Well this is the first… I’m having anxiety as I write this now. They say nothing lasts forever but these feelings haven’t left yet. I’m empty and lost and I can’t go to anyone cuz I’m just a burden, it’s shitty to try to talk to ones you love and tell them how you’re feeling and your told to get over it and made to feel like I’m stupid for feeling how I do. I’ve grown up being told how much of a piece of shit I was, weight has been an issue my whole life. Growing up and to this day now my mom has always told me how fat and disgusting I am and always compared me to other ppls daughters, even to my sisters and I’m the oldest girl. recently things have just become too overwhelming and I just can’t eat and have dropped some weight and boy have I got attention, but from all the wrong ppl. It makes me only feel that more shittier. How is that everyone can say I have a beautiful face but I’m just too big but the second I lose weight I’m prettier??? But one thing that eats at me way more then that is not being believed, about 2 years ago my husbands brother was living with us and he was married and had twins on the way… well one night he got a lil drunk and forced himself on top of me and pinned me to the ground but I got myself free and locked myself in the bathroom but that didn’t stop him he waited for me to leave and go to my room and when I did he tried to force himself into my room. I had to sit in front of the door and hope he wasn’t gunna be strong enough. He finally left but I will never forget the feeling of his lips on me and his stuff pushed against me as he pinned me down and the strength he had… messed up part is the man is military. When I finally told ppl the response I got from his wife and his family is he would never do that and I was lying. I was so scared to tell anyone, I didn’t want to ruin this mans life and why I thought like that at the time I don’t know and I hate myself for not doing something. Im more depressed then I was as a kid, everyday I look for my out, i haven’t gotten the balls to follow through just yet. I’ve cut, I’ve taken pills, I just want out I can’t take it anymore. Everyday is a constant struggle with my emotions I dont Wanna feel like this anymore. I’m a failure/disappointment as a sister, wife, daughter, aunty, friend. Why not free space for someone who can truly succeed in this life.
I’m so sorry you went through that and even worse no one believed you. Don’t believe the lies, don’t feel like there is space to free up. Only you can be you and you are irreplaceable in the life of your kids. You are not a failure! I’m here to listen if you want never let yourself feel like a burden.
Hey friend ,
I am so sorry you have to deal with this … I’m sorry you are having or well had an attack while writing this . None of this is your fault and to be honest you aren’t a failure and you are not a disappointment . Your just telling yourself lies to make your self feel more sad and I don’t want that. I want to see you happy , I want you to be healthy. You are human , you are amazing don’t forget that. By the way you are not a terrible person . And I’m sorry you were being treated terrible that wasn’t cool all. I hope you can have a better life/future. Remember you are loved , remember YOU ARE WORTH IT, and hold fast friend.
Friend. You are not a let down or a disappointment. What happened to you is not your fault. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that, and that now one believed you. Just now that we will always be here to listen and support however we can. I can relate so much to being unable to control my emotions at the moment, so please know you are not alone. You may not feel like you can, but you can keep fighting this. Just start taking those baby steps and you will get there.
You are strong. You are worth it. It hurts a lot when a parent talks down to a kid, and your mom lied when she said that you were “fat and disgusting.” I always say that, “hurt people hurt people” (adjective/verb). In other words, it sounds like your mom is hurting deep down, and the only (illogical) way she found to release steam is to drill lies into you. You are beautiful just the way you are - don’t you dare let anyone tell you differently. Hold fast. You can make it through this. You’re strong.