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Felling that i don't belong anywhere


#1

I am a person that love life and to laugh.I am the oldest of 12 children and i don’t really know where is my place in the family. I was raised that I needed to be there for the family and help my mom. I miss a lot of schooling because i had to babysat all of them. Even them i didn’t feel that i belong in the family, that I was totally different than them. Even when I got married it still continue, School and workplace is the same thing. So i am always wondering and putting even myself down because i feel that i am invisible every where that i am . I even like to tease staffs or customer because i want them to smile at life and make them happy for the day. but me it is a way to see if i am visible to people. I always been step on from family to staffs and boss. i work really hard and make sure that i did a great job , but still feel disappointed because it seen that is not enough for them. At home with my children is hard too. they want stuff right away but when you need them, it seem that they are all gone and I am not that important either. trying a new job for me and it seem i can’t even get that going,
Now I am wondering where should I be and where do I belong


#2

@crytear ,
Just letting you know you belong here, here on earth . You are visible and you are being heard, here. as you where questioning, take your time on where YOU should be , take baby steps. You belong here, and you deserve to be on earth you belong here and will always belong here.something that made me feel like i didn’t belong i guess was having to be there 24/7 for my friend and like like what do i do cause i would have time to me but not really bc she had issues going on at home and i had to support my friend , its been hard but ive been trying my best.with being there 24/7 for her sometimes i had to say hey i got to go because i needed my time and its sometimes hard to help her when i dont know exactly what shes going through.


#3

I’m not sure where you work, but, it sounds like you work in customer service. Which, to start with, if you were invisible, you wouldn’t have even been considered for the job, let alone accepted! I was told something on my first day at work (in customer service) and it’s really stuck with me since. That elderly woman/man you see alone in the store… You say hello or even just smile at them, could be the thing that makes their day, because, there’s a chance they live alone, and just that little interaction can make all the difference. You’re the complete opposite to invisible to that person.

Those siblings you missed school to look after? THEY SEE YOU. They appreciate that. People have different ways of showing their appreciation and love, just because it’s not in a way that we expect to see it - doesn’t mean that it’s not there. My dad is highly abusive, and honestly, not a good guy… But, he loves me, he just doesn’t show that through the way he talks to me… He drives across the damn country to visit my best friend. He takes me to concerts and sits outside a concert hall for 3 hours waiting for me. < I emotionally do so much for my family, and so, for me, I always believed he didn’t love me because of the way he treated me… however, it’s just that he doesn’t show his love the “normal” way… he does it in physical ways. It took me so long to see this, and Yea, his abuse still hurts me, and I still get the feeling that I’m not good enough for him, because honestly, compared to my sisters? I don’t think I am. However - I just have to remember that he’s unable to express love to me in that way… He does it his own way.

You’re not invisible. Your partner CHOSE YOU. Your employer, CHOSE YOU. Those customers CHOOSE to talk to YOU. You’re important. You matter.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#4

Thank you for posting Crytear, you are not alone.

I am the oldest of four, and I frequently gave up my life, and the things I enjoyed, so that I could help my mom raise my siblings. It has made me the person I am today, but I understand how heavy of a task that can be, let alone for 11 siblings.

You are a valuable sibling, and a loving parent, but people in life will let you down. I am so sorry you feel invisible, but I hope you take pride in how you love the people in your life. Giving love, being there for people, that should be without expectation of reciprocation. It’s okay to feel unseen, and undervalued. Those are valid emotions, and hard to deal with. I hope that regardless of this, you are proud of how you behave, and how you love. If you aren’t, maybe its time to take care of yourself. If folks aren’t giving you the love you need, you might consider telling them how you are feeling. Let them know you would like to spend time with them, one on one. Perhaps you let your supervisor know that the way you would like to be managed, is with recognition and positive reinforcement.

I know that can be super hard. Caregivers, people who naturally care for people, are often left feeling undervalued, or taken advantage of. I know that you feel badly about people not being there for you. It’s important to be proud of who you are, and recognize that your past has molded you this way. You are a giving and caring person. Not everyone is like you, and so the people in your life may not behave as you do. Some people show love in different ways. It might be important to take a step back, and recognize that maybe they are showing you love in ways that might not be immediately recognizable to you.

I hope you know that you are worthy of love, and you are a generous person and should be proud of that. Be well friend, hold fast.


#5

Sometimes I also feel like I’m not sure if I belong anywhere other than my dance community. Maybe things will make more sense when I have a job.


#6

Crytear,

First…YOU ARE NOT ALONE! So many of us have felt this way…and understand the struggle and the conflicts that come as a result! I spent my childhood raising a sibling…and then later basically parenting my parents. And to this day, I’m not sure if they really comprehend what that required of me, took from me, and how it has effected my life. I am in my 40’s, so I’ve had a lot of years to work through this stuff (with many counseling sessions and mentors to help me work through it). The very hard truth, which I refused to believe for the first couple years, is that I have to take control of this! I had to take my power back…family and friends do not actualy have the authority to designate my value! And only I can control how I respond to the disappointments. Find ways to set boundaries (for yourself). I don’t know how old your kids are, but there may need to be an age appropriate conversation where you just share with them the process of what it takes to provide those things. Its not their responsibility to worry about those things, but I do see value in explaining the process in order to help them to appreciate what you do and understand what it takes to provide what they are asking for. I used to have long conversations with my son (now 22) about wants vs. needs. And in moments (especially during puberty) when he not only said hurtful things, but then proceeded to blame me for every bad feeling he ever had. I would tell him matter of fact, that is mean or hurtful, talking to me like that isn’t acceptable…I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m going to treat you like a grown up (as he asked) and share that in life he has to take charge of his emotions and not put it all on me. It may take them a long time for that to sink in totally, but it also helps you to put it right in your mind. Kids are not always rational. If they are older, I’d just share that you miss them and need them, when you aren’t highly emotional so that they can hopefully hear it without getting defensive. In my opinion, your value comes from your creator. If you can believe that, it helps to reduce the impact of others actions and opinions…so that you can feel confident in the fact that you were born with a value that no one can take away! And then you just work on believing that and it will effect the amount of joy you get out of life. I believe in you, because YOU DO MATTER! I don’t even have to know you to believe this!


#7

thanks everyone. I haven’t told the whole truth about my life. my dad was verbally abusive and mentally just not to me to the whole family. When i got married and start to have children my house was not the cleanest but my mom was always putting me down for that in from of my siblings, if it was not for that it was my weight. I was always doing something wrong. now i have moved far for my family and friends because, I need it a break from everything because every one wanted us to help them and or drive them but how could a do every things because i was almost never home and working a full time job. at work got sexually verbally abuse there and the managers only laugh at me, but didn’t do anything. trying to help peoples but i don’t expect anythings. trying to ever come every things and plus when i moved i found out i have anxiety disorder. i only have 2 best friends and they are trying to help me out too. my hubby is a sweet heart he is trying to help me out too but sometime he doesn’t know how. in the years i have moved only 2 brothers and my parents came and visit me. the first time when i went back home , my dad told me that he might not be my dad. and almost 3 yrs later i took him in to help him after a massive stroke, 6 months before that i lost my mother-in-law to cardiac arrest and it got me broken. while my dad was here the abuse continue until i put my foot down. so i have try as hard has i could but he didn’t even care for me. when i saw him after he was back home he told me with the the honor finger to got away. but when he was at the hospital it is where i saw him for the last time, i had pass the whole week with him and still hurt me until the day before i leave that he said he was sorry and that he love me. and he died few days after. but during that time almost none of my family came and visit me there. i felt i was a burden for them. i didn’t had the money to go down and some of them pay for my flight. so i slept at the hospital in the room of my dad. so lately my feeling are up and down. trying to get over that.


#8

yes you do belong somewhere. but if you want you can be my friend


#9

@crytear Hold Fast