Fighting alone

[Misty]

Hi everyone, I’m new here. I don’t really know where to reach out for help anymore but I found this community so I thought I’d give it a go. Honestly reaching out has been really difficult for me recently and that’s probably why I’ve been feeling really alone. I’ve been struggling with severe depression and anxiety, and I went through a really traumatic breakup from a toxic relationship. It’s been nearly a year since the breakup but I don’t feel like I’m better at all.

I feel like nobody really understands me or what my mind is going through. I feel scared and alone. I think the breakup triggered something in me that makes me extremely self-conscious or paranoid, because I feel like my friends secretly hate me. I talk to them and sometimes offer to hang out, but I realize that it’s usually me who asks to hang out, and after we do I feel like they didn’t really enjoy it and they’re just tolerating me. I don’t think I’m comfortable enough to regularly message them or tell them a lot about what’s going through my mind.

My relationship with my family is okay… but it’s complicated at the same time. I don’t really talk to them much about mental health stuff and how I really feel. It comes from childhood trauma from the way they treated me, so I don’t really have the most honest relationship with them. We hang out and do activities together, and sometimes that helps but doing that also exhausts me.

I guess I just miss the comfort and security I had with my ex. I’m at least proud to say that I’m over the relationship, and I’m unlikely to go back to it, but I miss being comfortable and safe with someone where I can be myself and just freely say how I feel without feeling judged. I don’t think my friends and family really get that side of me, I think they’d just find me annoying. A lot of people in my life seem to think I’m annoying or too much, and it just makes me sink back into my shell and want to hide. It sucks so bad. It’s made me extremely conscious about myself and I tend to hold back more or stay quiet.

I have such big dreams and I’m fighting everyday and trying so hard but it feels like I have thoughts that tell me I’m annoying, or I’m not trying enough, or I’m not good enough. That’s what’s hurting me a lot right now. I feel like I’m not working hard enough to reach my goals. It seems easy, but something’s stopping me or scaring me.

I feel alone and I’m genuinely terrified of how I’m gonna be able to live. I’m on the verge of giving up. I used to be suicidal, I guess it comes and goes, and I can say right now that I’m not, but I feel scared of life if that makes any sense at all. If I could sum my feelings up in a metaphor it’s like riding a bike without the training wheels for the first time and you’re going and going, and it’s fun at first but now I’ve been overcome with the fear that I might fall over, so I keep going but now it’s no longer fun and I just want the comfort and safety the training wheels gave me. If that makes sense at all.

Anyways, thank you for reading this. I have the tendency to say a lot but I guess it’s because I’m used to being quiet and not being heard.

[Micro]

Hey @Misty,

Welcome in! And thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this. It’s not a lot at all. It’s about your life, about you, so actually it’s far from being a lot. And if you feel the need to talk: do it as much as you need. That’s what this place is for. That’s why we are here and are willing to encourage each other. It’s also the priviledge of the people who will read your posts to learn to know you better! There will always be someone to read your words and respond to you here. It really is a safe space to share about how we feel without having to wear any mask or filter.

All the things you share really make sense. This feeling of loneliness that was increased after your breakup, the grief you are going through because of it, your good-yet-not-good relationships with your family especially because of childhood traumas, the struggles of depression and anxiety, the fears of being a burden to others… I can personally say that I relate a lot to what you’ve described. There are words I could have written myself. Our stories are of course different, but I do see and surely feel some of the things you’ve described there. You are not alone, Misty. And for what it’s worth, I’m damn proud of you for benig honest here about all of this, for being your vulnerable self.

I’ve been struggling with severe depression and anxiety, and I went through a really traumatic breakup from a toxic relationship. It’s been nearly a year since the breakup but I don’t feel like I’m better at all.

Have you received some help for any of this? (counseling, friends, etc). Because there’s a lot at play there. Depression and anxiety are some tough personal demons to tackle. But on the top of it, going through 1/ a toxic relationship and 2/ a traumatic breakup, are also things that surely takes time to process, mourn and heal from.

Oftentimes, when such important events happen, we are caught in the middle of the storm and the need for action. There is no time to rest, think or feel really. It’s only later on, once some calm has been settled again, that we tend to have this wave of emotions and grief that catches us. And honestly there’s not a timeline to follow on that matter. There’s no due date that would say that you should be over it. It really is a personal process, and being aware of how you feel through it all is a real strength.

I feel like nobody really understands me or what my mind is going through. I feel scared and alone.

That is unfortunately how it often feels when we are struggling. I struggle with depression, anxiety and past traumas, and I can tell that I share the same fears as you do. Whenever I am “visible” or connect with the people I love, I feel like I am bothering them. That I’m really annoying. Just a burden overall. So I tend to retreat and hide. There’s a kind of urge to isolate myself because putting myself out there is always consuming and makes me navigate an insame amount of fears and doubts, which is sometimes just too much to deal with.

Depression/Anxiety are like uninvited people in our mind though. They’re good at spreading lies. It’s this person who, after hearing you saying some kind of affirmation, would ask: “are you sure though?”, or “what if?”. It’s always turned towards negativity and self-deprecation. And I think something really important is to acknowledge when our mind is tricking us and when it’s really, objectively telling the truth. It’s challenging though because we also feel these thoughts and emotions in our body. It’s overwhelming and feels so real. But that doesn’t mean that our perception is true.

For example, you feel like you have been annoying for your friends. Do you have any objective proof of that? Did they ever tell you that? On the opposite, what are the proofs that you have at your disposal that they actually appreciate you and care about you?

When our mind wanders in unfriendly places like these, it’s important to hold on to rational and practical things that can contradict these thoughts. It takes time to get used to it, but it’s a practice that’s worth it. Whenever you identify a thought as made of self-deprecation, you can try to see it as a red flag and something to challenge.

Anxiety also makes us extremely self-conscious and it sucks. So much. When I go outside and walk in a busy street, I can’t help thinking that people are thinking bad things/judging me. I feel seen, but also that what people see is absolutely uninteresting and worthless. And for sure, it’s hard to feel confident with others when we have a hard time with embracing our own value and worth.

As someone who also carries the burdens of childhood traumas, and have been in your situation with family members, I understand how this uneasy type of relationship feels. And I can tell that, honestly, after a traumatic childhood it gets really hard to find our place in the world. A lot of the hurt that happens in these circumstances was based on losing the trust and safety we were looking for in our family, from people who were supposed to give that to us. When some of us couldn’t find it in the first place it was supposed to be, it makes the whole world appear as a giant threat, and relationships as potentially hurtful. People can only think bad things about us. We can only be worthless and seen as such. That’s what we have learned from an early age. And it surely takes time to learn to approach life and relationships differently.

I’ve only stopped talking to my parents last year, and it has certainly increased a sense of loneliness too. It’s even more challenging with the celebrations incoming that are often pictured as a time for connection and family. It would make sense that this loneliness is increased for you too during this season. It can really be a painful reminder for many of us.

But I want you to know that you are not alone. Really. There is so much to say and I hope that my response here is not too scattered. I really want to emphasize that I appreciate your post and the fact that you reach out the way you do. I hope our conversations here are going to counteract this loneliness that you’ve been carrying. I promise you that none of what you have shared would make you weird or unlovable. It’s a real honor to have the possibility to know you not just as how you’d like to appear to people, but as how you feel truly. What’s in your heart is what matters the most. Your vulnerability is a gift to us, and hopefuly it’s going to be a strength to you.

[Mystrose]

Hii I second @Micro and wanted to add this. I hope you can find some peace.

@Misty

I went through a really traumatic breakup from a toxic relationship

@Misty

I guess I just miss the comfort and security I had with my ex.

Can you tell me how being in a toxic relationship gives you comfort and security?

[Sita]

hi there new friend,
I’m so g lad we have the priviledge of being here for you. Thank you for your post and your trust in us.

A breakup is hard, it’s harder when it’s toxic because it can shift the way we see and value ourselves. Constantly being treated a certain way or told certain things in such a relationship affects and distorts the way we think we believe in the world too.

I’m glad you got out of that relationship. Your analogy of the bike is so good, it’s how being single after such an intense relationship feels! The having to learn how to be “one” in the world when you were used to being part of a “two”.

But!! The good news is that you now have so many opportunities to be whoever you want to be, without anyone limiting you! Not your former partner, not your family, not even your friends.

Is it possible that the negative voice you used to hear in your relationship is what you’re applying to yourself now? The way you are thinking you’re not fun to be with from your friends’ point of view, etc. - could that all be a way your brain is trying to replicate the conditions you were in while in a toxic relationship?

You deserve to be happy and at peace. You’re good enough as you are.

[Misty]

Thank you for your reply! I’m glad that this place exists, I do feel a sense of relief and safety.

I started new counseling sessions at my uni today after running out of free sessions with another service. The last counselor I had was really good, and the new one I had today seems good too. I have friends but I feel like I can’t always talk to them about how I feel, and I’m not comfortable talking about it with them. Except for one friend who’s a bit older than me and knows more about mental health and dealing with anxiety, he’s been really helpful but again I don’t want to keep bugging him everytime I feel low. He doesn’t reply much because he’s busy which is okay, and we’re in different countries. Sometimes we get to hang out over Discord and it’s great.

I’m working on changing the way I think, because I do have a lot of negative, self-depracating thoughts that seem to be my default way of thinking. My counselor mentioned this too and we’re trying to work towards changing the way I think about myself eg telling myself “I’m annoying” vs telling myself “I’m fun”. I guess I became extremely self conscious of my personality because I can be hyper and like to make a lot of jokes and try to lighten the mood because I love making people smile and laugh. I’ve been told that I was too much and I need to tone it down by a high school counselor. I hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but as I grew up and realized that not everyone around me acts the same way I do or have the same sense of humor, I felt really different and compelled to actually tone down to fit in. But I find that I’d rather be myself than be in environments where I can’t.

More recently though, I feel like I’m being annoying because I’m in such a stressful place in life. I’m aware of my emotions and I think a lot, and I like talking about how I feel. But I don’t want to bring the mood down or seem like I always talk about myself. I had a friend a few years ago who told me my problems aren’t real, and a bunch of other invalidating things I’ve probably blocked out by now (we’re clearly no longer friends). But the effects of that friendship seem to have lasted until now because I’ve become conscious of how much I vent.

Your response means a lot to me, and I had tears of joy reading it because finally I don’t feel like a burden, like I can just vent safely. I’m a pretty open person, which I suppose backfires when I feel invalidated. But I really appreciate your reply and I feel a lot better reading it!

[Misty]

Thank you! I should’ve clarified that the relationship became really toxic towards the end. My ex and I, for the majority of the relationship, were each others rock. We supported each other through a lot of troubles and looked forward to a future together. The breakup was nasty because we found we had different values with the relationship, it was at the height of the pandemic, and we couldn’t meet eye to eye with the issues that arose. A lot of dishonesty, broken trust and issues with communication.

I could go out of the house more with my ex. We would eat out for dinner, or go for walks together. We did a lot of things together and I was comfortable because I wasn’t physically alone. I’m not used to leaving the house alone because of my protective parents, so being with my ex meant we/I could go out and do stuff when we wanted especially at night. I live with my parents, so they ask where I’m going, with who, etc. Although now it’s understandable for them that as an adult I can go out alone. It’s kind of embarrassing now that I think about it. I just felt more “independent” because they never had to question where I’m going because it’s expected I’d be with my ex.

I don’t want to make it sound like I can’t leave the house without this specific person. I mean, I’m more comfortable going out to places with someone I’m comfortable with. I could go out by myself, I just don’t have the motivation to because it seems boring and pointless to go somewhere alone. I hope this makes sense, it’s kind of hard to explain.

The relationship also gave me comfort and security because I could always message my ex or talk to them without feeling like I’m being annoying. Whether we were physically together, messaging or texting, or on a call, we always had something to talk about. The conversations were great, entertaining, and I never felt dumb for not knowing anything. I’m finding it hard to be this casual with my friends. I’m always conscious that they’ll think I’m stupid, lame, boring, or needy.

The ability to message my ex was extremely helpful when I had a job. I was extremely anxious every shift, and I could message or text them when I had nothing to do or when something bad happened. I could let out what I was thinking at the time, so it doesn’t fester in my mind and make me more anxious during downtimes when I’d be alone at work waiting for the next orders.

I just liked knowing that there was always someone there. Towards the end they threw around the idea that we were co-dependent. Maybe we were. I think I’m more independent now and I like being single, but it sucks not having someone I could just have a conversation with comfortably. One thing that’s bothering me is that my heightened anxiety has stopped me from getting a part-time job because I can’t stand feeling alone even with my coworkers. It felt nice knowing there was someone I could talk to during work, and look forward to doing stuff when we came home. I’m scared that this is something I have to live with, because I’m probably more social than I think so I like being able to talk to someone regularly and get my thoughts out.

[Misty]

Hello! I think experiencing the breakup itself has made me more self-conscious and have less self-worth. It’s one thing to have friends come and go but having someone I was with for years leave really makes it feel like I’m not good enough. It feels like it affirms every negative thing about me.

Thank you for your kind words, I am working on telling myself that I am good enough

[Sita]

hello again,

I must say, that reading your posts are very enlightening. You’ve written them well, and I see in you a few of my friends who felt/been in similar situations. I had one who was so uncomfortable with being alone, and another who couldn’t eat alone, like nowhere alone. She’d had to go find someone she knew to be able to eat lunch, and I was glad she was able to make friends wherever she went so that she’d be able to eat.

Another one of my friends had to deal with the parental inquisition when he moved back from college. he went from independent living, studying at whatever hours for him, to being asked what time he was coming back home, who he was going out with etc. In my country, those are the basic questions all parents and family ask when you’re leaving the house, but it was a big readjustment to always have to explain. Worse was when he just wanted to take a drive to chill because it was a nice night, his parents would be like “What do you mean you want to take a drive to just… drive around?” They sort of got a bit better with it once they got to know his friends and they realized that they had to get used to the idea of him going on when he felt like it, but always being available by phone when it got late.

So i get that part of what you’re saying. I’d like to maybe see if we can extract some good stuff about YOU, and not because of your ex.

You felt comfy in that relationship, and learnt how to express yourself and have fun. You allowed yourself to shine and be open, and sparkly without fearing that it was too much, or too loud etc.
You opened up your heart and let someone in, and you blossomed and grew.

These are all things within you, not owed or owned by your ex. This is all you.

Sure, you may have to find he right group or a new friend who ‘gets’ you and who you allow yourself to shine with again, but you did it once, and it went brilliantly! You can totally do it again.

Once you start to have some more positive self-talk, and celebrate all the good things about yourself, your little quirks that make you special, etc, then you’ll feel more at ease.
Beating yourself up with your words just makes every moment harder. I’m hoping your new counselor can help you with this.

Celebrate you, and know you’re good enough for everything

[Misty]

@Sita

Another one of my friends had to deal with the parental inquisition when he moved back from college. he went from independent living, studying at whatever hours for him, to being asked what time he was coming back home, who he was going out with etc.

Yes this is exactly the same thing that I go through! It must be a cultural thing too because I feel like everyone else doesn’t get “moderated” by their parents lol.

@Sita

Sure, you may have to find he right group or a new friend who ‘gets’ you and who you allow yourself to shine with again, but you did it once, and it went brilliantly! You can totally do it again.

This is definitely a goal I hope that I’ll be able to find a friend or group where I can finally be myself. Lots of people find friends and groups that they have for years, so I hope that I do!

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hey Misty, Welcome to Heart Support, I am so pleased that you found us too.I really cannot add anything to what has already been said by my friends @Micro @Sita and @Mystrose

@Misty

I miss being comfortable and safe with someone where I can be myself and just freely say how I feel without feeling judged.

I would like to welcome you once again Friend, you have found a place where you can do just that and I am happy for you. You are not alone, you have friends here, message anytime. You are a worthwhile, valuable person who deserves the health and happiness that you are looking for. You are a beautiful Human being…
Much Love Lisa

[Misty]

Hi Lisa! Thank you for your reply. I have felt a lot happier and lighter since talking about how I feel here. You too are valued and loved, and I’m so appreciative of your kind words. I look forward to making friends here!

[Micro]

Hey again @Misty,

Just stopping by as I’ve read your reply a while ago and have yet to come back to you. In the meantime, know that your vulnerability and honesty is very much appreciated here, and sharing your life will never be too much, on the contrary.

This week is also on the theme of creative encouragement at HeartSupport, and since you’ve added this adorable bunny as your pfp, I wanted to send a (derp) reminder of love your way with this drawing. It’s not much, but I hope it gives a bit of extra-love to be felt in your heart today.

PS - Feel free to join our Discord server and hang out with the rest of the community during live streaming on Twitch. Here are the links - it would be amazing to see you there, whenever you can/would like to!

• discord.gg/heartsupport
• Twitch

[Misty]

Hi @Micro! Thanks for replying! I love that cute little drawing! It’s a rabbid, right? I love doing art and I’ve been doing some creative stuff during my uni break. I’m taking a chance and submitting a short essay to a local zine, which I’ve never done before but I’m excited about it. I might share some of my artwork here too! Thanks for sharing that drawing, it did bring a smile to my face, and I love bunnies so this was perfect!

[Micro]

I’m taking a chance and submitting a short essay to a local zine, which I’ve never done before but I’m excited about it.

That’s amazing! What is it about? If I may ask.

I might share some of my artwork here too!

Feel free! Creativity can be so important. There’s always something special when someone shares their own creations.

Happy to bring a smile as well!

Getting back to your other reply:

I’ve been told that I was too much and I need to tone it down by a high school counselor. I hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but as I grew up and realized that not everyone around me acts the same way I do or have the same sense of humor, I felt really different and compelled to actually tone down to fit in. But I find that I’d rather be myself than be in environments where I can’t.

That’s an amazing conclusion, and I can tell through your words taht you’ve already been through some deep inner reflection actualy. What this counselor told you at the time wasn’t fair - and doesn’t mean anything really when we think about it: too much compared to what? Being yourself is the best gift you can offer to this world, and people who appreciate you genuinely will never see you as too much or not enough something. I bet the energy you provide around you can be very uplifting! I had a coworker before who was like this. She’s not around anymore but she was the pure definition of a ray of sunshine. Always had a lot of energy, always the first to bring light in a room just with her presence, volunteernig for a lot of things and just ready to involve herself in different projects. For some people that kind of energy could be draining, for others it’s the opposite! It’s really a matter of jusst meeting the right people.

But the effects of that friendship seem to have lasted until now because I’ve become conscious of how much I vent.

Yea, I guess there’s always a balance to find. But as long as there is a clear communication with friends, then it can really work without being invalidated and without having to shut yourself down. I think oftentimes we are scared to ask things clearly. Even just asking: “are you emotionally available right now to talk?” can go a long way to begin a conversation, and make sure everyone remains safe through it. Your past friend could have expressed how they were feeling in a way that wouldn’t have dismissed how you were feeling. Generally, people tend to accuse others of being the source of the issue, which is unfortunate, because in reality it’s a complex combination between both needs. It takes two people to create a relationship.

On a different note, are you still seeing your university counselor? Is it going well?

You’re loved.

[Misty]

The zine is for migrant youth here and I’ve only heard about it recently, but it got me really interested in making zines and joining the zine community. I’ve written about my personal experience as a migrant during the pandemic in the past year and how I’ve used technology to connect with family overseas. I also wrote about connecting with my local community and making new friends. The idea of making zines is fun, and there seems to be a creative culture around it in my city so I really wanna get involved!

@Micro

What this counselor told you at the time wasn’t fair - and doesn’t mean anything really when we think about it: too much compared to what?

It’s really annoying how much that has stuck with me. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but now even though circumstances are different and I’m older, it still seems to ring true. I just always feel like my personality and sense of humor doesn’t click with a lot of people I meet. I don’t think I’m far too out there that I’m unrelateable or anything, maybe my social skills just need work. It sucks because I sometimes encounter groups of friends and I overhear their conversations, and I feel like I could really fit in. These are usually in places like stores though so even if I said something to them it’ll more likely be a passing comment than trying to start a friendship lol

I believe there’s people out there for me, I just never get to find them or meet them. Or I’m afraid of rejection, or them thinking I’m weird like with my current friends. Or I don’t pursue the friendship enough and I blow it. It feels like there’s more people who find me draining rather than a ray of sunshine, to sort of relate to your story about your coworker

I’m still seeing my university counselor, my second appointment is in a few days. I’m worried about the long-term though. I feel like I have a lot to work on and I believe these sessions are targeted towards the short-term. I only have one more year of uni left too and that’s worrying me a lot.