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Feeling useless and helpless


#1

So its been awhile since I have been on here,and I haven’t been meaning to ignore this awesome place. August was just a really bad month, and rough to say the least. August 3rd though will always stand out though cause I got to meet Jake and Ben Sledge which was amazing cause he gave me super good advice. So did Jake and i even made new friends because of it, and things seemed okay. My ex boyfriend came at the end of August an I thought he was going to ask me to marry him cause we had almost been together for a year.

Than September came and on labor day I checked myself into inpatient treatment at the hospital cause I was extremely depressed and suicidal. I got out Sep 7th, and things seemed to be looking up but than this past week rolled around an everything just kinda of fell apart. Sunday was extremely bad cause my family made me feel like shit and got into shouting matches with my violent and abusive brother. And I’ll probably have a huge overdraft fee in my bank account…and i just feel helpless. I feel super alone and at almost 1:10 in the morning I really feel like relapsing or just ending it. Cause I feel like everything is pointless at the moment and that I’m not good enough.


#2

In the moment, anything can happen. Literally anything. I used to have suicidal thoughts while I was in the middle of my parent’s divorce when I was younger, and everything slows down right before you tell yourself “this is it, I’m going to end it.” It’s almost as if your body is telling you “no.” It’s awful. I went through that thought process twice, and if could’ve even gotten a glimpse of the man I’ve become today (now 9 years later), then I would have put the knife or the pills away immediately and never even thought about hurting myself again.

That being said, I have struggled with relapsing into pornography addiction ever since then, and that is a burden that I cannot even begin to lift alone. nobody should ever attempt to struggle alone with addiction. I have no idea what it feels like to be in your exact situation, but I know what it’s like to be in agony.

If you didn’t get anything else out of this, just remember that your life is precious, and caring for it is what you were born to do. Love yourself, even if it feels like nobody else will right now. It always gets better. always.


#3

Thanks for the reply, @Zwil_99 I just…its really hard to see a future for myself. Im just really struggling and I feel like I’m being ignored by people who i thought cared. It makes it alot harder to see the light , at the end of the dark tunnel.

Second thank you for sharing that bit of your story I can actually kind of relate, somewhat. I wouldnt say I’m addicted to porn but it is a very unwanted issue in my life that stems from another issue.

I guess my main issue is I feel like I feel off the bandwagon again and like my inpatient stay was pointless cause my family still doesnt get it. And I would talk to them about all of this but they are also part of the problem. So that just leaves my friends which i dont want to always bother cause I literally only have like five and im so scared of losing them.


#4

It can be hard to see your future, especially when everything falls apart at the seams. There will always be people who don’t truly care for your well-being, yet call themselves “friends”- It’s the awful truth about living.

I hope whatever you struggle with relapsing into is not something worth throwing your health or wellbeing away. Again, I have no idea exactly what it is, but I know it can be rough.

Normally if I were talking to someone about something like this, I would refer them to a close family member, but in this case, it may be better to rely on someone who is not part of the problem (of course, you knew that). I can’t tell you who you can rely on, but for me, sometimes I have to rely on myself and my experience to stay afloat.

and Maybe the bandwagon you fell off of was just not right for you, and the path you really need to follow is still to be found. It takes time to find it though, and its not going to be easy, but the payoff is life worth living. I had to find my purpose in life, and despite that, I’m still not sure if it will al work out in the end. But I have faith and that keeps me going every second of my life.


#5

Eya Jules,

oh boy, you’re in a bad place, I can tell. But I also see you making the right steps. When you needed help, you got help. You’re trying to sleep and eat right. Keep doing that. Keep to a regular schedule, even if you can’t sleep, just lie there listening to soft music and let your body rest.
I don’t know enough about your situation to really be able to offer any help, but what I can say about escaping my depression is: move away from people who make you feel like shit, and walk with those who make you feel like you’re worth something, who are willing to hug you and share a meal with you. Keep your feet warm and your head cool, let the sun shine of your face, and eat fruit, as much as you can stomach. Fruit is sunshine distilled into edible balls of energy.

Be well, friend. You’re not alone.

Martin / ThatOldDutchGuy


#6

@xojustjulesxo ,
This must have been really rough for you . but i am glad you met jake and ben. family relationships cal alway get rough to be honest. by the way YOU ARE NOT ALONE ! but please dont end your life you are important. by the way YOU ARE good enough. im sorry your feeling this way .


#7

also @xojustjulesxo ,

i never really told you guys this story but 3 years ago , my freshman year was the time where i relapsed very badly with a raiser yet ive oppened up about that my freshman year when i was still griefing over my grandfather and i ended up getting help for that.


#8

@xojustjulesxo,

That sucks. I’m sorry you have had to struggle with so much and see little support from those around you. But we can be that support for you! You’ll always be good enough, especially for us. I do hope that things are looking up for you, and that the next month brings you hope.
Keep your head up, you’re worth it.


#9

Hey @xojustjulesxo,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough time right now. I’m proud of you for recognizing that there’s an issue and choosing to seek help. It takes a lot of bravery to do that! You mentioned that you checked yourself into a hospital - have you considered see a licensed counselor regularly? I would highly recommend looking into doing this because you’ll feel better after every session and you get to put all of your problems on someone else’s shoulders - someone who will provide you with the right tools to fight back.

Also, you mentioned that you were typing your post at 1:10am in the morning. I would highly recommend trying to get to bed earlier. Timing your sleep is like timing an investment in the stock market – it doesn’t matter how much you invest, it matters when you invest. The deepest and most regenerative sleep occurs between 10 p.m. - 2 a.m. After 2am, your sleep becomes more superficial. The less sleep you get, the more susceptible you are to fluctuating emotions (for the worst). Anyway, I hope some of this helped!

-Eric


#10

Hey @xojustjulesxo here is our video response from our live stream: