on Aug 24th I first posted my life story here. Since then I have met wonderful people and have gone through some development (I am not sure if I shall call it progress) but I do better with some situations, and my life in general.
There are ups and downs, and the ups feel good, and the downs hurt. There is still hardly a day I don’t think about suicide, sometimes just out of the fear that after the up a down will follow again.
The last week I made a first step forward. I always wanted to learn how to draw, and I eventually checked some online courses. I have talked with artists and desginers on HS and other communities and decided to step right into digital drawing and after some recommondations I decided for a digital drawing tablet which arrived yesterday.
I still need to get a feeling for the software and holding a pen again (I usually just use a pen for signing something or making short notes) and to find the right position, after my wrist started to hurt early. But I already got some small progress in setting up brushes and the tablet, and I have an entry point when I decide to continue.
I try not to pressure myself with early success, I take the speed in the online classes that I am feeling compfortable with. I try not to feel bad, if I take it slowly as I want to do it as self therapy, and not to achive something for someone else (as I did with everything in my past)
My general goal is to express the images and my feelings in my head, what is going on, and if I am ready to share, I will do so on the HS discord.
I do this for me. For noone else. I do not push myself. I do take the time I need and I want. I do not have the feeling I need to proove something to anyone. I am alive, and I am surviving with my first steps into something new.