Hi all, first post here.
Bit of background about myself: I’m a 33 Y/o Man, after recent research, it has become clear to me that I am most likely Autistic and/or A.D.H.D un diagnosed as of yet. When i was a teenager I began to self harm and became very depressed and anxious as well as several suicide attempts (due to overwhelming emotional pain from being alienated and alone).
I started counselling when at college and would later on devote 5 years of my life training to be a counsellor and went back to therapy during that period. I left that course before the end of it due to other interests seeming like a better option.
I qualified as a yoga teacher and started practicing Nicherin Buddhism around 7 years ago. I do have a spiritual outlook on life and have a great deal of self awareness. (oh and i have a habit of over-explaining things(due to being misunderstood so often))
Making friends has never come naturally to me, it has usually felt forced. Throughout my life i have never really had many friends, maybe 2 or 3 at a time and the only time I had more was when i was at school when i was only popular due to being good at something. Bullying was more or less a constant at school due to being “different” (looking back on it, more than likely the autism/adhd).
People don’t seem to stay long in my life, it has usually been conditional friendships, such as me attending their class or playing by their rules or by being on the same course as them. on average, maybe they’ll stay for 4 years then something will happen and either I withdraw or they do. It’s a pattern that is really exhausting, building new friendships/relationships is extremely difficult to me.
Recently I met a woman (Maria) that i am extremely fond of and want a relationship with, however she is hesitant. A MASSIVE amount of my time and energy has gone into getting to know her and keeping my motivation with her (I get bored easily and tend to “strike while the iron is hot”, so being patient with her is taking a LOT out of me), during the intital months of getting to know her, I sought advice from 2 close friends. However in the past few weeks 1 has had a mental breakdown and the other has gone from seeing me every week to telling me that she only has time for me twice a year. They have been a huge support to me and now they are essentially gone.
I’ve sort of exhausted the people who I can reach out to right now.
Here i am again, while i do have a few sort of friends, I have lost my main support network, i’m grieving for the loss of my friends and it hurts. While i’m fortunate to have Maria in my life, who actually stopped me walking in front of a moving car recently when i thought of here, yes i felt suicidal. I do feel very alone and on the verge of losing everything. I am somewhat hopeful about a relationship with Maria, however i know it is a huge risk.
I’ve come quite comfortable with death and knowing that I may die soon is a relief, weirdly enough it helps me live. At the same time, I accept that i will most likely die by my own hand.
Not sure if any of that makes any sense or anyone can relate, its just where i’m at right now.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading