Food stuff...again

I’m writing this from work…whoops.

The food and the not eating is becoming a really big problem for me. I realize I barely eat at home, and basically survive on tea and water when I’m there. If I’m outside of home I can usually get myself to munch or snack on something but its getting harder. I try to make sure I eat at work because I’m a teacher and I need the energy.

I either have no appetite to eat because my anxiety is so high or I try to eat and then get massive anxiety right after. Like eating is actually giving me anxiety. I won’t let myself sit down after I eat, I start pacing around or dancing and the anxiety usually goes away after I do that.

I haven’t seen a therapist in almost a month(it’s not for lack of trying). My former therapist who was great left the center and they kind of seem to be falling apart without her. She transferred me to a different therapist there who I know from group therapy but it’s been so busy there she’s had to push my appointment back twice. I’m supposed to see her on Monday but my boyfriend thinks that if it happens again I should start to look for a new place to go for therapy.

It’s scaring me. This isn’t the first time it’s happened but its the first time its gotten this bad. I’ve lost weight and it feels…good and I know it shouldn’t. I know where this leads. I’ve been so tired and in such a fog the last few days because I haven’t been eating enough and I’m getting sick on top of that. The not eating is getting more and more intentional. I used to be able to go to “safe foods” that I feel comfortable eating but it’s become harder to do that and that list of foods is getting much smaller. I don’t know what to do and I hate the fact that I haven’t been able to stop myself.

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My oldest daughter had eating issues. For her, she would either binge eat, or not eat for days. She is a VERY lovely girl but she can’t see it: she thinks she is overweight when she is not. She was coaxed into going to a therapist, which therapist was a women, which helped, as women can relate to other women better than to a man, at least my daughter could. After this, she was seeing herself as she really was, not as her mind saw her Strangely enough, I didn’t think I was handsome when I was a young man, and my mother convinced me I was by showing me a photo of myself, and for the first time I realized I was handsome. I had NEVER felt uthat way until my Mom used the pic trick. Good luck.

Proud of you for posting, friend. That couldn’t have been easy. I hear you on the therapy battle, my counselor was taken from me 6 months ago and finding another therapist is super hard. I’m really encouraged by you that you’re trying though. Food relationships and anxiety are crazy hard, but you’re seeing you need a change. You know you need food to survive, but the anxiety makes it worse. I know you mentioned you’re a teacher, so I imagine that you don’t have a lot of moments in your busy day to sit down and have something nutritious in peace. When you do have a break, what do you like that you could have for a small meal? Does eating alone or with people make it better or worse? I don’t struggle with under-eating, but mine is overeating. I hope that you can get in to see your therapist soon and work a plan that will alleviate some of that anxiety. You matter so much, friend. I truly hope that the underlying issues can be dealt with to bring you freedom in all things. You’re an amazing person, I’ve seen you around Twitch, you’re always so kind and fun to others and its beautiful. Hold fast. We’re here to support you.

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hey there @TheJediAshCash ,
starting my freshman year of hs , during bandcamp i was so depressed i would eat less and less based how i was feeling . i would want to starve my self but didnt . years later i eat what i can and im only 20 and at 107 ish pounds . Your not alone ash we love you . thank you for reaching out . hold fast

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Love you.
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