From ᑕᒪΛY | クレイ: Everything started since my gf broke up with me in november 2021. After that we still were friends but october 2022 we had a huge controversy were she told me about her problems. She never talked about that with me so i tried everything to help her but she started to hate me more and more each time i asked her how i could help. I miss her very much. I see her in my school in class but the problem is that she reports me at a teacher. We didnt talk to each other since 6 months and its horrible. it feels like hell, were ever i am.

Since 1 year (or since the broke up) i have suicidal thoughts and its getting worse and worse each day. Since 3 weeks im dreaming about my ex gf every night and i mean every night. I stoped sleeping but it didnt help me. In the holidays (2 weeks) i slept each 3rd night for round about 2-3h. I cant get rid of these thoughts to kill my self. Its like an appointment but i dont know when the day is. I can feel that the day is getting closer and closer. I even have no motivation to harm my self cuz it will change nothing. In my opinion i need to die to end all this. I just need someone to talk, ask for a hug and get one. I want to be loved and be important for someone. I can’t live anymore without this person. I’m not alone, but i feel very lonely. I’m afraid to talk about that with my friends because they are either sexists because of the masculinity shit in the social media rn or they can’t explain how to handle these thoughts. I just want to see my ex gf again because she was the only one who would care about me. Her voice and personality were soft and everytime i saw or heared her i fell like im in my right home. My heart hurts so much, I’m sweating the entire day, my brain is overheated because the suicidal thoughts are like a permanent process. I wish there were someone who would give me a lovefull hug. Pls help me im tired of being in the dying process. I just want to die completely.

PS Sry my english is not that good

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From homie: Hi. I’m really sorry to hear what ails you. But I think a majority of us all have suicidal thoughts. You never know when somebody’s going to commit suicide, when they always seem so happy. You may never get to say goodbye. I’m also sorry to hear about your ex-girlfriend, and how she gets mad at you, and hates you more and more each time you try to help. I think, maybe you should do some more positive things. Like, for instance, go over to your friends house. If, you do, get motivation to harm yourself, please, dont. It has no reason, and will just make you bleed and hurt. Maybe even feel good. But, things that make you feel good are sometimes not good. For example, self harm. It could make you feel better, but honestly, it gives you multiple scars, makes you even more suicidal, and could even give you motivation to just…end your pain. There are so many people who love you, online, offline, irl, etc. You are an amazing human being, who got the chance to live because you deserved it. I hope you’re doing well. We all love you! STAY POSITIVE! YOU CAN DO ITTT!
Love, homie :heart:

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From ᑕᒪΛY | クレイ: thank you for all these kind words. :heart:
the problem with doing positiv things is, that i never get that back, like, i never get good karma. I help so many people in school but some of them are not grateful to me. To harm my self is a great distraction for me. I have to think how to hide my scars and how to handle the pain. That fills my head with other thought for a couple of days. I understand your point and i will try to find other things. And honestly I actually doesnt deserve to live. I hurt that one person i loved and still love so much, i got a new friend, a girl, and she in the beginning she wanted to help me but now im just annoying her. I told so many times that i dont feel good and need some kind words but she ignores my messages. When i talk to her in rl she says that im just acting “depressed” and im actually a little bit stressed because of school. I dont know how to stay positive. I dont feel good. My Body hurts. Once i had this situation but just one day. This time its like 3 weeks. I can even feel the pain in my heart also in my jaw and teeth (i know it sounds weird). Again, thank you for all these positive words and thank you for taking your time and writing this letter for me :heart:
i will try to not disappoint you

From ᑕᒪΛY | クレイ: Heyy, thank you for your help and sharing your experience :heart:

The point is, i dont know how to end a story. Its hard to give somebody, i love so much, up. I never had a person like that before. My parents and me had a bad rela from beginning. I never had i time were i loved my parents and i grew up like that and that was normal for me my entire life. Then this girl came into my life. I started to love her before i saw her face. It was durring corona were she worn a mask over the entire day. She invited me to eat something and this was the first time i saw her face, and again, after i started to love her so much. Later we came together. There is something missing in my life. I cant feel the love and warmth of other people because i got never raised for that. It was a very very special experience and feeling for me to get loved and also feel the love. This will never happen again. I mean, the story i told you and my wishes are so rare and abnormal. Its just impossible that i find someone who loves me again and/or like my ex gf before. I ant wait anymore. And yes, only time can tell but idk what happens when my ||suicide|| thoughts win against my consciousness. Its also kinda hard for me to talk to people. Im actually a guy who can tell and explain his feelings and thoughts very well but all my friends and people tell me that im annyoing or just broken and there is no hope to help me. Sadly all my friends (boys) turned into toxic ||assholes|| cuz the whole toxic masculinity stuff on the internet. I just need new friends and people who listen to me but i dont know how to find them and keep them as my friends.

Anyways, thank you for your support. I will try to not disappoint you. :heart: