Fear of sleeping

I’ve become used to rejecting sleep for as long as I can and that’s how I live. It’s gotten worse again, like a rash that keeps flaring up. I stay up until I virtually pass out. I try to wake up early, but it doesn’t change anything. I still manage to stay up way too late.

I’m afraid of sleeping.
I keep getting intrusive thoughts and images in my head, specifically images of this one creature inhuman disfigured thing. It stands at a distance, crouched. Watching me, foaming at the mouth. Its skin has a yellowish tone, different from the others. This has happened before and I’m scared of actually seeing the “thing.”

An instance before, maybe a month or more ago, I was having this distinct image of a pinpoint black eye with pure blackness around it. Eventually, I saw a “thing.” But this one was covered in eyes all over, tall, skinny, black, and it was opening my door from the outside (my door was cracked open). I froze. I couldn’t do anything but stare at it. It was so horrific that I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t speak, or call for anyone. It went away after some long seconds.
Anyways, I’m afraid of seeing that one again, Imore, and I’m more terrified of seeing the current “thing” in my mind for real.

If I lie too close to the edge of my bed, I’m scared of being bitten. So I press my back to the wall all night and watch the rest of my room. Or I open my curtains for the streetlights.

I don’t feel safe but it’s only myself or rather my brain. I don’t feel safe with myself but I don’t know how to fix it.

Hi @wren_wyn,

I’m super concern of your health for sleeping. Sleeping is super important to for us to function normally. A lack of sleep can cause physical and mental health issues. Most people can function around 5 hours of sleep but not everyone. Last year, it was kind of horrible for me to not sleep for 2-4 months because I suffered with PTSD & Bipolar 1 with hallucinations. Medication did saved my life for having a better sleep and be emotionally stable. Do I recommend others to take medication like mine to sleep? No, medication comes with side effects so be careful. I take a lot of sleeping pills prescribed by my psychiatrist when I go to bed.

I have less hallucinations the last few days due to medication. I do struggle with hallucinations everyday even with medication. I always keep myself distracted with hallucinations by listening to music or reading book before going to bed. There are certain people that use noise machine when sleeping. Sometimes I remind myself that my hallucinations aren’t real sometimes.

What are your favorite things to do to distract from your hallucination at night? You can turned on the night light and play the noise machine when sleeping. I don’t you have a stuff animal like a Squish mallow. Those stuff animals are cute but it makes me feel safe to sleep at night for hallucinations & nightmares too. You do what makes your comfortable to sleep. These are my list of suggestions but you don’t need to follow my advice. Let me know if you need anything else from me!

I hope you are able to sleep in peace in the future.

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I’m not sure on the amount of sleep I’m getting. Probably near what I need. But I know I’m not getting good sleep and I don’t have a healthy sleep schedule because of how late I stay up and how early/late I get up.

It’s thought that my paranoia and hallucinations come from PTSD, depression, anxiety, or a mix of them. I don’t know what it is. I tried an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medication. But it made me more depressed to where I couldn’t do anything and more suicidal to where I felt as though I was in a scummy tar abyss. The psychiatrist was then going to put me on mood stabilizers (I don’t know why), but the side effects were not worth it to me. A lot of the side effects are just things I’m trying to control. I don’t like taking medication.
I’d rather be miserable than more miserable. Maybe I’m not in a good place now, I’m definitely not, but I don’t want to be worse than how bad I am already. If that makes sense.

I guess the most I can do is talk about it with my therapist when they come back from vacation and maybe I’ll go see the psychiatrist again. I was going to try tea, but I’ve been forgetting about it. Thank you, though. I’ll look for any stuffed animals when I go to the store eventually.

That sounds like a good idea to talk with a therapist and psychiatrist. I don’t know this will be the best advice. My mental health therapist works with on me with sleeping hygiene. It may sound strange but my therapist told me “don’t force yourself to sleep.” That advice changed my sleeping much better. If you forcing yourself to sleep, your brain feels stress and pressure. My therapist recommend to read a book or walk around the house to help you fall asleep. I’m also trying to drink with sleeping tea too. You aren’t alone with the sleeping issues. Everyone has a different way to fall asleep.

I’m have been drinking tea a lot lately and it made huge impact with my mental health. Tea has so many different flavors that I didn’t know.

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The circumstances are getting better, but I’m getting worse. Today I realized how bad my paranoia has become.
I was alone in the house, unsure of where anyone had gone. I somehow convinced myself something bad was happening, that I was going to be next. These fantasies kept playing in my head, different situations and instances of what happened, where they went. I wanted to get a knife, but walking around with one would be questionable. So I unscrewed a pencil sharpener blade and held it in my pocket as I walked inside and outside.

I felt like I was in a daze, nothing was real. I was moving but mentally unconscious. Anyways, I found who I was looking for and everything was fine.

It feels like the walls have eyes and I’m constantly being watched. I feel like someone is following me. Physically, I never feel alone. Because there’s always the pressure of the things I can’t see staring behind me. Sometimes I see them. I can’t describe how inhuman they are.

This was more of a nonsensical ramble. I’m getting worse and I don’t know what to do about it. I want answers. But I can’t even begin to explain without sounding crazy.

I keep hallucinating. It’s been constant for the past weeks. I don’t know what they want from me. Majority of it is visual but sometimes they touch me.

I feel like my therapist doesn’t know how to help me. Am I an anomaly? I don’t want medication and I don’t want to try any more. I’m tired of gulping down bandaids for a gouge.
I don’t know what the point of this is. I don’t know what to do since it’s my brain. It is me, is it someone else? I don’t want to go to bed tonight. I’m going to be haunted.

Nothing feels real anymore. It’s like I’m drunk on emptiness.