From-hippinator13-ive-been-homeless-on-off-since-c

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From hippinator13: I’ve been homeless on & off since covid, all I have left in a friend’s garage are my 6 guitars, Marshall amps & some clothes. I was caught trying to hang myself off the 2nd story balustrade in Los Alamitos, CA & it was on TV. I was in the Costa Mesa mental institution for a 5150 & a 5250 & talked my way out but things have just went downhill & I know that no one cares & no one’s going to do anything. Existing just to suffer is no life worth living. I can’t get any help. 5 years ago I worked in aerospace, lived 3 miles from Huntington Beach in CA had a car paid for & now I’ve lost almost everything. I’m asking but I know that no one is going to help me.

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It sounds like you’re in a really bad mental state, and for good reason. Is “no one cares” a feeling or do you perceive it as a fact? If you’re living with the assumption it’s a fact, consider that perception more closely. We can’t offer physical support, but we really do care. It does seem like you’re in a crisis, and you do have the option of walking into the Costa Mesa facility. Doing so voluntarily, and with a focus on healing rather than talking yourself “out of things,” could lead to a far better outcome. The problem with your current state of mind is that it’s very unlikely you’ll see any opportunity to improve your situation, because your mind has already told you that such opportunities don’t exist.

I grew up in a messed up family, and we lost everything repeatedly. Then I married someone who bankrupted me twice. I’m fine now. I live in a paid for house, and have enough to live on. It’s possible for you to become okay financially, in spite of having lost stuff in the past. As hard as it is, starting over can also feel like an adventure, but you need to get the depressive symptoms under control, so go get the help you need.

Something else to consider about people caring. Sometimes the best way to receive the care and support we’re looking for is care about someone else in the way you wish to receive it. It really works, not with everyone, but it does work. If you’re a supportive person, others (at least a few of them) will want to support you.

It’s so hard to feel like your suffering makes no sense. To find yourself at the bottom of a pit, and have no idea how the hell you got there. It’s almost like waking up from a good dream to live in a nightmare reality.

There’s a kind of urgent desperation that comes in that place, of feeling frantic - like maybe activity or energy or something will kind of snap you out of it. But the hard part is that if you don’t really know how you got there, more energy just feels like spinning your wheels. And when you spin them fast enough, you’re just burning out. And the more you burn out, the more hopeless you feel because there’s so much energy, but no movement. It’s almost like you’re revving on sand, and the more you spin, the more you sink. Soon enough you’re going to bottom out, and then you’re really screwed.

Also your situation is really complicated. Complicated in the sense that there’s not a lot of people that can relate, and the people that can relate, usually can’t help. You don’t feel like you belong in the homeless community because five years ago you were in aerospace - but you find yourself alienated from the community you belong in. It feels like you’re too far away from them to throw a rope down, and no one you’re around can give you a lift up.

Even in writing this, I feel the kind of futility that comes with describing the issue. It’s like - cool. We’ve described the gnawing feelings that are haunting your bones. Now what?

It seems like one of the most frustrating parts of what you’re going through is not really having a targeted battle to fight. Not REALLY knowing what the leverage point is to improve your situation. If you know what the problem was, you are smart enough to work the problem.

There’s more to your story that I’m missing in this post - you were once happily employed, and then something happened either just before covid or because of covid, and now you’re experiencing this chaotic downward spiral. What did happen? What really is the issue?

For instance, if the core of the issue is work - what is it about work that’s the issue? Clearly you’ve been able to obtain and perform work before. Is it that you can’t get a job in the same line of work? Is it that now you’ve been homeless for so long that you can’t get your feet under you to get a job? Is it that you’ve lost interest or lost a sense of who you are and can’t really punch through to find what you WANT to do, so you’re paralyzed in deciding where to go from here?

But not having work could just be the surface level - if you hit some kind of depression or mental break, can you trace that back to what led up to it? If that is the core of the issue, then I’d encourage you to give yourself some grace and patience. When you mention talking your way out of the institution, it seems like that would be shooting yourself in the foot if mental improvement was the pathway out of this. Which is okay if that’s what it was - that’s honestly part of the process of improvement. We can resist, we can fight back, we can live in denial, we can bump up against our own ego. Whatever the case, if the mental front is the path forward, NAMING it as the path forward would be helpful, because then you can start to use your cunning and mental capacity to work the problem. IE - if I can heal up and get well, I can start to work my way out.

Anyways, identifying the problem will allow for focusing on and investing in the solution. – and a bonus here is that identifying the problem would allow a clearer path for others to actually participate in helping you. Because that feeling of complete isolation and alienation from community and support is brutal.

All that to say, thankful for your courage and vulnerability here. It’s an honor to get a window into your life. I appreciate you.

From NateTriesAgain: It’s so hard to feel like your suffering makes no sense. To find yourself at the bottom of a pit, and have no idea how the hell you got there. It’s almost like waking up from a good dream to live in a nightmare reality. There’s a kind of urgent desperation that comes in that place, of feeling frantic - like maybe activity or energy or something will kind of snap you out of it. But the hard part is that if you don’t really know how you got there, more energy just feels like spinning your wheels. And when you spin them fast enough, you’re just burning out. And the more you burn out, the more hopeless you feel because there’s so much energy, but no movement. It’s almost like you’re revving on sand, and the more you spin, the more you sink. Soon enough you’re going to bottom out, and then you’re really screwed.Also your situation is really complicated. Complicated in the sense that there’s not a lot of people that can relate, and the people that can relate, usually can’t help. You don’t feel like you belong in the homeless community because five years ago you were in aerospace - but you find yourself alienated from the community you belong in. It feels like you’re too far away from them to throw a rope down, and no one you’re around can give you a lift up.Even in writing this, I feel the kind of futility that comes with describing the issue. It’s like - cool. We’ve described the gnawing feelings that are haunting your bones. Now what?It seems like one of the most frustrating parts of what you’re going through is not really having a targeted battle to fight. Not REALLY knowing what the leverage point is to improve your situation. If you know what the problem was, you are smart enough to work the problem.There’s more to your story that I’m missing in this post - you were once happily employed, and then something happened either just before covid or because of covid, and now you’re experiencing this chaotic downward spiral. What did happen? What really is the issue?For instance, if the core of the issue is work - what is it about work that’s the issue? Clearly you’ve been able to obtain and perform work before. Is it that you 1/2

@heartsupportwall3 I figured y’all were exactly like the other organizations that claim to help people but really don’t, just using people’s misery as a way to get donations from sympathetic people & then funnel the money to people who already have homes & money. I hope we have a revolution & hold lying organizations like yours accountable.

Hey friend. I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through, but also that you don’t feel supported by us here. I hear your frustration, your anger, and it makes completely sense to expect more from places that are meant to provide support, to bring hope. Practically speaking, this is what Heartsupport is all about – being there for one another, at an emotional level. Just a group of human beings willing to provide listening ears, shoulders to rely on, especially during times of struggle. I have myself known a time of homelessness years ago, not the type that consisted of moving from one place to another all the time, but to literally live outside and being unsafe every single day. There is no word to describe that kind of experience in life and I truly wish you never knew any of this. I am not in your shoes of course and will never pretend to be, but I do understand how it feels when it seems like the world is made of doors that remain closed to us. It feels like there’s an insane amount of hypocrisy all around, where words never align with actions. It’s overwhelming to even give a thought to the question: where do I start? where do I go? Something that was hurting me the most at that time though, was this acute loneliness that one feels when they lose everything. It was a sentence in itself, on top of an awful situation. I wish I had people by my side at the time to just be there, even if it was pointless from a purely practical standpoint. I needed someone to listen to me venting, to hear my fears, to tell me that I would be okay. I wish people were there to acknowledge me and recognize my own humanity. That I wasn’t less a person because of what was happening to me. You’re not invisible, friend. You’re not an outcast and you’re certainly not meant to be stuck in this situation, even if it feels hopeless when we’re there. After all, when it feels like we have nothing and no one left to lose, we wonder what’s the point of even trying. I believe that’s when we need others to simply be present at first. To remind us that there is life beyond what’s happening and that we need to keep fighting. This organization right here may not be one based on social work and material assistance, but it is made of people who genuinely care for one another. I don’t know you, and I only get to know just a fragment of your story today, because you’ve made the first and brave step of reaching out. I see you, I hear you. You may not believe me, but I care about you. What is your situation right now? You’ve mentioned a friend’s garage – is there anyone in your life right now, willing to support you in some way? What makes you say that you can’t get any help? – not questioning anything, only willing to understand more your life context here, if you are willing to share of course. I can’t promise you anything or tell you how things are going to be, but I can assure you that you are not alone, and you certainly don’t have to be alone while navigating these life obstacles.