Every person I’m friends with, I just take from them. Their personality, favorite things, the way they talk and dress. I’m wanting to try out for a sport I rarely played, buy streetwear, learn a new language and move to a new city because of an internet friend. It’s like I want to be them or just idolize them. This is just a current example.
For instance I’m wanting to throw out and block an irl friend of mine solely because their now in a relationship and their getting attention from teachers (The both of us are some of the only open gay/bi guys at school and their being asked to do GSA stuff and not me)
I tell little lies. I say I watched this show or have been to this place while talking to someone because I feel that they won’t need me if I can’t entertain their presence. That they’ll leave if I can’t relate or talk to them. This is common for me.
I get rushes of energy where I feel unstoppable. I’m not able to focus on anything throughout the day and at night I may have racing thoughts and go exercise. This past weekend I did not sleep at all due to this. However, I still felt fine all day.
I get angry that someone hasn’t responded to me or hangs out with others it makes me feel insignificant.
I may disassociate around my friends and close myself off or I’ll tell my small lies to keep them entertained.
I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where I stand. I’m so fucking tired of being this person.