Hello and thanks anyone who reads this.
Lately I’ve been feeling really…insignificant, I guess. My family and perhaps one friend are all that I ever talk to, I have no other friends. I don’t know how to make friends since it’s been so long for me and I feel like people will just think I’m boring or pathetic or something else negative. I tried joining Discord groups but either nobody acknowledges me or they’re so big it’s impossible to be acknowledged, and due to the pandemic I don’t want to try making friends in real life, nor would I even know how to.
I’m also terrified of my parents dying. They’re getting older and having more and more health issues and they’re all I really have in the world. When they die, I will be 100% alone. This terrifies me. But again, I have no idea how to make any personal connections anymore. Half the time I met old friends it was just by sheer luck, right time right place situations.
It just really bothers me knowing right now if I died the only people who would care are my parents. And if they were dead and I died, nobody would give a single shit, and that really bothers me. It’s starting to creep into everything - when I see other people having a good time with friends I go “at least their friends would care if they died” and that’s such a weird gross mindset to have and I feel ashamed for it.
I guess I’m just being hard on myself. I’m only 21 so I’m still young and life has much time to change in many ways. But for some reason I still feel like I’ve failed.