I watched a YouTube video about Tim and his bandmates and followed the link here.
I’m struggling. I feel like the bottom has been ripped out and I’m doggy paddling in an ocean and I get handed brick after brick to hold on to.
I have been abandoned by everyone. I’m working hard in therapy where it was making a difference. Then the rug kept getting ripped out from under me over and over.
I stopped working so hard in therapy. Not because I didnt care. But it gets harder and harder … longer and longer to get back up and start over. You finally realize if you get knocked down just stay down… I’m only human without friends or support I can only take so many blows.
Therapy means being brave enough to look at yourself without the mask. Explore and feel the pain you kept buried so you can finally heal. I already struggle forgiving myself. The weight of the shame and my own self punishment I feel I deserve let alone facing others who will forever judge me and add to that getting knocked down over and over.
I feel like I have reached a point where something is gonna give… going to break … where the doggy paddling gives away to slipping under then coming up and struggling for air just to slip under again.
I dont want to die. But I cant stuff it back down and wear a mask to get by and fake a smile. But I’m finding it difficult to maintain everyday mundane tasks while I explore all my buried rage and pain from a lifetime of abuse that I never let myself feel with therapy.
I learned in trauma therapy that if an animal feels threatened it will run if it can. If it cant it will collapse … freeze… play dead… that all the abuse I suffered throughout my childhood I couldnt escape so I learned how to freeze … collapse… that’s what’s happening now… everything feels overwhelming and I’m frozen… I’m not lazy… I’m stuck … in play dead mode… everything tsunamied over my head and I’m stuck… I dont know how I’m suppose to keep moving forward in finding a job and faking a smile n getting to it everyday n therapy feeling and healing these wounds and juggle everyday stuff. I struggle just eating and getting out out of bed. I started cutting again. I would give anything not to be me.
I thought I would try this forum… maybe it would be something to hang on to in the ocean.