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Everything about me is fake. I am a lie

Every person I’m friends with, I just take from them. Their personality, favorite things, the way they talk and dress. I’m wanting to try out for a sport I rarely played, buy streetwear, learn a new language and move to a new city because of an internet friend. It’s like I want to be them or just idolize them. This is just a current example.

For instance I’m wanting to throw out and block an irl friend of mine solely because their now in a relationship and their getting attention from teachers (The both of us are some of the only open gay/bi guys at school and their being asked to do GSA stuff and not me)

I tell little lies. I say I watched this show or have been to this place while talking to someone because I feel that they won’t need me if I can’t entertain their presence. That they’ll leave if I can’t relate or talk to them. This is common for me.

I get rushes of energy where I feel unstoppable. I’m not able to focus on anything throughout the day and at night I may have racing thoughts and go exercise. This past weekend I did not sleep at all due to this. However, I still felt fine all day.

I get angry that someone hasn’t responded to me or hangs out with others it makes me feel insignificant.

I may disassociate around my friends and close myself off or I’ll tell my small lies to keep them entertained.

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where I stand. I’m so fucking tired of being this person.

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Hi @OMAMfan

You and I have a lot of similarities.

I have a very distorted sense of identity. I have a different personality for each person in my life. I can be whoever you want me to be and also take on mannerism’s like speech. I had a little whistle when I pronounced my S’s for awhile because I was watching someone on youtube that did it. I didn’t even realize till someone asked why I was doing it. I will do whatever I have to so you won’t abandon me.

I do what is called splitting which is when someone hurts me I just want to rid them and everything about them out of my life. Block, unfollow etc even their friends.

If someone doesn’t text me back or answer a DM I think they hate me and I get triggered and things can get crazy. I feel like I’m being abandoned if someone I love has friends besides me.

Also, my ups and downs happen all thru out the day and are sever. Sometimes they last a couple days.

I know what you’re going thru. These are all traits or symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I’m not diagnosing you, but I see a lot of my symptoms in your post. All of it actually.

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Thank you. What should I do about it? My next therapist appointment is in a couple of weeks and my last session I mentioned Bipolar to her but not BPD. Also I’m 17 (turning 18 in a few months) but I know that only adults can be diagnosed with BPD. Any advice?

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Hi OMAMfan
First of all thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and for your trust. I appreciate it. :slightly_smiling_face:

What you describe here is to a certain extent “normal”. People do this all the time. It is in our nature to take things like that from others and in return they take things from us like the way we talk and such. We do it subconsciously. Most people dont even notice that they do it. So dont think that you are weird because you do this. Honestly good job fo noticing. :wink:

Yes I know this. When we try to make somebody like us we want to impress them even if some of the things we say might not be true. My friend does it sometimes and trust me it is quite common for people. Trying to make friends and trying to like the things they like and make up some things ybout you that are not true… it is more common than you think. I am not saying it is good to do these things but it is not something that makes you a sociopath or something like that. Far from it.

This is actually quite concerning. You might suffer from bipolar disorder. Have you ever told anyone about this, like your doctor for example?

Again not that uncommon. Not healthy to do but not uncommon.

I would try to seek some kind of help. Maybe a psychiatrist or a therapist. Those problems you have are not uncommon and are fairly harmless on their own but together they might be symptoms of some bigger issue like BPD or Bipolar. Try to seek a specialist and tell them what has been bugging you. They can help you. It might be nothing or they might find some sort of an issue. I hope this helped you at least a little. :wink:

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Often times BPD is misdiagnosed as bipolar and you can have both bipolar and BPD. The difference between them is that with BPD your moods can change from one extreme to the other in one day. Bipolar you can be manic or depressed for more than a couple days, sometimes for weeks. When I’m manic for a couple hours I feel exactly like you described.

All the other things you talked about can be however BPD traits. You have to have 5 traits out of the 9 in order to be diagnosed. Someone can have BPD traits and not actually have BPD, so it’s important to get a proper diagnoses.

This is a pretty complex disorder and there are a lot symptoms to it. This is a list of the 9 traits. Watch the video after and if you can see how you feel after. If you feel this is something you should look at, bring it up to your doctor.

  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
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This one talks about the identity thing, because it’s hard to explain.

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