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Feel like I'm going under

I watched a YouTube video about Tim and his bandmates and followed the link here.

I’m struggling. I feel like the bottom has been ripped out and I’m doggy paddling in an ocean and I get handed brick after brick to hold on to.

I have been abandoned by everyone. I’m working hard in therapy where it was making a difference. Then the rug kept getting ripped out from under me over and over.

I stopped working so hard in therapy. Not because I didnt care. But it gets harder and harder … longer and longer to get back up and start over. You finally realize if you get knocked down just stay down… I’m only human without friends or support I can only take so many blows.

Therapy means being brave enough to look at yourself without the mask. Explore and feel the pain you kept buried so you can finally heal. I already struggle forgiving myself. The weight of the shame and my own self punishment I feel I deserve let alone facing others who will forever judge me and add to that getting knocked down over and over.

I feel like I have reached a point where something is gonna give… going to break … where the doggy paddling gives away to slipping under then coming up and struggling for air just to slip under again.

I dont want to die. But I cant stuff it back down and wear a mask to get by and fake a smile. But I’m finding it difficult to maintain everyday mundane tasks while I explore all my buried rage and pain from a lifetime of abuse that I never let myself feel with therapy.

I learned in trauma therapy that if an animal feels threatened it will run if it can. If it cant it will collapse … freeze… play dead… that all the abuse I suffered throughout my childhood I couldnt escape so I learned how to freeze … collapse… that’s what’s happening now… everything feels overwhelming and I’m frozen… I’m not lazy… I’m stuck … in play dead mode… everything tsunamied over my head and I’m stuck… I dont know how I’m suppose to keep moving forward in finding a job and faking a smile n getting to it everyday n therapy feeling and healing these wounds and juggle everyday stuff. I struggle just eating and getting out out of bed. I started cutting again. I would give anything not to be me.

I thought I would try this forum… maybe it would be something to hang on to in the ocean.

Ava

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Hey friendo, I’m not gonna lie childhood abuse is extremely difficult to work through. I’m in the same boat and having to work through a lot of the same things. Only reason I’m where I am and who I am is because my older sister did a shit ton of support and helped me find my way out. And I’m hoping to pay that forward here in whatever way I can with all of you guys :slight_smile:

So: whatever you’re doing now, it’s a huge accomplishment and I hope you can see that. And moving forward is really difficult. So every day, whatever you do it’s an achievement. There is no timetable for recovery from something like this; it’s your recovery and it happens on your time. So if some days you just can’t do anything other than lie in your bed, that’s totally fine. You’ve more than earned time to rest. Taking time for yourself to heal doesn’t make you weak, it means you’re a badass in recovery. You have been through literal hell and survived. Of course you’re gonna need time to recover.

And if you want a new outlet, would you ever be interested in learning how to literally fight for yourself? :slight_smile: I’m an avid martial artist and I’ve found it’s helped me a lot to have the knowledge that I don’t have to fear physical violence. If you’d like some resources on getting into that and self defense in general, let me know and I can help out. It’s definitely a good outlet for pain and rage.

And if you need an anchor, I’m more than down to help in whatever way I can, even if it’s just listening.

Best wishes and don’t forget: you’re a badass in recovery :smile:

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Thank you. I’m struggling with putting on a fake face and figuring out how to find the strength to get a job so I’m not homeless along with maintaining therapy to heal these wounds and all the pain it opens up … with no one around to help me or hold me… with everything around me falling apart because I cant do the simplest things anymore. So martial arts is something I would like but I cant even get to the store to get food or get out of bed… I have to figure out how to keep from going under… if I ever feel like I’m finally standing on solid ground I’ll have to check out martial arts. I’m just fighting every 5 mins to find reasons to stay alive.

I’m glad you had your sister. I’m sorry you endured a painful childhood. Thank you for being there and sharing and letting me know I’m not alone :heart:

Oh got it. What area are you currently in? I can try to find some resources for you that could potentially help with financial trouble :slight_smile:

Minnesota… that’s very kind of you… I’ve tried getting help but it’s not enough… why I have to figure out work n how to juggle a mask to get me thru that every day while all these wounds have been ripped open so I can properly heal.

It feels like being a burn victim. I need all the burnt flesh ripped away so new skin can grow and heal but I’m forced to take care of everyday stuff … n work while the skin is being ripped off… no family or loved ones around to help while I heal. I’ve gotten to a point I just lay here… no food … cant even check the mail … just gets harder to care… I’m tired …

I had to fight and survive from the beginning … raped from 2 to 16 then ran away from home… no one protected me… always having to find ways to keep hoping to keep smiling to hide all my pain took energy … now to open all that up and deal with stuff I kept buried leaves me weak … frozen… sad… angry… and no one around to help… to believe in me… to laugh with… just me and my thoughts and my pain… I’m tired of fighting… tired of surviving I just want to close my eyes and finally be at peace. Just so tired

Hey I found this here while googling around; it might be relevant.https://cornerstonemn.org/for-adults/community-and-economic-empowerment-services/

Unfortunately I’m from California so I can’t do much to help in person, but I believe in you and will support you however I can. If you have any social media, I can follow and be in touch regularly :slight_smile: and if you don’t have any I’ll always check heart support. And I’ll do my best to help ease your burden in whatever way I can :slight_smile:

@GreatWalrus Thank you I appreciate the information I will look into it. I’m grateful for your friendship and encouragement

Also if you ever wanna get into contact with me more immediately. My instagram is @great_walrus. You can always get ahold of me there :slight_smile: