This isn’t the most serious thing but I’m questioning myself as a negative , paranoid person. I went to travel for job training and learned so much. I met a lot of people and got to train in what I enjoy doing. Anyways, there was so much promotion of this being a safe space and I certainly did feel vulnerable. I’m bipolar and I used to work a lot in clubs where I was disrespected quite a bit. I’m finally going into a healthier career (body therapy/massage/ect). Anyways, it was a very positive environment, and one that allowed you to have extremely emotional moments. But something about it left a bad taste in my mouth. The training was good, I relaxed for the first time in a long time, and even felt myself tending to some of my own healing. So why should I feel this way? I think it felt so positive that I felt that if I didn’t act positive, I wouldn’t be welcome. I felt like I was wearing a mask most of the day. Everyone was either laughing or crying depending on where we were in our training/sharing stories…but it felt like it was one of those extremes. I’m a very blunt person. I tend to communicate with people when I feel like a grouch and need space or if I’m irritated to let me just stir and later I’ll lighten up. Here I felt as if I wasn’t acting positive and smiling, I wouldn’t be welcome. Everyone was obsessed with talking about spirituality and what they were “manifesting” . Something about it felt fake but maybe I’m also in my head and worried about what people think of me… I feel guilty for feeling this. Like maybe I’m not being open minded enough. I loved the training but I’m not sure how many of the people I really want to connect with. I’m able to get two more certifications but the thought of seeing some of those people honestly causes me dread. Maybe I’m ungrateful .
Im really glad that you’re out of a toxic work environment, Rosethorn. Even working in hospitality in cafes people could be gross, so I imagine it’s worse with the mix of drunk people!
I find a lot of massage/body therapy places or people have that deeper “spiritual” vibe to them. Maybe it’s their way of feeling in tune with the body, I’m not too sure.
I would imagine that not everyone on that retreat was fully happy and at peace, but maybe they’re the type of people who finds those environments restful and easy to relax in.
Perhaps that environment heightens their feelings of spirituality. Whatever the case, I’m sorry it felt like you have to sort of present this one side of yourself. I think the fact that you communicate when you’re not feeling in the best mood is wonderful! I think more people could learn from that to be honest.
You don’t sound ungrateful to me at all, you sound like someone who needs a bit more of a genuine feel to vibe with.
I wonder how it would look to communicate with them that you’re not feeling like your genuine self? It’s a tough one when the training has been good!
I guess the other question would be if there’s a way to get those certifications without having to attend?
Hi there @Rosethorn (cool username, by the way),
Firstly, congrats on your new career! I’m glad that you’re moving into a space that better respects you and enables you to be healthy.
It sounds like the crux of these concerns stems from that weird uncertainty that tends to sneak up in these new situations.
Feeling like you need to mask and handle the “fakeness” of these situations can also further those strange negative emotions, building frustration and disdain. It’s completely understandable that you don’t want to connect to others at an event that doesn’t allow you to be yourself and it’s not ungrateful to feel that way!
While I understand how it’s easy to feel guilty for emotions that aren’t positive, you haven’t done anything wrong and shouldn’t feel bad about this. Similarly, it’s valid to disagree with some parts of your experience; dissent doesn’t mean that you aren’t being open-minded – it just means that you have your own opinions. All your emotions are valid and okay, and I hope you feel better about the event soon. You’re valued and cared for, and I’m glad that you’re sharing with us.
<3 Tuna
P.S. I love that you’re blunt and are good about communicating your needs to others; this is such an important skill and it’s awesome to hear that you’re good about that.
I think a lot of your situation might be because of things like this in your past. With having a nicer environment, it does feel fake because you were conditioned in the past to having jobs where you weren’t valued as a person. You weren’t seen as an equal there. I might add that possibly, you might have been seen as a target.
Having bipolar disorder is extremely hard and difficult. I don’t know if you’ve managed to get a treatment plan started-- but if it’s not treated? It’s 10x harder on you. I know how it feels to mask, I have a high functioning depressive disorder, and it’s finally crashing and burning. I feel like you’re a very cautious person, and possibly because of past work experience (and maybe even relationships [platonic or romantic] ) you have become a “blunt” person because of that fear of what people might think of you. It’s okay in this situation to have a sense of being wary of others getting close to you.
I am glad that you are in a place that makes you feel at home, even if it does seem a bit skeptical. It’s great to hear that you can get more certifications under your belt as well! I would encourage to take this slow, and let these people share more about themselves with you. You might find out you have a lot more in common with your coworkers than you realize!
I will be sharing some resources down below that may help aid you from these distrusting feelings:
https://sourcesofinsight.com/how-to-overcome-mistrust/ (This one, in your case, I feel you might benefit better by journaling their suggestions)
'Trust Issues': Signs, Causes, and How to Overcome Distrust
Here is a guide to help with making a mental health journal:
I want you to feel confident, comfortable, and proud of yourself today. Sharing here takes a lot of courage, and I want you to know of your self worth. This here is 100 daily affirmations that you can start telling yourself when you wake up everyday: 100 Positive Self Affirmations That Will Change Your Life - EllDuclos
I’m rooting for your success in your future you’re starting for yourself. Keep us updated, alright?
Take care, @Rosethorn . Hoping for the best for you.
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