This is a topic from INSTAGRAM. Reply as normal, and we will post it to the user on Instagram.
Belongs to: https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/41426
From antique_soup97: I’ve been struggling with the loss of a friend to suicide. He passed away in 2016 while I was away at college. No one would tell me what happened and I had to reach out to an ex to get an answer. When I heard this, I blamed myself and wished I could have done something different. To this day, I still have times where I breakdown remembering our discussions about college and how excited he was for medical school.
I’m truly sorry to hear about your loss and the pain you’ve been carrying since then. Losing a friend to suicide is an incredibly difficult and heartbreaking experience, and it’s natural to wonder if there was something more you could have done. It’s important to remember that you are not to blame for your friend’s passing. Mental health challenges can be complex, and it’s impossible for one person to bear the weight of another’s struggles entirely.
Your memories of your discussions about college and medical school with your friend are a beautiful testament to the bond you shared. It’s okay to grieve and feel the sadness from time to time. Healing takes time, and it’s a journey that’s unique to each individual.
If you ever find it helpful, consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can provide support and guidance as you navigate your feelings and memories. You don’t have to go through this alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help you through this difficult time. Your friend’s memory lives on through the impact they had on your life and the love you still hold for them.
It must have been so brutal to lose your friend so suddenly. I can only imagine the pain and heartbreak you have felt when learning about his disappearance. And on top of it, knowing that no one told you directly about what happened - that you had to seek your own answers. It’s heartbreaking to be in this position. Sometimes people who are close to us want to protect us while holding this kind of information - but it can really feel on the other end like being betrayed or underestimated in our ability to cope. It feels like being removed from your right to know, and of feeling what needs to be felt. I’m sorry you had to go through all of this, friend.
You were without a doubt a good friend to him. The amount of care that translates just into your post here is immense. Although it is understandable to have felt like you were guilty of not being present enough. When you lose someone you care about in such a brutal and sudden way, it puts you in this position of asking yourself “why?” and what could have been done differently. You try to rewrite the story in your mind, to make sense out of it and consider what did not happen, but that you feel could have made a difference. Despite how your friend passed away though, there is no doubt that you must have been such a trustworthy, caring presence in his life, and nothing will ever change that. When we struggle with active suicidal thoughts, we experience what is commonly called tunnel vision. It leaves no room for anything else, and it becomes really hard to see beyond our pain. We may know that we are loved and that we matter deep inside, but what happens in the mind becomes a strong force that makes it hard to reach out or even welcome any help. It’s not anyone’s fault. Nor the person who is struggling, nor the person who is trying to help. Through what happened, and through the grief you have been carrying through since then, you deserve to be free of this guilt that has imprisoned you over time - and if you are still struggling with those thoughts/emotions. So that love only can prevail - despite the time, despite the distance. There is obviously so much affection in your heart for your friend, and you can honor it beautifully - one day at a time. You were, and are still, a good friend to them.