Hi friends, so as of late I have been deep diving in my therapy to work on some major childhood traumas because I don’t want that person who did the things he did to control me. Well it has been a task on me. I have been struggling the last few days with this idea that maybe just maybe I can learn to allow myself to show how much these moments and events from my childhood and such do not control what I do and why I do it. However as of right now I am fighting that fear that I will never be okay. That this will not ever stop.
To add to the situation life has been very tough for me in less than a year. I got out of a very abusive toxic relationship/ environment which was bad to the point of domestic violence stuff was called more than once on the person. I constantly felt on edge. I did in July find the ability to get out of that living situation. Sadly tho now I am stuck in needing a place of my own and living with friends or their family. This is really hard as I hate being that burden. I was thinking hard today about how the people here that I had done things with and such have kind of gone off the radar and it’s bringing up this idea of feeling completely and utterly alone. Like it’s not helpful when I don’t have tons of people but add that the one who I am closest with doesn’t seem to want much to do with me. It’s as if the relationship is strained or something. I have been feeling super lost because I want to have my own life and live a life that is mine but due to income issues I can’t afford most places so I am currently living day to day fearing that something will change the current living situation and that for whatever reason I won’t be able to care for me and or my dogs which mean the world to me and are my safety and support and comforts in so many ways. One even happens to be my guide dog. I am fighting the need to just give up because all the things around me aren’t entirely feeling like it will change or that I will ever be able to fight for more of a change. The battle of keeping the flashbacks away and the fears of everything else at bay and trying to work through some serious trauma has left me drained and exhausted.
Honestly if I didn’t seriously feel as tho I am not loved by some in my life I would not be functioning right now. If I didn’t have the things like my dogs or the wonderful team of therapists I work with I wouldn’t be here. Lately it has crossed my mind a few different times and in more than a simple thought but a plan and such to just end it all. If it wasn’t for the few pieces I am holding onto I wouldn’t be here. I continue to be discouraged and down right feel like why am I such a broken mess. What was it that made the world decide I am so utterly broken. It keeps throwing more and more at me. I feel defeated at this point. My current life is the same every day a continuous repeat of a week not much changes and I don’t feel like I am even truly living at this point.
I am honestly really down and do not feel like I want or can keep battling without the help of the one community I know well. I know that I try hard to be a support and lover to others but I am continuing to feel as tho I am drained and that it’s not worth it to fight what my mind is telling me. And that trying to heal from all that has happened isn’t worth it as it won’t change it and it’s become just too hard to ignore and move through life like I am okay.
If you read to here thanks I understand that many of you may not know my entire story or what happened to me as a child. But you all likely know just how hard my battle is on a daily basis to do the same things as my peers. Yay for disabilities.
For this, I will sort of tap into a distant science thingy that has resonated with me forever.
Question: Why does the temperature remain constant during a change of state?
Answer: During a change of the state of matter, the supplied energy is not used to increase the kinetic energy of the molecules, but to change the binding energies. Therefore, the temperature remains constant.
From my recall, when energy is directed to an object (for example heat in the school book terms,) OR in more real-life terms - energy such as our focus, our attention, our thoughts, our time.
When we direct energy to an object, there is a moment where we SEE no noticeable changes and it feels frustrating to not see a change. But this is what happens when the object changes state.
YOU are the object undergoing change - growth, healing, learning to express yourself, expel your demons, whatever it is.
YOU are fundamentally changing for the better, for the healthier. That sort of quiet moment is expected, though uncomfortable. Keep directing your energy to therapy, to healing.
I hope that you find more stability with respect to housing and being free of some of that uncertainty and stress.
You matter.
(Apologies to the actual scientists in here if I botched the actual science here, it’s been a while)
Hey ash, I know I don’t know you too well, but there is something that everyone at some stage can relate to and that is pain and hurt. Your pain and hurt has been devastating and from such an early age. I wish it was possible to protect everyone from those traumas and to reassure everyone that things will just get better and better with no bumps along the way.
You are not a burden. People welcome you in because they love you and want to do what they can to help. I wish that disability assistance was more easily available and accessible. Even where I live it can be so hard for people to get what they need without having to jump through so many hoops.
I am really proud of you for breaking from that toxic relationship. The fact that you did and that you’re in a safer environment is so wonderful to hear.
I imagine the impact it’s left on you has been scarring.
Sometimes being kind and gracious to ourselves is hard and is a reminder of the kindness and graciousness we didn’t receive. It’s unfair that the world doesn’t stop and mourn our hurt. It’s unfair that the people who tell us they love us don’t show that love in the way it’s mean to be showed.
My favourite thing to do when things get overwhelming is to curl up in a blanket and sleep. Literally. It’s all I can manage sometimes. It reminds me of Stephanie foo- “when the sky falls use it as a blanket”.
What does your body and mind need right now?
As I said at the beginning I don’t know you very well, but I’ve already seen the love people here have for you. The happiness when you show up in the twitch chat or on discord. It’s genuine to its core. You are very loved. Soak in it and know you deserve it
@ManekiNeko Firstly thank you for your reply it really means a lot. So ya you may not know a lot about me which is totally fine. I am grateful that even if you didnt you still took the time to reply.
This is sometimes super hard for me to grasp as true. I know people are suppose to love me etc but sadly with how much others in my life in the past have shared to me that they dont truly love me for me. They either expect something from me or want something from me. I have constantly felt and or been shown that wait your not enough bullying or people showing me a not so fun friendship.
It is very scarring and still is as I had to lose a lot of things that meant a lot to me. Someone I thought I could trusted ended up being someone I couldnt trust. Someone that hurt me to the core. There were things that got taken from me and hurt me. They even tried to make it so my dogs were taken from me even tho they are beyond cared for and those who did look at the so called issues were like haha no these are beyond taken care of dogs. So much better now thankfully.
Haha why does this entire line make me think of things one of my therapists says all the time. She uses the okay and what is your body telling you. I have to say tho that I dont sleep well normally so that isnt the best unless I become super drained. I also am not good at allowing myself to be idle for long thanks ADHD. I do agree tho on the blanket and such mine is a blanket and comfort stuffies. I love that. Also I do things like coloring or gaming or drawing to help myself when feeling overwhelmed or such. Its not perfect when I am in a ptsd flashback stuff. My entire childhood was filled with the trauma. It has always been. So not only am I learning to love myself fully but I am also learning that what I need is okay. I am struggling tho as of late because its been so hard to battle so much and still feel so hopeless. This idea that okay it can get better is not still the same. I want to fight that but its tough.
People truely can be the definition of evil. That breaks my heart. It’s understandable it’s so hard to trust when there’s been so much hurt and physical evidence that people will hurt you. It’s absolutely natural to want to self preserve and protect from all that harm.
I don’t think there will every be any kind of excuse that could pass to explain what they did to you.
What I do know is that it was not deserved. That you didn’t happen to “find yourself in that situation”, that you didn’t do or say anything that could have possibly even come close to having that treatment be acceptable.
Everyone’s better looks different. Everyone’s journey to get there is different, but I am so very happy you are on that journey! X
You’re not alone and you seem self aware that’s a great thing to be proud of. Keep going and know you are loved wanted and needed in this world. I sound so hypocritical because I don’t say these things to myself when I feel the way you do. But I’m trying my best to heal
