Hello — this is my first time posting. I am not new to bouts of depression but I’m struggling hard with the one I’m going through now.
I am feeling very lonely. I feel like no one in my life wants to sit and listen to me or spend time with me when I’m like this. Maybe it’s because I’ve trained them to always think I’m fine, to think I’ll pull myself out of it eventually. I do tend to self isolate when I get depressed because I feel like I become a toxic waste dump when I’m like this. But even when I try to connect to people or try to power through, I realize no one ever asks if I’m fine. If I’m okay. They either seem to ignore my change in mood or give me advice that surmounts to “you need to figure out what’s bothering you and change it.”
But it’s my existence that bothers me. I’ve never had many friends — I know I’m afraid of intimacy and afraid of connecting. I’ve tried keeping up the relationships I do have but many either claim to want to connect and never do or tend to dump their own issues on me. I feel like a hypocrite being annoyed at that and then expecting people to do the same for me so I just keep my mouth shut.
I’m currently trying dating apps but it’s only emphasized how behind I feel socially. People have been kind and I’ve even been on a date or two but I feel so disconnected. Maybe the egg is on my face for trying to date in the middle of a depressive episode. I’ve never really dated and don’t have a lot of experience and it’s embarrassing.
I could go into details for paragraphs but all wrap it up with I don’t know how to pull myself out of this loneliness. It’s affecting my job, my ability to focus on things I like and the few relationships I do have. I want to get better but it feels like a tar pit.