First-half-of-this-felt-like-i-wrote-it-myself-sup

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Belongs to: https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/34619
First half of this felt like I wrote it myself. Super relatable. Thanks for sharing.

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@dbevino glad it could be helpful!

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When our life breaks, we find ways to fix it, right? Realizing rejection is just part of it, we find safer ways to exist. The problem when we begin to internalize the voice of rejection is that it outlasts those relationships. And years and years and years later, we find ourselves in the quiet of our own thoughts rejecting ourselves, judging ourselves, criticizing ourselves. The pain ends up being something we can insulate ourselves in the moment. It’s like… we think the walls we build will keep us safe, keep the pain out, but when we become the voice of judgment in our own lives, it means we’re locked in by ourselves with no one to teach us a new way of relating to and accepting ourselves.

I would do the same thing with criticism. I had coaches growing up who I felt I could never please. No matter how hard I tried, I always felt I fell short. So I started to have a hawk eye for my own mistakes so when they would criticize me it was like, “Yeah I already know I needed to close the angle like this instead.” It felt safer. But now I’m 20 years removed from that season of my life, and I’m still hyper vigilant of my own mistakes.

Relatable for sure.

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@heartsupport I can totally relate to that idea of being hyper-aware of your own flaws so that you can insulate yourself from being hurt. And you are so right, they are just walls. It doesn’t erase the reality. There is great freedom in accepting flaws but incredibly hard to do it when you’re surrounding by criticism rather than someone truly trying to “coach” you, build you up, and lovingly help you. Finding that God had a perfect love for me in spite of my flaws gave me a peace and assurance that there was a perfect love that couldn’t be shaken when all other love I saw in the world had contingencies. Really appreciate hearing your experiences and perspective.