Thank you for taking the time to clarify more what you meant, @Mystrose. It definitely helps to have a better understanding of how things are for you.
I’m sorry you struggle with amnesia due to dissociating. Though I can assure you that there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed for, because that is not something in your control. There is no responsibility to hold on that matter. It is just your mind trying to protect you, even though I imagine that it can be scary to realize/see things you’ve said without necessarily remembering it. It’s just not pleasant to feel like you’re not in control of yourself/your body.
I promise you though that it doesn’t change anything for us here. Actually, I am inspired by your ability to identify when you’ve dissociated. I have been trying to learn to acknowledge when it happens to me, but honestly it just feels so foggy and out of hands that I generally don’t realize it before a really long time afterwards. And the awareness generally comes from my therapist through the conversations we have.
Despite reactions you don’t choose, you are able to acknowledge these reactions. That alone displays a lot of self-awareness, which is something to be proud of.
We all deserve peace, but for some peace will never come. Some people are trapped inside their own minds with only one way to find peace. I’ve fought for over 40 years, how much longer do I have to do this?
You deserve to try differently, that is for sure. Though between a constant, exhausting battle and disappearing, there are other paths to follow. Ones made of help too. You are strong person. Though being self-reliant (whether it’s by choice or not) has a lot of limits too. You have been strong for so long. You are allowed to rest your head on others shoulders too.
I’m on meds, but I’m pretty sure I need an adjustment.
That alone can be a very significant element with great consequences. But you know that already, and I don’t want to bother you or make you feel pressured. It’s good that you are aware of the need for an adjustment. At least, it can always be worth it to try and see.
When it comes down to it, I’ve just made excuses not to find a doctor.
I think that is something that many of us do. We can find all the excuses of the world. To me it has been more than a decade of hitting rock bottom, making the decision “this is it! tomorrow I take an appointment…”, but then after a night and feeling more rested, I would start to dismiss my own feelings and believe that I was feeling genuinely better, until the cycle happened again… We often believe that we need to feel really really bad in order to ask for help, while really it can be done anytime. It’s even better to do so before it gets really bad. Not mentioning all the inner barriers made of “I can do it by myself, I don’t want to be a burden or steal others time, I feel like a fraud, etc.”.
You are very honest with yourself. I don’t know if you’ve ever said that, “I made excuses”, but I think that’s very brave and positive. You know yourself. You know what could help. And personally I’m all about encouraging you in following what you know is right, instead of what your mind tries to convince you of during your darkest times. You deserve to be heard, to overcome the possible embarrassment, and just receive the help you need, whenever you would feel ready.
No matter what your decisions are regarding this doctor, meds and therapy, we will be there all along. Standing with you. That’s what love is too.
I believe in you. Really.