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Feel like such a failure tonight

I feel like I talk like I want recovery, that I want to heal. I talk that I am fighting my head daily yet tonight I ended up self harming and purging. I didn’t even try to reach out or really use my tools. I gave in because lately I just want to sabatoge anything good. For some dumb reason I feel like this is all I can control which I know isnt rational at all. I find myself spiraling but yet I keep telling myself I’m fine, that I’m just making things worse than they need to be. That this is all in my head and some how is my fault. I should just try harder and want to change because life really isn’t that bad I’m just overwhelmed. I am having a hard time having grace for myself and even wanting to pick myself back up. I am so torn on what I want in life right now. I know this spiral isn’t helping and is only going to make things worse but I keep messing up. I keep allowing my emotions to get to me. I’m just so tired of struggle of being at war with my mind yet I know that the only way things can change is if I choose and want it. Hopefully I can find hope and get back up.

Hey @Fashionlover0191, I’m sorry you went back to old habits but I think you’re beating yourself up too much. From what has been discussed on stream and listening to Casey, Dan, and Ben Sledge unpack ReWrite, relapses can unfortunately be a part of recovery and it’s okay. I say this because I just want you to know that you are NOT a failure. It is difficult fighting strong emotions, but the fact is that emotions are just emotions and the only control we have over them is the control we allow them to have over us. There are certainly times where urges to hurt yourself can be stronger than others, I’ve felt that, and that’s when it’s important to reach out or use the tools you talked about. And if it happens again, reach out again like you just have. There are countless people here who have struggled with this who believe you will get yourself through it next time!

I believe in you. Hold fast friend!

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