Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not good enough for anybody in my life.
I went and had coffee with an old friend the other day and someone I was once close with felt incredibly distant. There were frequent awkward pauses in conversation, and I was just stupified at how I just couldn’t find anything to say to someone I once shared a majority of my time with.
Besides that, I feel like a horrible friend to everyone else in my life. I’m at a point in my life where I know what I feel and can rationally think it out and talk it out with myself, but God forbid I try and talk to anyone else about it. Whenever I attempt that, I almost instantaneously feel like a burden and a bad friend. I’m supposed to be the listener and the one who helps. The one who has his shit together. Not the other way around. I lift those around me up all the time, but whenever I share how I feel, I can’t help but think that I’m just yanking them back down to a level they shouldn’t have to deal with. They have their own struggles, they shouldn’t have to be bothered with mine.
There are times where shutting up and just burying it sounds more appealing than putting it out there and potentially ruining someone’s day. But, when I do that, I shut down and close myself off, which makes me distant to the people I care about which in turn convinces me I’m a bad friend. I’m not there for those who need me, at least not at that moment. The worst part is, I know it’s bad for me but I can’t seem to break out of the cycle. I always just say “I’m good!” or “I’m fine!”. I don’t want to hide from my friends. It’s just that I don’t know how not to. It’s impossible for me to share my feelings without having an anxiety attack. Just the other week I opened myself up to someone and I had that tight feeling in my chest and the shakes. Even typing this out, there are tears welling up in my eyes.
I want to stop living like this and hiding. I just don’t know how.