it’s so hard not to relapse, i’m over a year clean from self harm but it’s so difficult to keep up lately. i genuinely do not know how much longer i can resist.
nothing has been going my way, really. the relationship with my mom feels like it’s deteriorating again. she’s so emotionally unavailable almost all of the time and today she admitted to not having been a mother to me, but guess what! she doesn’t care enough to actually do anything about it, like with everything else. she never cares enough to change her behaviour, even though she knows how shit she’s being. and some days i dont even know if i have a mother at all anymore or if she’s just someone i’m forced to live with.
my friends bicker a lot, purely as a joke and they love each other but on some days i just cannot handle it. it triggers me so badly because of stuff in the past. today is one of those days.
and my eating disorder is getting worse too.
I’m struggling so much today and all that i want to is cry. but i can’t, no matter how hard i try to. i just cannot cry anymore.
Hi Friend, Its really awesome that you’ve gone a year without self harming, I’m so happy for you. That’s wonderful! I realized something not too long about about my father. When I was growing up he was very sarcastic, neglectful and emotionally abusive (sometimes physical). He’s part of the reason I have borderline personality disorder and suffer. I’m almost 55 and have tried most of my life to have a relationship with him and it never works. I’ve had to lower my expectations and realize that he isn’t going to be any different then when I was growing up. He hasn’t gotten therapy and worked on himself like I have. For some reason, I had it in my head that he would change along with me, but that wasn’t reality. I hope that someday, your mother will get help and work on herself, like you’re doing. ~Mystrose
being a year clean is an incredible accomplishment. regardless of any current temptations, please know i am proud of you for the progress you’ve made. and the fact that you are acknowledging the temptations to relapse shows the strength and progress you’ve worked so hard on. it breaks my heart to read everything you’re going through and feeling. are there hobbies or interests that you can lean on to decompress after these overwhelming days? like watching a comforting movie while you let your body relax? sometimes it’s that self-care time that can make the biggest impact.
this is gonna sound weird but i do hope you can allow yourself to cry in the near future. holding it in, through countless traumatic or overwhelming events, can only do more damage than good. trust me, my school counselor used to scold me for not allowing myself to cry for months for the illusion of “being strong” but it felt so good to just cry and let those emotions out eventually. i hope you can feel that same release, my friend. sending you love and comfort always.
Hi Friend, thank you for posting firstly wow over a year is incredible, congratulations you should be so very proud of yourself. I am so sorry you do not have the relationship you would like with your mum, unfortunately even though we are connected by dna that does not automatically mean that we are going to have a great relationship or friendship with our family and that is no fault of yours, parents should take the reigns in that and make the effort to build the relationship but sadly not all do but try to look at it as a strength builder rather thank something that knocks you down, You have just been clean for over a year without that, how amazing is that, how strong are you. Just think what more you can accomplish in your life. In those moments when you feel sad, please think about what you can do because I think the world is your oyster and it will show everyone that you are a wonderful human being. Much Love x
I don’t have lots of words to share tonight as this hits close to home – mind may be clear another time --, but I wanted to express at least how proud I am of you right now. For being here. For reaching out. For trying, being brave, thriving. The efforts you’ve put into your recovery are not vain, and the relationship with your mom doesn’t have to break this down. You are strong. You are capable. You are loved and we all believe in you here. <3
Oh my friend, over a year clean is huge! Please take the time to acknowledge how big a deal that is. The fact that you have done that much work in your own life is great. I’m sorry that your relationship with your mom isn’t what it should be. It really is difficult to understand when a parent doesn’t have the care and love that we need. When expectations and reality aren’t even close, it really does hurt. The one thing I learned from having a mom who couldn’t connect with me was that I could choose to make healthier relationships with other people. I could choose to be available to those who I want in my life. I know it’s hard and I hope you take care of you as you navigate your relationship with your mom. And I hope you can find the tears again one day soon. You are so valuable and loved here. Please let us know how you are doing.
Hey, that’s a huge milestone for you! You’ve went over a year, and that’s amazing. I know your position is hard. I am currently in the exact same boat-- but with a different family member. At times like these, a distraction of some kind may help. I love myself to draw, write, or even just watch a youtube video/listen to music I find comforting.
Unfortunately, as my therapist has put it, “we’re only in control of our own thoughts/actions”. It sucks, and I don’t have the full extent of what you’re going through-- but is it possible for you to sit down with her and do things together? Like watch a movie or do a craft together? I’ve had others that have had a similar experience, and it has helped for them. Like Rosie, my family shys away from therapy. Some believe they don’t have a problem. And looking on the outside, like others, we can realize something is off. If she’s still not changing in that aspect, it’s not you that’s at fault. It’s something internal with her.
With your friends, I would talk to them about how you feel. I’ve been through that too, and I find that it is really hard to resolve conflict. My therapist and I have talked about conflict resolution, and there are a lot of resources to help organize your thoughts and relieve the stress of having that conversation. Your thoughts and feelings in any kind of relationship, even platonic and familial matter. You yourself need to come first.
My therapist always tells me it’s okay to cry if you can. It’s a great coping mechanism. Feelings are overwhelming and stressful, and we need to get them out and overcome them.
If you need any kind of resources about conflict resolution, I can grab you links to the ones she provided for me.
Hang in there, I’m so proud of you for overcoming what you have so far. We’ll be here to have your back every step of the way.