For context, I’m 17 years old, I’m going to be 18 in April. I’ve lived with anxiety and depression for a long time, and the things I have dealt with are far more… “excessive” than those who do not struggle with such things. I grew up in a Christian home. I grew up believing that if you do Z you go to heaven, if you do Y you go to hell.

After my grandmother passed, I truly started to dig deeper into what I believed in instead of blindly putting my faith into something I was raised on. I began questioning things. This led me down a rabbit hole where I am today.

Now, I do not follow the Christian religion. However, I struggle with the idea of being alive to die with nothing after. It seems… cruel. Do we really exist simply for the sake of existing? I feel like human sentience is a curse if we are truly born into a world of no God or higher being. Why do we exist if there is no true purpose? Why do we exist if we are only to die?

I’ve posted many times about my faith being doubtful, and I’ve got helpful responses. But I still struggle with it. I don’t have any interest in going back to Christianity, but I also want to explore new ways of belief. I don’t want to follow a major religion, but instead decide for myself what I believe is true.

My only issue with this is that I have those what if thoughts. What if the Christian God is real, and I burn in hell for not believing him? Or, alternatively, what if I get high hopes for going to heaven, and instead I just… die into blackness.

You may ask yourself, “Why are you so worried about death if you’re so young”. My answer is that one day I will die, and I want to be confident in knowing that I am comfortable passing away. My fear of death keeps me awake at night, and I have lost a significant amount of sleep due to this fear.

Right now, I am hopeful that humanity will develop a life extention technology that will allow me to live life longer and decide if I’m ready to meet the face of God or the empty pit of darkness that awaits after death.

I really needed to vent, and I want to hear what you think. Thank you



From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hi Friend
Thanks for the post although it made me sad for you as it does for anyone when I see them struggle with this type of thing and believe me many people fear the very same thing. There are always two very important things that I say to anyone that have a belief in a higher power whatever religion that comes from and they are 1. If there is this God, this Supreme being, this pure love why would he ever want you to be anywhere but in a place of love and serenity after you have passed from here even if you have had moments of struggle with choices of churches to pray in, no God would put you in a pit of darkness, which brings me to no 2, Your God would also never want you to spend your life living in fear of what could happen when you die. I know from past posts that you fears have derived from the death of your grandmother and it seems that this has had a profound effect on you that you could really do with talking to someone about, all these other fears in my opinion are branching off from the grief. I know I have suggested before that I think you should see someone about grief counselling and my opinion is stronger and not changed, I think it would be amazingly helpful to you. I would love to see you have that support so you can start to move forward and not have all this holding you back. You are so young and deserve to be living a much happier and carefree life. Much Love Lisa.x

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Hi @HalloweenMaskMaker You are asking questions that have been asked since time began. I would suggest some type of grief counseling because it sounds like you’re having a pretty rough time. I hope you find peace. ~Mystrose


From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello again, HMM! Still worrying about this I see. I remember suggesting some things for you to watch (Torchwood and The Invention of Lying). Did you watch them? If not I hope you will.

The way I view religion and God is that whether or not he exists or a god exists doesn’t matter for the determination of Heaven/Hell. I know that the Christian faith (I was raised in it as well) says that if you believe in God you go to Heaven but that makes so little sense that I honestly cannot believe it is the truth. If God really cared that much about people knowing he exists he would make it obvious that he exists so there would be no doubt. If all it takes to go to Heaven is believing in Him then some of the most horrific people would go to Heaven and some of the best of humanity would go to Hell. That just doesn’t make any sense to me and I refuse to believe that’s how any God who is supposedly forgiving and benevolent the way Christians like to see him would allow that to happen.
I believe that if there is a God and a Heaven and Hell that the determining factor for which you go to would be entirely based on the kind of person we are and the impact we make on society and those around us. I’m not saying you have to be some amazing an influential person to go to Heaven but I believe the small things we can choose to do throughout the day and our lives that make a positive impact on the world rather than a negative one are the things that put us that much closer to Heaven. Regardless of if there is a Heaven every little bit of positivity we put into the world and every little bit of negativity we help remove is making our world that much brighter and better. Regardless of if there is a Heaven we can make the world a better place to live in and isn’t that something that is worth working towards and worth living for?
I believe that our purpose isn’t to strive to be good enough for some unknown afterlife but to try and make things better for the billions of people that will exist after we are gone. That is our legacy. Every person whose life we can make a tiny bit better will spread that positivity and love to others and we can create ripples that spread and grow to affect everyone else. And if you can plant yourself in someone’s mind and memory and make some kind of impact on the world that you will be remembered and in that way you can live on forever.

I could go on about this for a long time. I have a lot of thoughts on this matter but I’m making my SWAT group wait while I type this essay. If you would like to hear more or discuss this more in depth I would be happy to do so but for now I think I’ll leave it at that.

Heaven and Hell don’t matter. God/god doesn’t matter. Making a positive difference on the world is what matters and I will die on that hill of belief. Let yourself live, HMM, and let the world shine a little brighter with you in it :hrtlegolove:


Do you have any recommendations for grief counseling? I suppose I haven’t taken into consideration the impact of her death. I felt awful for two months, but ever since then it has not been a thing of me feeling like breaking down and crying about it. Which, in my mind, feels like I am not grieving anymore. It could just be society’s perception of grief, but it is not something I understand very well at all. I miss her, and maybe her death left a bigger impact on me than I think it did.

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Do you have any recommendations for grief counseling? I left a reply to Rosie going more in depth about my feelings and what was bothering me about grief in particular.

As we dont know where you are, the best thing to do is to visit your gp or look online in your local area for Grief councellors, if you have a health centre near you etc. I am sure if you were to ask at your Doctors surgery they would have knowledge or at least a phone number that would get you the information you need. I think that the reason you feel like you are not grieving is because you are fixating on other things, but all you are doing is shifting the weight of the problem from one hand to the other so to speak, the weight isnt getting any ligther you are just moving it around. Its hard to move forward when you are carrying a heavy weight isnt it? the only way to rid yourself of it is to unload it. I would love to see you do that and move on, It took me a long time myself to get over the death of my own grandmother and there is nothing wrong with that but there comes a time in everyones life when they need a little help and maybe this is your time. Good luck my friend. xx

Hi, let me start off by saying it’s good you questioned. Questioning is the healthy decision
What you’re experiencing is the leftover indoctrination giving you anxiety. That sort of mind brainwashing of fear is what they use to make you go back into it. Don’t give into the fear, and don’t rejoin religion because of it. You already know the answer, but there is more to it than that. Because of the imprint of your indoctrination, you still think that without a God you have nothing, and that life isn’t capable of living in its own way and having its own soul without needing a god. Yes people can be pretty bad out there, but teaching about awareness and the what the world needs to get healthier to others, is better than rambling on nonsense verses that don’t help anyone. For example, the Athiest Humanitarism movement is really good about this. You start to learn the world doesn’t need a god to do good, you were just taught that. If anything the centries of religion have caused all of this chaos, and we are just now learning how to get passed it and fix it. All because of a book, people fought over it and usually now if the practice doesn’t agree with a page in the book they will remove it and call it the same thing when it was tailored to get with the new ways of society.

When it comes to death, you start to focus less on what there is in life. If you focus more on life, maybe you’ll find that the answer for death actually doesn’t matter. Again, you believe you have no purpose because you were brainwashed to beleive you need a god to have purpose when you do not. All you need is yourself, self love, and finding meaning in the things around you. Discovering more about yourself and the inner mind may help, there’s alot more to life than just the physical.

You don’t have to go back into Christianity, you don’t even have to go back into religion for that matter. You already answered your own question here “Decide for myself what I beleive is true” decide for you. Not for your fear, not for other peoples persuasion and indoctrination, do it for you. This is literally all you need, you don’t need religion and you don’t need a book that answers all your questions with half assed replies and hatred and lies. Choose your own path, study philosophy. Most religious groups do not even bother teaching their followers about philosophy, which is the main interaction with their whole religion. You shouldn’t ever enter something without prior study, everything requires questioning and skepticism. That’s how we develop and evolve as humans.

Used to be afraid of “what if I go to hell for not beleiving in god” and really, that is the traumatic experience of brainwashing in a religion no one wants to admit. Religion is meant only for specific personal beleifs for control, fear, hatred sexism, phobias, there is nothing good to come of it, it is not even a healthy movement. I talked about this earlier today but they do alot of harm without realizing it. Religious people like to go all over the world saying they’re “saving people” but really you’re tainting innocent lives who don’t know what the world is like yet, all for your own gain of “spreading the word of God” which creates confusion, and anger, and these people start tearing their societies apart because someone said “you can’t do X or Y or you’ll burn” and foreign countries like this don’t know anything else, so they throw these people into pits and bury them, and with teaching about acts of s*x, instead of teaching the nature of dangerous diseases, they just say it’s “impure” and these people get curious from that and explore it instead. They’re not helping anyone. It’s the same throught the course of religious history. Their path has never helped others but themselves and their own personal beleifs. It’s a practice made only to people who want to conform. And if you want to confirm from fear, then take that path, but it’s not healthy for you either. The point is you have subconsciously been put through this fear mongering for years, and now you fear death because you think that if a god exists its going to narrsassistically throw you in hell because it wants you to worship it. Does that make any sense to you?

You can defiently beleive in a God, alot of people nowadays are beleiving god to not be some humanity tied being, but a unknown entity that lives within us all. We are all capable of being our own God. Because we are all connected. You could see it that way to if you want, but in the end. You need to know that you create your own reality, and not to let someone create it for you because your doubt is letting your gaurd down. Do what makes you feel fuffiled and don’t be scared by a sick white lie that was made to unconsciously eat away at you unless you follow it. Break free from that way of thought and let yourself be free. You are capable of your own freedom, your own peace, your own power, and you own will, and you don’t need a god or a book to do any of those things for yourself. Leaving religion is like learning to be an independent adult. Learning to live by your own rules, but also to live responsibly for the sake of yourself and others. We all have to become independent someday.

In the end the answers to your questions are only going to be answered by yourself, and that’s okay. Death comes eventually, no matter how scary it might seem, but some people believe death never comes, that death is only a physical thing, you continue to live on in soul and move to a next step, death is only tied to the physical, so it is not something to be feared. The key is to just live your life to it’s fullest, and you will fear death less. Maybe the fear of death is tied to your art? There are two of you on this forum who sculpts masks, I think yours is the one where you have been worried about how good it is? How about changing it a bit, giving life in your art a go? Maybe the twist into life will help? Though I get it may be a bit more boring lol, but maybe it describes those fears you have. I have another idea as well, do you go to art therapy? If you do, I’d suggest bringing it up with them, draw out life, and draw out death, ask them their ideas, and pick in the end which you decide would be a healthier decision.

I hope you know what you’re experiencing is simply fear, from a place that was made soley to make you afraid so they can control you, and you shouldn’t be afraid of a higher power, because it was the people who wanted to control you humans like that are dumb, and that’s how you see in between the lines. Stand up to those deeply indoctrinated fears and fight them. You’re your own human now, you’re free, and you don’t have to be afraid anymore.


Sure! You can use BetterHelp and get 7 days of therapy for free. You can start there and see where that goes. You can usually find grief support groups in your city as well. My boyfriend and his mother joined one after his father passed away and it was very helpful. ~Rosie

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