Familiar Whispers

[Mystrose]

I know I shouldn’t give up on myself, but every so often I hear those whispers in my ear and for a few minutes, I do want to give up. Instead of picking up a blade tho, I use the coping skills I promised to use here and I live another day. (sounds dramatic, but it’s true)

I was listening to some music earlier and the song (seether-driven under) that was playing during my last attempt came on. Usually, I would just turn it down and wait for a few mins but in that split second my brain decided it was ok to listen to it since I hadn’t heard it for a long time. For a couple seconds I felt that madness fill me and I lost myself. I don’t want to cause any big triggers so I’ll refrain from describing what went on in my head, but it wasn’t good.

I’m so exhausted…

Honestly? I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I hate saying that, but it’s true.

[Micro]

Dearest @Mystrose,

I am so proud of you for not picking up a blade, and for using healthy coping skills instead. The whispers can pressure you over and over to believe and even feel in your guts what they are saying. Yet by saying no to the blade, you’ve also managed to say no to that voice too. That’s far from being nothing. Though I can imagine how much energy it has forced you to gather at the time. You are strong, my friend. Make sure to get the rest you need after such an exhausting fight.

I have written on my own safety plan that listening to some specific music is something that tends to act as a deep trigger to me. It is so hard to not feel divided between the temptation to listen to it and trying to know how it could affect us. It really is sometimes like hearing a seducing music in our mind that calls us for going down and letting go of our weapons. There is comfort in this call. It feels familiar, troubling but weirdly safe, until we realize that we end up totally lost and we wonder how to climb to the light again.

Lizzy, it makes sense to feel lost and discouraged during those times. We tend to see our life from the outside and all the hurt, pain, difficult memories, all the times we fought are suddenly right in front of our face and it is so, so overwhelming. Though it doesn’t mean that it is what all of our life is about. There’s so much beauty too. It’s just really hard to feel it during that kind of moment.

How often do you hit these dark corners of your mind? Have you noticed any difference lately? (more intense/more often, for example)

I’m sending love your way, still and always.

[Mystrose]

@Micro

It is so hard to not feel divided between the temptation to listen to it and trying to know how it could affect us.

I had a bad LSD trip when I was in high school while listening to Pink Floyd The Wall. To this day, I have to turn down one part of one song or it triggers voices. I should have known better. Maybe unconsciously I wanted to see if it still triggered me.

@Micro

How often do you hit these dark corners of your mind?

Several times a day. Sometimes, I just think who am I kidding? I can’t fight this forever. Sometimes it’s just easier to give in to the whispers and I imagine some day I will. I feel like I’m being really dark and I don’t want to be. I don’t usually let this out for people to see.

I have to sleep, my meds are knocking me out. Thank you @Micro you’re words are always comforting and I feel the love. I’m safe, so don’t worry.

[Micro]

I should have known better. Maybe unconsciously I wanted to see if it still triggered me.

I don’t think you “should” have known better. You also have the right to be curious about knowing if this would be still a trigger to you or not. I’ve done that too with a song that is now associated with a time I had hurt myself to end it all. Somehow, I think I thought that seeing if this was still a trigger would have told me if I progressed or not. Which would make sense. But memories and emotions are more complex. We don’t blame ourselves for having a sweet feeling of joy and nostalgia when a music, a perfume, a thought or an obejct is associated with a good memory. It shouldn’t be different for when it is darker ones. There isn’t any “should” or “shouldn’t” on that matter, really. And, I think it’s important to be at peace with the fact that these associations between memories and feelings don’t reflect our own progress either. It’s just part of these experiences that go beyond words, and sometimes even beyond reason too.

I can’t fight this forever.

You deserve peace, indeed. Being at war with ourselves is not something we deserve to go through over and over.

I’m not sure to remember how is your situation regarding therapy and such. Is it something you are currently experiencing and/or are willing to try? I know there’s also often an issue in terms of costs and such. It’s really just an open question to be reminded of where you’re at regarding that possibility. Not that it would be the only one either, but still one that is worth to think about.

I feel like I’m being really dark and I don’t want to be. I don’t usually let this out for people to see.

Please don’t worry about it. I mean, you don’t have to wear a mask here. There are dark times, dark thoughts, dark feelings, and sometimes we just don’t have the energy to hide it. It’s okay to say it and to talk about it. The way we see you and how much we love you here is not going to change. You are still the amazing, loving Lizzy. The only thing that it does here is that we have the chance to know you even better. On your end, I hope it’s a bit of a relief to not have to spend some energy into keeping that mask up. Sometimes it’s just good to be raw without filtering what’s in our heart.

I hope you will rest as much as needed and that your mind will give you a break during your sleep. Stay safe.

[Sita]

Hmm, not an expert here, but maybe your cautious peeking at the song to see its effect is a sign of growth? You know it’s a trigger, but you wanted to see if you could handle it now, maybe? I think that’s such a human behaviour, like walking on the edge of an active volcano, which is what it felt like, i imagine!
You know you could fall into the hole, you know you could get some lava on you and that’s what happened with you when the song/music/lyrics got stuck inside you. There could be a day when you look at that scary sounding volcano and when you look inside, it is calm and still and not active anymore.

I am extremely happy that you used your coping skills and didn’t pick up the blade. We love you and we are grateful you’re a part of this community. You make the day better just by being you!

[Mystrose]

@Micro

You deserve peace, indeed. Being at war with ourselves is not something we deserve to go through over and over.

We all deserve peace, but for some peace will never come. Some people are trapped inside their own minds with only one way to find peace. I’ve fought for over 40 years, how much longer do I have to do this?

@Micro

I’m not sure to remember how is your situation regarding therapy and such. Is it something you are currently experiencing and/or are willing to try?

I’m on meds, but I’m pretty sure I need an adjustment. I don’t have a psychiatrist and I’m not in talk therapy. When it comes down to it, I’ve just made excuses not to find a doctor. I have been thinking that I should talk to my medical doctor on the 29th about getting a psych evaluation. A med adjustment means a week in the mental ward for me.

@Micro

I mean, you don’t have to wear a mask here.

To be honest, this is the only place that I have found where I can be the closest to what I feel might be my true self. I know that’s confusing, it is for me. With BPD comes the distorted sense of identity. I don’t know which “self” is really me yet. I have a few to choose from lol.

The darkness that lives inside my mind would bring a healthy minded person to their knees. That’s really why I hold back, it’s frightening to people who don’t understand and I don’t want to trigger those who do.

@Micro

The way we see you and how much we love you here is not going to change.

This is something that I truly believe and I thank everyone here for accepting me.

[Mystrose]

@Sita

You know it’s a trigger, but you wanted to see if you could handle it now, maybe?

I don’t remember really “deciding,” but that’s probably what happened. Triggers can come out of no where when you have so many. I guess it’s how we cope with it that counts, right? I’m still here, so I guess I did something right last night.

@Sita

There could be a day when you look at that scary sounding volcano and when you look inside, it is calm and still and not active anymore.

I pray that day comes.

[Mystrose]

@Mystrose

@Micro

How often do you hit these dark corners of your mind?

Several times a day.

I was going to let this go, but it has been bothering me since yesterday. Some of this thread I remember, but some I don’t. I have to clarify what “several times a day” means because it’s giving the elusion that I experience what I did the other day… several times a day. That’s not exactly true…but, what I do experience several times a day is a real struggle to want to live. Some of those moments are fleeting and some I need help coping with. I’m sure most can relate to this.

I was in a bad place the other day and I dissociated and for me it causes amnesia. It’s been happening more than usual and it’s pretty embarrassing.

[Micro]

Thank you for taking the time to clarify more what you meant, @Mystrose. It definitely helps to have a better understanding of how things are for you.

I’m sorry you struggle with amnesia due to dissociating. Though I can assure you that there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed for, because that is not something in your control. There is no responsibility to hold on that matter. It is just your mind trying to protect you, even though I imagine that it can be scary to realize/see things you’ve said without necessarily remembering it. It’s just not pleasant to feel like you’re not in control of yourself/your body.

I promise you though that it doesn’t change anything for us here. Actually, I am inspired by your ability to identify when you’ve dissociated. I have been trying to learn to acknowledge when it happens to me, but honestly it just feels so foggy and out of hands that I generally don’t realize it before a really long time afterwards. And the awareness generally comes from my therapist through the conversations we have.

Despite reactions you don’t choose, you are able to acknowledge these reactions. That alone displays a lot of self-awareness, which is something to be proud of.

We all deserve peace, but for some peace will never come. Some people are trapped inside their own minds with only one way to find peace. I’ve fought for over 40 years, how much longer do I have to do this?

You deserve to try differently, that is for sure. Though between a constant, exhausting battle and disappearing, there are other paths to follow. Ones made of help too. You are strong person. Though being self-reliant (whether it’s by choice or not) has a lot of limits too. You have been strong for so long. You are allowed to rest your head on others shoulders too.

I’m on meds, but I’m pretty sure I need an adjustment.

That alone can be a very significant element with great consequences. But you know that already, and I don’t want to bother you or make you feel pressured. It’s good that you are aware of the need for an adjustment. At least, it can always be worth it to try and see.

When it comes down to it, I’ve just made excuses not to find a doctor.

I think that is something that many of us do. We can find all the excuses of the world. To me it has been more than a decade of hitting rock bottom, making the decision “this is it! tomorrow I take an appointment…”, but then after a night and feeling more rested, I would start to dismiss my own feelings and believe that I was feeling genuinely better, until the cycle happened again… We often believe that we need to feel really really bad in order to ask for help, while really it can be done anytime. It’s even better to do so before it gets really bad. Not mentioning all the inner barriers made of “I can do it by myself, I don’t want to be a burden or steal others time, I feel like a fraud, etc.”.

You are very honest with yourself. I don’t know if you’ve ever said that, “I made excuses”, but I think that’s very brave and positive. You know yourself. You know what could help. And personally I’m all about encouraging you in following what you know is right, instead of what your mind tries to convince you of during your darkest times. You deserve to be heard, to overcome the possible embarrassment, and just receive the help you need, whenever you would feel ready.

No matter what your decisions are regarding this doctor, meds and therapy, we will be there all along. Standing with you. That’s what love is too.

I believe in you. Really.

[Mystrose]

@Micro

I am inspired by your ability to identify when you’ve dissociated.

I don’t know until I see the aftermath like posts here, I have no clue while it’s happening. So, it’s really confusing when I open the forum up and see a new post from me. Sometimes it all comes back and sometimes I’m like, wtf just happened… You’re right tho, it’s foggy and confusing.

You know how when people are drunk they have no filters and sometimes you learn things about them that they never would have told you sober?

I don’t want to give up, so I just keep fighting. When I get overly tired or stressed it gets worse and that’s where I am right now. I’m in the danger zone.

I have a list already made up to talk to my new doctor about. I have a lot of physical problems going on and I need to get ahold on my health. I’m going to ask for an evaluation so I can get placed with a new psychiatrist and talk therapist. I need have a med adjustment, I know I do. Something is really off. Med adjustments mean I have to spend a week in the mental ward so they can monitor my vitals. I’m not looking forward to that.

My excuses (no, I have never said that I’ve made excuses out loud, you’re right) are usually the result of delusions tricking me into not going. Intrusive thoughts of seeing myself laying bloody in a ditch on the side of the road dying. That’s the more tame one, I wont describe the other things I see in my head.

The doctor’s office is literally a 2 minute drive and I’m feeling confident that I’ll go. I kind of have to because I’m out of refills and a couple of my meds.

@Micro

You are very honest with yourself.

I have to be. We all should be.

@Micro

No matter what your decisions are regarding this doctor, meds and therapy, we will be there all along. Standing with you. That’s what love is too.

This made me have happy tears. Thank you. This is the first place online that I have found real support, encouragement and acceptance. Also a place where I have learned and grown.

Thank you for always putting my fears at ease, @Micro

[Sita]

we love you and want you to be as well as is possible. I hope you do 2 minutes drive.

It must be scary to have these experiences so often during the day, but rest assured that I (I can only speak for myself) will always be here to read your posts and I’ll always message you if I think something sounds a big different Or just to check in with you. You are precious to us and you’re appreciated. You matter, friend!

[Mystrose]

@Sita

Thank you

I appreciate the support you give not only to me, but everyone here. I wish I could give you a hug.

[Sita]

big virtual hug

And thank you, for all your support, to me and everyone else
I’m truly grateful for having met you here!

[Micro]

You know how when people are drunk they have no filters and sometimes you learn things about them that they never would have told you sober?

Oh yes! Yes, absolutely. It is for sure confusing. And pretty stressful as well to look after the pieces of the puzzle that you are missing, with the hope that nothing too embarrassing or too bad happened.

Just for this place right here, feel always free to DM me if you ever feel the need for posts to be unlisted. I don’t want you to feel embarrassed or exposed beyond your own will. Just know it’s totally fine to “bother” mods for that. It’s something we can always work on together, and sort out feelings when that is needed. Always want you and everyone to feel safe here, and have their own limits respected.

I have a list already made up to talk to my new doctor about.

That’s amazing. I just wanted to stop on that a few minutes because that’s once again a huge step and it shows how much you’ve been proactive. There are certainly fears and reservations, but you know deep inside what would be the right thing to do. Well done for anticipating this conversation. Way to make sure to not forget anything and ease some stress too.

The doctor’s office is literally a 2 minute drive and I’m feeling confident that I’ll go. I kind of have to because I’m out of refills and a couple of my meds.

Sounds like a good plan, Lizzy. Rest assured that before and after this meeting, you would still be you and your world would still keep turning. Only with a new layer of strength and healing added to your heart. <3

I have to be. We all should be.

For sure! It’s just not that easy. I want to acknowledge all the time, steps forward and backward that it would have taken you to get there. I know it’s not an easy road. And even getting to that point doesn’t feel like it’s acquired forever. But you are definitely strenghtening yourself continuously. This conversation is just a tiny, visible side of this huge iceberg. For what it’s worth coming from me, I’m proud of you.

Med adjustments mean I have to spend a week in the mental ward so they can monitor my vitals. I’m not looking forward to that.

Yea, nothing super attractive with the perspective of having to spend a week there. I understand why just thinking about it is emotionally taxing already. Take your time. Once again, we’ll be there all along no matter what.

This made me have happy tears. Thank you. This is the first place online that I have found real support, encouragement and acceptance. Also a place where I have learned and grown.

You are loved, Lizzy. Not because of what you would say, give, do or share. But for who you are. And I only see a beautiful soul right here.

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hey Lizzy, I have been reading your posts and I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom that would fix everything for you. All I think when I read is “What would Lizzy say”?

No you shouldn’t give up on yourself and I don’t think you will because not only are you strong but you have extra strength and love behind you from us and I know we are not physically there, we are in you, in your heart and mind and want you to remember that every time you have a bad moment and you are really lucky in one respect on this wall because you know for certain that these are not just words, unlike new people that are unsure who we are, you know that these words are sent with genuine love for you.
I know you are tired Lizzy and I want you to rest and I recall a conversation from a while ago when you said you would ask for help? I hope you are doing that friend? I hope you are getting help with all the extra work that you are taking on. Its too much when you are not well yourself. Im going to utter those words we tell people all the time Be Kind to yourself!! Lizzy.
I hope this helped to find you friend. You really are loved very much.
Lisa.

[Mystrose]

@Micro

You are loved, Lizzy. Not because of what you would say, give, do or share. But for who you are. And I only see a beautiful soul right here.

Thank you for hugging my heart.

[Mystrose]

@Lisalovesfeathers

I have been reading your posts and I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom that would fix everything for you. All I think when I read is “What would Lizzy say”?

Touche lol

I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. It’s easy to give advice from your own experiences and what you’ve learned thru therapy, but actually believing it for yourself is a different story.

@Lisalovesfeathers

I want you to rest and I recall a conversation from a while ago when you said you would ask for help? I hope you are doing that friend?

Yes, I am My boyfriend and mother are very supportive and because of some previous problems, I’ve promised to tell my boyfriend when I’m struggling with certain triggers or emotions. Of course heart support has been a blessing in that area, for sure. Everyone’s support and kindness here has been amazing.

You don’t have to have “wonderful words of wisdom” for me, just knowing that someone sees me and accepts me for who I am is, in it’s self, the best support I could have.