Family struggles getting to me

So its coming up 6 months since my last post on here (for context Personal struggles involving the family)

I don’t know what to do about the whole situation. To be brutally honest I’m not looking for sympathy, I don’t know what I want. Maybe just some advice or encouraging words, and maybe just someone to listen…

It’s been around a year since I last saw my grandfather, which was such a distressing experience for me.
I know I should of seen him before now, but its just so difficult to see him in such an upsetting condition like last time.
I want to preserve the memories of how things used to be with him, but that feels selfish.
Approaching this experience is like opening a present without having any idea what I’ll find.
I keep wondering, when I do see him, will he even know who I am?
Therefore, my gut reaction is to stay in my bubble and avoid it altogether, but my heart wants to see how he is doing. I’m terrified about what I may find.
I know I’ll l just have to see him and risk getting upset and need to prepare myself, but I’m not sure how, or if it will do any good.
Maybe God or Whoever is up there is testing my strength, but all I want now is for this dilemma to stop tearing me apart.
Of course I don’t want him dead, but it would be so much simpler if both he and my family and I didn’t have to suffer this…
I feel guilty for thinking that, but I don’t even know what to think anymore. Facing my fear seems like the only way, and it can’t be that bad right?

Now, all these possibilities are all whizzing in my head and making me think that seeing him is most likely going to be worse than in reality.
I don’t want to see him, but I do, but I don’t, but I do… I don’t even know.
This has been going on for around 3 years and this past year I haven’t really though about it at all if I could help it.
In fact, I feel like I’ve stuck my head completely in the sand until recently, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.
Maybe that’s the worse thing I could of done, but I didn’t know how else to handle the situation, so that was my solution.
Avoiding the situation won’t do any good, since although I hear things from what my family say when they see him, it’s not the same as seeing him with my own eyes.
Now I need to just do it, especially since I want to stay strong for my family as its Christmas.
Speaking of Christmas, I should be happy when it comes around right?
I’m upset for being so worried at such a joyful time of year.
But I guess this year is different from regular, carefree Christmas’s… again, this year, I know I miss you old granddad x
Thank you everyone for reading my scattered thoughts,

Much love,

P.S Thank you E for helping me write this properly, love you <3

You say you don’t want it but in every aspect deserving of sympathy. Your grandad is truly special to you. I agree that you should go see him. If you don’t nothings gonna get better. You’ll just keep living with the internal conflict of letting go of what was and accepting what is. I know it’ll be more then I can conjure into words but what do you think your memories of grandad would say if they saw you turn your back on him. I know you wan to be a
Strong for your family but everyone needs someone to lean on. I think your trying to remain in the past cause you just can’t accept the now. I think you should go and see him

If so goodluck😘

There are ways to help people with dementia & such illnesses. It helps if you can remind them through photos and having the people they’ve been around the most come see them. Remind them of their lives and memories. They won’t remember everyone all of the time and eventually they can forget everything. Yet doing these simple things will help stave off forgetting entirely present time.

Hope everything gets better. Be strong.