the course by 2%. As a result, I was fired from my job, just another reason to live, gone. Words can’t describe the pain I was in.

When I talk about my depression, I’m not talking about feeling like “man my life sucks, why can’t I catch a break?” I’m talking about “what the fuck did I do wrong to deserve this?! I have absolutely zero interest in living and if it were easier, I’d be gone already!” I’ve never actually attempted it though. There has been multiple times I’ve been in my car with a bottle of whiskey and an array of pills I have acquired which would definitely end my suffering. I don’t leave things to chance. I wasn’t about to wake up groggy in some hospital. I knew what I was doing. And honestly I wish every damn day, that I would have grown a pair and done what I set out to do.

Anyone that says “I’m glad you didn’t, your family would be devastated!” Fuck my family. Every last individual that is a part of it, I absolutely fucking hate them. Anyone that mentions my friends…that one is easy, I don’t have any.

Look, I do not have a damn clue as to what I’m looking for on here or why I even made this account. Maybe there is a tiny bit of relief in telling others a bit of what I am going through in an anonymous manner?! And when I say a tiny bit…those events happened in 2014 to 2017. It’s gotten worse simce then.

No one in my life will ever see the demons behind my eyes. I’m on a couple different antidepressants and I have ADHD medication for when it gets bad. I gave up on that one though. I like the chaos it brings and how much I over think things to the point I can predict just about every possible outcome to a given situation.

After reading everything I just wrote, I should probably delete it. I’m not going to though. Felt good to type out. I even edited a couple parts to the exact truth. I’ve been lying to myself for so long I started to believe it.

I guess the point of it all is that I’m drowning. I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel and honestly, I don’t want to anymore. I just want it all to be over and I do not have a damn clue as to what to do. This life has nothing to offer me and I am finished with it. I have felt this way for years, the pills numb it but the thoughts are always there.

This is the tip of the iceberg. I’m 25 years old, ready and willing to die. I have no reason not to, yet I’m still here.

3 Likes
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I would like to talk with you. About your interests, about what you still like, about your favorite food, about your favoourite colors and all of this littles things which haven’t got interest. To know you. Because you seems to don’t know your capacities. To don’t know that you worth it. But your subconcsious knows. You have the possibility to improve your life, you can get a better job, blow off your toxic family, get friends (it’s easier than you think) and start to love yourself. You survived despite all the problems you’ve had, like the Elton John’s song and what you said, you’re still standing. Why? Because you are incredible. You know what love and being loved is.
Maybe you’re here to know that someone understand your feelings, maybe you want somebody to tell you that you’re not alone. And it’s fckng true. you are not alone. Here you can see those incredible invisible fighters. And you’re one of those. You’re a fckng fighter. Be proud of that.

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There’s always the possibility for my life to improve. Given my record so far, it is very unlikely that anything of the sort would actually happen. Doing the simplest of tasks takes a lot out of me. I do not enjoy things I used to anymore and I hate it. I am trying my best to drastically reduce my alcohol consumption. A lot of bad days. I put on a lot of weight because of the alcohol which only added to the self hatred. I rarely eat anymore.

I’d write more but my pills are starting to kick in. Thank you for the kind words

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Please stay.
I beg you to stay.
I would like to show you the beauty of my country.
But for this, you have to stay.
Please, stay

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By pills I meant sleeping pills. Sorry if that was taken another way. They’re anti-depressants with a side effect of causing drowsiness, helping me sleep. Without them, I get none. With them I’m usually good for 5 hours of sleep.

As I stated in my original post, I can’t do it myself, so everyday I just hope to get taken out in a tragic accident. Probably won’t happen though. I’ve already survived 2 bad vehicle accidents, neither of which were my fault.

I’m actually starting back at work tomorrow after being laid off due to this virus. I’m happy to be making money, but that’s a lot of stress I have to deal with. I’m in a weird spot right now with everything. I absolutely hate it.

I’m 25 and I still live with my severely strict parents. I finally convinced them that they can’t control me anymore. I moved out last year and then got fucked over by people who I thought were my friends. Put me in a terrible spot financially. I’m still recovering. Trying to anyways. I’m trying to save up to get my own place but it just doesn’t seem like an attainable goal with my luck. And don’t bullshit me with the “anything is possible” garbage, you won’t convince me.

Before you ask I work as a mechanic at a Ford Dealership in the city I live in. It’s stressful as hell.

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Then find a goal that you know you can achieve. Once you’ve reached it, find another one that’s a little bigger, and keep going until you reach the “unattainable”. It’s easier to make small goals but it can help you a lot.

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I’m glad you got some release from writing it all out honestly. I know that it can be hard to be honest about how we feel even to ourselves. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child myself and I absolutely HATED the medication so I don’t blame you at all for not taking it! I hope you find whatever it is you need to find life compelling again. I don’t know exactly what that is (looking myself) but I really hope you find it!

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Hey @John1,

Thank you for sharing and being here. I hope that sharing your story helped a little, at least at the moment you posted this. For what it’s worth, know that I’m glad you did. Thank you.

The biggest reason though, and this is where the different personalities come in, is I don’t want people to look at me differently. Now you can play the words “no one will look at you differently” through my ears for the rest of my life, the fact is, it’s not true. I’ve seen it. It’s not in a bad way but it’s noticeable. You watch what you say a little more, you act and behave just a little bit differently, I see all of it. And I do it too, and I hate that I do. I’m a damn hypocrite for it.

I understand that this is a huge struggle to overcome. And indeed, the limitations comes from you first, in this situation. I’m not accusing you or judging you at all. I only think that in face of what you are going through, also in face of others reactions, you still have a choice between self-isolation or to keep socializing. You don’t have to accept others reactions or ankwardness. You can say, respectully “I feel that I’m making you uncomfortable. Do you wanna talk about it?”. Most of the time, people are getting ankward because they don’t understand, because they don’t want to say or do something stupid/hurtful. But I want to believe that there is always a room to communicate. And when something is taboo, I think meta-communication can be welcomed. Some people will never be willing to even try to discuss, but some will be.

And what I’m saying here is something I observed in my life too. I have a cancer. And I saw how people in my life looked at me differently. You can only guess that I’m sick by actually knowing it, otherwise you could just think I’m very tired. But I saw this difference, even in the eyes of my partner, who actually rejected me at first for this reason. I lost my job too - for absurd reasons but the main idea is that I was making my employer uncomfortable. The only people who aren’t weird at all with me are doctors and nurses when I had interactions with them. But it makes sense too: they are used to see people who are sick all the time. They know how to look at someone beyond their disease. While our beloved ones or relatives are not used to that. They need some time to adapt their mind and behavior to the situation. I think it’s totally human and natural to have this kind of reaction at first. And that’s why it’s important to try to discuss about it, openly, so the person can be reassured - and you as well.

After my girlfriend left me, at my all-time lowest point, I started school. I was in physiotherapy for my hand 3x a week, which ended up not doing a damn thing for me. I was drinking A LOT. I was off work on injury leave and started school at their request. I was still in physiotherapy 3x a week and between that, my increasing drinking problem, girlfriend leaving, and other variables, it was quite literally impossible to focus on things like studying. I was crying myself to sleep every single night. I ended up failing the course by 2%. As a result, I was fired from my job, just another reason to live, gone. Words can’t describe the pain I was in.

I’m so sorry for all of this losses in your life. It’s tough. And long to process. There has been this turmoil in your life and, from an outsider perspective, you survived as you could. It’s not nothing.

When I talk about my depression, I’m not talking about feeling like “man my life sucks, why can’t I catch a break?” I’m talking about “what the fuck did I do wrong to deserve this?! I have absolutely zero interest in living and if it were easier, I’d be gone already!” I’ve never actually attempted it though. There has been multiple times I’ve been in my car with a bottle of whiskey and an array of pills I have acquired which would definitely end my suffering. I don’t leave things to chance. I wasn’t about to wake up groggy in some hospital. I knew what I was doing. And honestly I wish every damn day, that I would have grown a pair and done what I set out to do.

I hear you. Your pain. With all my heart. This question, this word: “what did I do to deserve all of this?” is something I asked myself repeatedly. And it hurts. When things are okay, you don’t question your life this way. But when everything seems to fall down, you can’t help wondering “why”. It’s certainly natural, it’s totally understandable, but it’s also very destructive. It’s hard to face the idea that life happens and, sometimes, we lose control of the things that are happening. It’s not fair. It just gives us the horrible energy to scream as loud as possible, you know? This energy, this anger from your guts. Use it for yourself, to stand up for yourself, for your life. I see you being strong, working, keeping on moving on. And I want to remind you that it’s okay to ask for some help. To actually be supported through all of this. I’m sorry you’ve been betrayed by your friends. Not everyone is like this though.

You didn’t lose everything either. There is, in the middle of this turmoil, a consistant element: you. You didn’t expect all of this to happen in your life. Just like you can’t know what the future holds. But you will need time to heal. To find some peace in your heart. Because what you’ve been through is, objectively, a lot. You will also need others for that - and I’m glad you’re here, on HeartSupport, as this community is a beautiful place for that.

No one in my life will ever see the demons behind my eyes. I’m on a couple different antidepressants and I have ADHD medication for when it gets bad. I gave up on that one though. I like the chaos it brings and how much I over think things to the point I can predict just about every possible outcome to a given situation.

I see you. And I’m not the only one here. We may be interacting online, it’s not less real. This is about your life, your story, you. It’s important and you matter. Regardless of the conclusions that you may have about yourself right now.

We don’t discuss medications here - just because no one is a doctor and this can turn into unwanted advices. But I want to ask: are antidepressants helping? Or do you think some adjustments should be made here, with your doctor?

Also, if you don’t mind me asking (no obligation to reply): is your medication coupled with a therapy? Because as much as medication helps, it’s not a solution in itself. And, for what it’s worth, we have some resources here on HS that could be useful, if you want to check on that. I’ll leave the links here, not pressuring you to use those resources right now. I’m not ignoring what you just said. But know that you can use this anytime, for yourself.

https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/master-list-next-steps-for-your-mental-health/14240

Take care. If you’re okay with that, try to keep us up to speed on what’s going on for you. I hope you stay safe. Hope you take care of yourself, as much as possible - especially during this covid situation.

You matter. Your life is not wasted. Despite all these hardships you’ve been facing. You are not defined by those. You are more than this. And you can give yourself the chance to see it, to experience it again. A storm happens. You’re still in the middle of it. But you can make it through. And if you have to repeat and shout to others that it’s not fair, then so be it. I understand that with all my heart. And we, as a community here, won’t give up on you because of that. Hang in there, friend.

1 Like
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I know all my goals. The problem is that none of them are attainable. I’ve tried and tried and everytime I believe I can do it…more bad shit happens and puts me further behind. It’s 1 step forward and 3 back. Every fuckin time.

I’m a realist. Small goals are useless. All they do is waste time while trying to achieve main goals. I have no use for them. Not trying to be rude, just understood in some way or another.

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I’ve never cared about what people think of me. I tell myself that but the narcissistic side of me says very much the opposite. I like making people feel good. No one should have to feel the way I do. The problem is I don’t know what image of me is actually me. Most of the time I’m definitely a sarcastic dick. I’m smart as hell and I use sophisticated humor and sarcasm to put up a wall of strength. Like nothing can phase me. Internally, I’m a fuckin mess. I laugh off everything like it doesn’t hurt. It’s good and bad. When someone comes at me with sarcasm or insults, the last thing they expect is for me to agree with them. The baffled look on their faces is amusing to me. The bad side to this is no one ever takes me seriously. I have to yell at people to actually get their attention, I hate it, but I also understand and accept it.

I enjoy uncomfortable situations. Usually I create them. It’s amusing. I’m a dark person. I would never confront someone. I have no intention of ever telling anyone in my life what I’m going through so that situation would never come up.

Socializing with people I know isn’t a problem for me. Meeting new people is an issue for me. I don’t know how to act or behave. Until I have a good read on them, I typically just stay away. And the way my mind works, I can get a read on someone pretty fast usually. You wouldn’t believe how quickly I process information.

It sucks that you have cancer. No one close to me has ever had to deal with it. A lot of grim situations I’ve never been exposed to and wouldn’t know how to react, or if I would at all. It’s just overall numbness that I feel. I like it. An emotionless exterior.

As for the losses in my own life… I honestly blame that motorcycle accident for everything that’s happened to me. In one way or another, it all traces back to that. I can’t move past that. Just looking back at what I had before that accident and where I am at now… I fuckin hate it. I despise it. Everything was starting to fall into place. Not by chance either. I worked my ass off for every little thing I had. And then it was taken from me. And all I could do was helplessly watch as it was. It annoys the hell out of me just thinking about it.

The only person I’ve ever asked for help from is my doctor. And I can’t even put into words how difficult that was. I couldn’t even start with the depression for quite some time. I told him about my anxiety and ADHD. Looking back, I’m sure he knew and didn’t want to push me. Finally I told him and am now currently on a very high dose of 2 different anti-depressants. Although my ADHD is still very much a thing, it’s a bit more manageable with a different state of mind. The suicidal thoughts will never go away until I finally give in, but I have just accepted that as a part of my every day life. In a twisted way it helps. It calms me down thinking about how nice it would be to die.

I believe the anti-depressants I’m on are helping. My thoughts are a lot less dark and they’ve numbed most of my emotional pain. I don’t see a therapist as I’m actually afraid to. I feel like if it does not work, there’s nothing else for me to try. On top of that, therapists here are not cheap. And I’ve been lying to myself for so long I don’t even know if I would be capable of telling the truth. I don’t want to appear weak.

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Weird story with that. I was a terrible kid in school. I acted out when I was bored, and I was always bored. I’ve been suspended 30+ times. My parents brought me to this experimental testing place that determines whether or not I have ADHD. They were mailed the results. I still remember clear as day when it came in the mail. I held it up to the light and read just about all of it. I was diagnosed with severe ADHD and Dysthymia. My parents took me to the doctors, got the medications required to help and that was last I ever saw of them. They refused to have me take them because “god would help me” I think back to that day a lot and what my life could’ve been, had I taken the medications to relieve my depression at a young age. Their religious rules and severely strict parenting left me scarred in a very big way.