Feeling often like trash because of my uncontrolled mixed feelings toward women

So I try to make it short, because I could write a whole book about this “specific” issue, but let’s try:

I am 25 years old, male, university student right now.

It feels so strange that people that are “supposed” to help you through life, make life actually miserable and it feels terrible.
In my case, I found out that the reason why I couldn’t come closer to women in life as a 20+ year adult (in an emotional/sexual way), was that my mom made me always feel like shit when I was a kid, but I simply repressed everything from that time until over 10 years later.

I only found out that something is “wrong” with my feeling when I was like 19 years old, started to lose weight and wanted to get more social, get out more often etc. because I got kinda fat and unsocial (Left instantly after school, to go home and do things at home all day).

I managed to change alot of things in the last 5-6 years and I’m thankful that I did it!
I got more social, self-confident, open, I feel myself more attractive etc. BUT the core issue still persists. My brain simply does NOT feel the need to approach girls, talk to them (except for every day stuff) etc. It’s like my sexuality is still blocked because of my past with my abusive mother. I had times in the past where I was hating on women but that went away in general. I don’t hate anyone, but on the other side I always feel like “it’s not worth the stress” and things like that.

Now what’s most frustrating about that, is that I feel now like I have 2 personalities in my head. That one side that is sometimes (but rarely) feeling that a woman is interesting and maybe I should talk more about personal/emotional stuff but at the same time I feel the other half saying “NO! You don’t need to do that!” and I usually end up ‘only’ getting female friends or block women completely that actively show interest in me.

When something like that happens on one day, I will be pretty neutral but for example when I come home at night and rethink the whole thing I’m crying in my bed saying “What the f*** did I just do today, again? Why did I shout at that person, that they should go away?” etc.

Maybe someone has some input. I’m not the shy, quiet guy anymore, but my brain seems to want it, when it comes to “finding love”. I was in therapy a while ago, but it felt just really horrible and not really rewarding. He basically said that these are indeed mommy issues and “need alot of time”.

Thanks in advance

it’s so good that you already took the first few steps and acknowledged how you were feeling, that’s progress. thought managing is one of the hardest things to go through, so i understand your struggle. you shouldn’t go through it alone and i would highly recommend seeing another therapist. i know it can be really disheartening to go through many of them, but a really good one can really help you manage those thoughts and potentially reframe. for now, maybe try some exercises that help you let the thoughts just pass by, not putting a label or attaching yourself to them can be helpful.

you aren’t alone💙

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Thanks for your fast reply, I appreciate it.

What do you mean with “exercises” ? Just anything that can make me relax, like sports etc. ? I already do that and it also really helps to ‘ignore’ these kind of things, but when I am at home and need to learn for my exams for example, these thoughts come back, unfortunately .

Also it’s not that easy, because I have to think quite often about it, when I am in the city, on the train etc. and just look at people :-/

no i know it’s not easy, i go through almost the same thing. and what i mean is sometimes letting it pass and setting a time to deal with the thoughts later can help, it doesn’t always work and i know that. for me, i imagine a white room with two doors, one thought comes in one door and out the other, just letting it pass, and it if keeps coming back, just let it go through the door again. these don’t always work and believe me i know, but sometimes it can help ease the stress.