Feeling overwhelmed, lost, useless, and small

[juniperhoney]

I tried to keep this short but it didn’t really work.

Generally lately I’ve just been very, very overwhelmed and lost. I’m in the (probably) last year of my literature study, and I’m feeling nothing but useless. It’s just this overwhelming feeling of “I can’t do anything, I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know what I even could do after all this.”
There’s the urge to study more, do another study, but money. I tend to ignore this issue because I’m not there yet, but it’s looming all the time, and whenever I feel bad, it comes back and makes things worse.

I generally struggle with my self worth, things I “can” do, I just generally don’t feel useful in any way. All my life me, and a lot of people around me, have been convinced I want to be a writer. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. But lately I’ve found that perhaps I can’t, and I can’t pursue that, that the insecurity of it is just too much, I can’t get myself to write at all these days, and it’s just… scary to have that sense of self being ripped from me. It’s not just that I’m afraid I’m not good enough, it’s also that the thing I used to dream about doing just feels like a burden to me now.

Nothing feels right, every day I realize how bad I am with dealing with little things. I have health anxiety, and that tends to get worse too. I can barely take care of normal every day things. I’m 22 and live at home (w my mentally abusive mother). It’s unhealthy and wrong, but there’s reasons I can’t leave, but that too makes me feel guilty; like I’m doing this to myself.

It just feels like endlessly waiting for a solution that won’t come; an idea that will never spark.
The things that make me happy are “unimportant” and can’t get me anywhere. I just use them now to get through, hoping there’s something on the other side.

It’s like I’m not ready yet, though I’m 22, I feel like I’m 17/18, I’m not ready for what I should already be doing or know how to do. I need help with so many things, I’m like a child and I feel bad about it every day, but I also cannot “grow up” because all that will be left is the overwhelming depression and pain that I cannot deal with right now. But again, I feel like that’s my fault, too.

This just turned into a (too long) rant, but I don’t know where else to go. I just needed to write about this.

[MikeA]

Hi!

First of all - you made a huge step writing this to people that you don’t know. It’s easier to just sit and do nothing, but you didn’t!

I don’t know what your mother are doing to you, but i understand what parental abuse means (both physical and mental). And i HATE my parents for that they never read any books about child psycology or how to raise a child. They just didn’t gave a damn about this and now i need to clear all this hell they caused in my head.

If i say that you can do anything now, what would you do? Be a writer?

[juniperhoney]

That’s a hard one.
In all fairness, my answer rn would just be ‘be happy’, really. I wouldn’t mind being a housewife and taking care of the house and not really having a job. I think I’d want to write but the idea of it being the job I’d rely on makes me nervous. I just want to feel stable, and safe, and content, I think.
Perhaps I’d want to work in a bookstore? I really don’t know, to be honest. Study something else? Teach ancient mythology? I don’t know, I really don’t.

Thank you for replying though, I really appreciate it <3

[MikeA]

Yoo won’t know until you try
You have a long life ahead, you can try all you want! Work in a bookstore for a couple of months or just go to some company in which you can get a good and stable salary for writing. One idea came to mind just now. Have you ever tried to write in social media? Like Facebook blog or something like that? I mean for free, at first. I started my hobby account on Instagram just for fun, but for 2 months i got huge happiness from people that commented and liked my posts.