Feeling completely worthless

I dont even know where to begin. Its my first time posting so I will probably keep this short and sweet… I am feeling completely worthless, ugly even worse, hideous, unwanted and lost. My husband has been talking to other women again and I can’t sleep at night, I have to force myself to eat and I can stand the feeling of him touching me anymore or being anywhere close to me. He swears up and down that he isn’t doing anything but I have seen the proof and he gets mad at me for his mistakes. I dont know what to do anymore. I am constantly trying to change my appearance. I know I’m not a bigger weight but I see all my flaws in the mirror and wonder why I’m not good enough. I just feel disgusting. The only reason I even really eat is to make my hair grow because I know if I dont eat, I might get a flatter stomach faster but then my hair will get brittle. I am constantly worried about my skin and making it look flawless because I feel so insecure about myself. He doesn’t even make love to me anymore. It’s just about the end result. Not only does he not make love to me but when I ask him how much he loves me he tells me “Dont start. You know how much I love you.” Now guys dont think this is sweet because he says it in a tone like he is annoyed by me. He wants another baby, weirdly enough and I’m scared to get pregnant because if it’s this bad now I can only imagine how it will be when I’m huge and pregnant again. I have been depressed for such a long time. I have already lost my mom and dad, and my family is completely broken apart and I feel alone in this world. I pray and cry and I pray and cry and I know one day God will redeem me from this. But my husband says that I don’t truly believe in Jesus because I wouldn’t feel so lonely if I did. I always fantasise about having a relationship where he talk together, or my husband touches my face, looks me in the eyes and says “I love you so much”. I have to beg for love because if I didn’t I wouldn’t get it and even when I do, he listens for a moment but never follows through with it. I made him cards, 75 of them, each with a reason why I love him for him to take one every day before work, and today I threw them away because he has forgotten to take them and tells me they dont mean shit when I accuse him for the things I see that he does (that supposedly he isn’t doing). I just dont know what to do. I have been acting like nothing is wrong, but honestly emotionally and physically I am just done. I love him more than life itself and I feel like I’m wasting away. My life is literally wasting away. I feel like I am floating through this life and the days are just passing by in a waste. It pains me to say this because all the things I fantasise about I want with him and I couldnt imagine being with anyone else and I am faithful to him while to him, I am just the wife now. I’m not special. I am married but never even got a proposal or a wedding. I have dreamed about that day since I was a little girl. It brought some relief to type this out, because usually I keep it all inside and I’m tired of doing that to myself. I’m so sorry you guys, if I sound totally pathetic. Just needed to vent this out… thanks for reading and hearing me out, its appreciated…

Hey @justashadow,

Trank you so much for sharing and being here. Please, never apologize for posting something, whether it’s positive or not. I’m glad to be able to read you right now.

I’m sorry your struggling with your physical appearance. And I really want to emphasize the fact that your body or your weight isn’t defining you. I’ve been there, and I know how one can struggle with this. I don’t know if your husband or anyone else told you something negative about the way you look. But your physical appearance shouldn’t be a criteria that determines any relationship. Take care of yourself, treat your own body with love and gentleness. You deserve to feel great. And that’s why you also need to eat regularly. Not because of your hair, but because you need it in order to live. But I know it’s easier said than done when we’re struggling, and that’s why I’d really like to encourage you to get some professional support. Controlling our physical appearance can seems like a way to cope with other frustrations/disappointments, but it’s not. And there’s absolutely no reason in this world that would be worth putting your own health in danger. You also evoked your family situation and the fact you’ve been depressed for a long time. Then it could be the time to talk about it with someone, in a safe place. You are not alone. And there’s nothing wrong in asking for some help. Many people in this community are on therapy and could share about that kind of experience if needed. But you really don’t have to deal with this alone.

Also, I’m not a believer of God or Jesus, so I hope what I’ll say is not off-topic or seem inappropriate.
Fom my perspective, what your husband said is useless. Your faith is intimate and no one has to criticize or question your dedication. He may have his own ideas about faith, but what may applies to him or what he thinks is not universal. Your faith and the way you live it is entirely yours. No one should judge this.

I’m also sincerely sorry about your relationship with your husband. It’s indeed a difficult and stressful situation. I’m not sure I understood absolutely everything, but it sounds like you’re disappointed by his behavior, at different levels, and you’re questioning this relationship. I know how it feels when you consider your beloved one as your whole life. But you are still an individual and you exist, whether you’re in this relationship or not. Maybe what you wrote here is the beginning of a deep reflexion about this relationship, and I hope it can help you to get some clarity from it, even if for the moment it’s all about venting. That’s absolutely okay. Feel free to keep writing here as much as you need.

It seems obvious that, for the moment, you have expectations about him and they’re not fulfilled. Unfortunately, no one will be able to say if your expectations are too high, if your husband is not behaving well or both of it. You know him, yourself and this relationship. You are the one who can work on this and determine what you feel and what you want, deep inside. But that doesn’t prevent me to say that loving relationships should be based on a certain kind of reciprocity. And if it’s not, it can be really painful over time. You deserve to feel loved, you deserve respect and peaceful communication, you deserve to be valued by people who love you, including your husband.

You matter. Sending much Love your way. :heart:

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