So something I have battled with along with all the other stressors that life has placed in front of me is my sexuality.
I believe it’s been about four years- at first I thought I was a lesbian, than I thought maybe I was just trying to fit into a certain group of people so I thought I was straight, then bi, then questioning pansexual, and then asexual… all I have to say is it’s been a bumpy ride. But like an old wooden rollercoaster made fifty years ago… if you have ridden the wooden rollercoaster that I have you would understand.
Anyways- I digress.
Recently a YouTube I watch named Jessie Paege put out two videos explains her coming out story and her sexuality. And she talked about something I never heard before- demisexuality, which is where you do not feel romantic attractions for people until you get close to them- and with this sexuality you use demi as a prefix- so for me it is Demi-bisexuality. I have questioned whether I am Demi-pansexual- but I’m pretty sure I fit better with demi-bisexual.
Now all this time i still kind of feel like crap because all these years I just never knew my sexuality- I came out as gay to my parents and the internet (meaning like Facebook family friends yada yada) so I always felt intimidated about coming out again… it’s kind of a story that you don’t really see anywhere. You see people come out but… not really come out again as a different sexuality.
Also I bought a shirt that said “nobody knows I’m a lesbian” and that- I am ashamed to admit- held me back, because I wore it to school and out and about and… yeah.
I don’t know how to come out again- i don’t know when I will. I’m just really glad that I finally understand my sexuality… now I know I’ve said that twenty times before but this time, it just makes sense. And it fits. I know that I don’t have to label myself, and it’s ok if my sexuality changes… but it just feels nice because- it just feels nice.
Another thing is honestly I don’t think I’ve liked someone- kind of ever. Like I’ve had silly crushes but I’ve never gotten to know anyone to a point where I actually felt it in my heart that I liked them- I think if you have ever dated someone or are married or just really like someone you will know what I’m talking about.
All in all- I apologize for my essay of a post, but I’m just glad to finally know who I am. It finally makes sense. And right now it is making me so happy I want to cry.
I love you guys. Thank you for being here for me when I am lost. Hold fast.
Lyss (your old pal Blurryface)
PS: I passed all my classes in my senior year of college- even AP Stats. I’m still amazed at that.
PPS: today marks 20 days self injury free. Thank you all for being there when the fight gets too hard to bear.
PPPS: I freaking love you all so much. You mean the world to me.