I try not to make posts until I’ve calmed down a bit and have a clearer mind, but I feel like I need to get this out right now.
I also feel like I come on here a lot and complain about my “friends” instead of talking to them about my problems that I have with them. I feel guilty about that but I also don’t want to be like “hey, I’m being a prude and you’re doing something that I don’t like.” Unless they’re doing something that is obviously destructive, I want to try and accept people for who they are. I don’t want to try and change them because it’s not fair to do that; I wouldn’t want someone to try and change me because they think what I’m doing or what I’m into is stupid.
But I think that there’s some people I have to start distancing myself from. Some of the things they’re into make me uncomfortable; that doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person, but I’m connecting their values with things that are generally antithetical to my own values.
It hurts, because on the one hand it could just be seen as a difference of opinion, and I feel like of course it’s possible to be friends with people who are different than you and who think differently than you. It hurts because I also feel like sometimes I’m just being judgmental and maybe they aren’t being judgmental towards me or towards values I hold or things I’m into or not into. But on the other hand, if anyone, friends or not, is doing something that makes me uncomfortable, don’t I have the right to distance myself from that situation?
I’m also sad because I miss the way our friendships used to be. And I know I’m not perfect, I know that there are times when I’ve fucked up or done something stupid or maybe made friends uncomfortable or did something/lived my life in a way that my friends don’t like or adhere to in terms of values. But I’m sad because I miss how close we were, I’m sad because I miss the things we had in common and now I feel like things are tainted somehow. And now I’m crying because I feel like I’m losing some friendships that were very important to me. I’m sad because we’ve grown apart and I know that’s life, but I’m tired of being alone.
I’m sad because I feel like my entire friend-group that I’m referring to has become fractured and scattered and fragmented over the time that we’ve known each other. Not that I’m at the center of things or anything like that. I’m just sad that we’re growing apart and moving in different directions. (The directions that friends are moving into are not necessarily positive or negative; the group just doesn’t feel as “tight” or as “close” as it used to be.)
It hurts because I don’t know why people are into things that I see as “bad”, so I just start feeling like I’m the asshole in this situation. I like to think that I try to treat everyone with kindness and acceptance, but maybe it’s me who’s two-faced and hypocritical.
Maybe it’s narcissistic, but I wish I had more friends with similar values to my own.
I wish the best for everyone; maybe it’s best for me to move on. It seems like they already have. I’ve just gotta accept things and people as they are and move on.
Hey there! I totally understand how you feel. Even I still battle with losing friends and them moving out of my life. What I try to remind myself is that people changing is out of my control. Since you are feeling uncomfortable with them and it seems like they are dragging you down, then it may be time to start distancing yourself from them so that it doesn’t interfere with your values and harm your emotional and mental state. Perhaps you will be able to reconnect with them in the future, as they may change again and match with your values and not make you uncomfortable.
By the time I moved to a different state, I lost a chunk of people that I would interact with. I started to feel down, but I made a decision to go out to be part of a community. I don’t know if you’re religious or not, but for me, I had gone to a church and within a few weeks, I was able to garner new friends. So don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, go out to events or places that you know will have people that share the same values or interests as you. Just introduce yourself and be open minded. I believe in you, don’t give up hope!
Hey Friend
I feel you i have amazing group of friends, and they been with me since my dark days so my ex best friend really didn’t. But find a good set of friends those are the people you want to be around. My friends are so amazing that i could count of them, as they can count on me people come and go. But good friends stay, my ex best friend is getting married i was supposed be her maid of honor her godmother of her kids till things changed. Her boyfriend who she going to get married to ruined our friendship. I felt like i messed it up but it both our fault, there things we learn everything. i speak peace and healing over you that friendship are restored.
Hi, @micahshima; thank you for your reply 
It is a choice to love and I love my friends, but I think I do have to move on in some degree because I don’t want to compromise my values or my mental and emotional state. Maybe things will be different some day, and I’ll be able to see more of the good things.
I am part of my local Church community. I have friends and caring people there, but a lot of them are older/elderly. I love them very much and I’m thankful that we share similar values, but it would be nice to have more friends around my age. I’ve also made an effort to be part of the local theater scene; music and acting are things I enjoy. I’ve made some friendships in that community as well. A lot of my friends there are either older or younger and again, while there’s nothing wrong with that, I would like more friends around my age. I’m thinking maybe that perhaps I’m at a different “life stage” than a lot of the people around me, and perhaps that is part of my problem in terms of shared values. And even people around my age are getting married and having kids, and I’m not in a place in life where I’m ready for that. People younger than myself are still all about having fun and have less responsibilities; people who are older are friends in more of a mentoring way. But I’m glad I do have some friends who don’t make me feel uncomfortable, even though we aren’t as close.
The search goes on for someone I can be closer to.
Thank you for your advice
I’m sorry to hear that that happened with your ex-best friend. Similar things have happened in my own life. Perhaps that is why I’ve found it difficult to trust people; when the person closest to you betrays your trust or drastically changes in some way, it can definitely be a traumatizing experience. Especially if some man comes into their life and turns them against you. Not that men are inherently bad people, I’m not saying that. Just saying that when a person comes into a friend’s life and they care about that person, it can be hard for them to see the harm that person is causing in other relationships. I’ve lost best friends to this sort of situation. I could have also dealt with the situations differently, so I do share at least a bit of the blame.
Thank you for your prayer 