I was not assaulted but some of what im gonna say might hit close to home for others and i wanted to be safe.
anyway hi heartsuppporttt.
I’ve been back home for a month or two. i enjoy being in my room and home. i got a job at sephora. my coworkers are so nice. but i am a bit worried about the soul-suck of retail.
but whats on my mind is just this emptiness in me. and theres so much of me that is constantly reaching and reaching to fill it. some nights i have a really good time doing my hobbies, and then i think about how good it feels. and then i want to repeat that every day or as much as i can. cause i love feeling good! i love feeling like im improving at the things im doing. I love creating art that i think shows the world who i am. but it kinda becomes an all-day thing.
One thing i like to do sometimes is make mini-at home music videos to songs i love. i show off my makeup, videos of places i go, things i do. Its kinda like a supercut of everything i find inspiring. and i love doing this. But every time im listening to a song i like, I think oh i could make a video for this. i should wear this. i should go here. i should edit it like this, etc. And then i kinda realize that it doesn’t feel like im accomplishing something unless i do that. but i can’t make a video for every good song. and then i feel some sort of desperation. do yall get that? and i do that with a lot of things. like my cities skylines savegame that ive been working on. or my makeup looks. or music making. or i think about how i wanna paint. its like. i wanna be this creative powerhouse. and i also feel like an idiot because i post almost every makeup look i do on instagram. part of me likes having this catalog of my art and how it changes/improves over time. but part of me is left unsatisfied. have any of you guys experienced this and how have you made sense of it, if at all?
this feeling also heavily influences how i go about romantic/sexual connection. i wanna connect with a guy so bad. but it never feels possible. it feels like from the get-go the guy is instantly moving in a direction i dont wanna go. they always wanna go sexual. and i want to sometimes too. but i have so many hang-ups around sex. A confusing journey with HPV and having to change my diet if i want to reliably participate in gay sex just make sex a seemingly insurmountable task. so there’s that. its like… even if i wanted to participate i feel so cut off. so every time a guy starts talking sexual… which is always instant… i just get this emotion that feels like an exhausted sigh or something, a weight forms in my eyes. im partially mad at the cards ive been dealt and partially mad at men for not being able to care about something beyond its sex appeal.
thereforrrre, i try to let guys know that im looking for someone patient and understanding. and sometimes guys are willing to do that. but then part of me thinks oh theyre just gonna pretend to care until i have sex with them… unless i wait too long and then theyre gonna get annoyed and go find someone who does wanna fuck
and you know… it really seems like that is the case. I went to this guy’s house last night and he and i agreed that we would hang out at his place, watch TV and get a little physical. But i told him i did not and could not have sex. when i got there, he was really drunk. he seemed really cool. but then i started to feel really funky. he was so cool and charming and funny, but it felt like it didn’t matter that it was /me/ there. like i couldve been any other guy. and when he started talking about his past sexual experiences i started getting insanely anxious (insecurity? jealousy?) But i had NEVER met this guy before. why was i feeling like that? and then he was pretty quick to get physical and a little bit aggressive. when i realised how strong he was, i got really really scared. he definitely was pushing some boundaries with his aggressiveness. and then he said he didnt care if i could have sex and he wanted to fuck. Im pretty sure he thought i was equally as into it as him and also wanted to have sex. but i dont know. he was also drunk. then when i told him no that was a bad idea, he kinda shoved me off of him and told me to go ‘fix it’ under his breath. meaning i should go to the bathroom and get ready for gay sex (trying not to be too graphic, its a process). i froze when he did this. i just laid there. then he told me to go fix it again. and i said i didnt want to. and then he grabbed me by the throat and said “did i ask?” and that was the scariest moment. there were several times throughout the night where it seemed like he might just snap and use his strength to do whatever he wanted. a 6’6 strong man would be hard to stop. so i was in freeze mode. when he grabbed my throat and pushed his arm off and told him to stop… he tried to calm me down and understand what was going on. but i dont think he fully understood how unsafe i felt. i think he thought it was some erotic rough play or something and maybe we just weren’t on the same page about that. But im trying to tell myself that even if thats the case, he is responsible for telling me what he wants, what kind of sexual dynamic he wants/expects. he can’t just do that without consent. i told him “I dont know you, I dont know what youre gonna do at any given moment. Im scared. I thought you were gonna hurt me”. he did try to comfort me kinda but then he just fell asleep and i left. he texted me today and said ‘you wanna try that again?’ and i said ‘no. that was a lot.’ and he blocked me.
part of me wonders if, from his side, we had great chemistry and it was a casual fun time. like what if its just my anxiety and my fears that turned that situation into something scary and lacking in any sort of meaningful connection. maybe he did like me and did like that i was there and was curious about me as a person i dont know. thats the thing i struggle with the most, is that I DONT KNOW ANYTHING. im just swimming in foggy water. i dont know the answers. like i dont know what truly happened last night it feels like. all i know is he was hot and i was scared and now im confused. does that make sense?
i dont know how to feel. i don’t feel like a total victim of anything or else i would really lean into that emotion. but i also dont feel like i did anything wrong. its this middle ground thats really fuzzy. and i think thats where the hole in my soul is and where that desperation lives too. but like i said its so fuzzy. i just wish i could have a love like the movies you know? i know everyone does. but i just want to look in someones eyes and see that they truly care about me no matter what. i dunno. this little (or extremely long) entry is kinda my attempt at spending time doing something that might soothe me a little or bring me closer to some feelings that i can identify and nurture.