I feel like I’m invalid. Like I don’t have a right to how I feel. I feel like my emotions are invalid. I feel like my grief is invalid. I feel like my faith is invalid. I feel like my inclusion in the church is invalid. I feel like I shouldn’t have valid friendships. I then distance myself from everything
Then I wonder why I don’t feel anything. I don’t want to be numb and apathetic.
Started thinking about this Saturday. It started with just one of the invalidations but then I realized it wasn’t just 1 occasion but deeply ingrained into how I live
Its been a lot to think about. A deep realization.
I grieve for those I don’t even know. I feel like I make my grief about my pain instead of who was lost. I know nobody is on the same level of faith or life/healing or whatever you want to think of it as, but I feel like a fraud. Some people see me as this super spirited person but I don’t think I have chosen faith yet. Questions are natural, but not to the extent that you stay immovable.
People get so close investing months and years Into me, just for me to walk away. Friends, support groups, church, any of it, I can vanish. They care but I can’t. They think they know so much about me, but that’s just below the surface and I know nothing about them to keep me from disappearing in the blink of an eye to leave even more people confused.
Vanishing is never a slow fade out, it’s a cut all the way through the cord and a match between both ends hoping to burn them